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Professor Quippy: Funnier than a barrel of monkeys pretending to tickle one another

By on March 13, 2007 in Monkeys!, Odd Science

Professor QuippyWhat’s funny? Well, it may or may not be a barrel of monkeys, but apparently laughter is hard wired into our primate and perhaps, our mammalian brains.

According to research by Professor Robert R. Provine of the University of Maryland, laughter and humor are not necessarily the same thing. According to a NY Times article today:

“Laughter is an honest social signal because it’s hard to fake,” Professor Provine says. “We’re dealing with something powerful, ancient and crude. It’s a kind of behavioral fossil showing the roots that all human beings, maybe all mammals, have in common.”

The human ha-ha evolved from the rhythmic sound — pant-pant — made by primates like chimpanzees when they tickle and chase one other while playing. Jaak Panksepp, a neuroscientist and psychologist at Washington State University, discovered that rats emit an ultrasonic chirp (inaudible to humans without special equipment) when they’re tickled, and they like the sensation so much they keep coming back for more tickling.

I wonder if Professor Panksepp did his own rodent manipulation or if he had to hire a special Rat Tickler for the job?

You can find the full article here.

Appeared at The Friday Ark.

Valentine’s Day Satire

By on February 14, 2007 in Monkeys!

Tired of sweat-stained fatties? Can’t take any more mullets? Then you shouldn’t be hanging around The Skwib and head over to the Darwin Dating site.

Ironically, Darwin himself would have never been able to join the superficial club. Damn you uni-brow!

Ask General Kang: OMG, the weather report says we’re getting 50 centimeters of snow! What do I do?

By on February 13, 2007 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangFirst of all, calm your hairless hominid ass down! It’s snow, not nuclear fallout.

If they were calling for 50 centimeters of nuclear fallout then you might need to get worried — perhaps get your best Orangu-techs working on some kind of fallout suit that you can wear to ride out the ensuing mass extinction on your planet.

But you’re forgetting Kang’s Corollary. Murphy’s Law states: “Anything that can go wrong, will.”

Kang’s Corollary states: “Anything that can go wrong, will, unless the we can get the media to talk about it incessantly, in which case, something else will go even more horribly wrong.”

So, my guess is that if the weather report is warning you about 50 centimeters of snow, your odds of actually seeing it are small.

But 50 centimeters! That will bury my apartment building! Won’t that start an ice age?

[Sigh.] Fifty centimeters is about a foot and a half.

Once my gorilloid armada arrives you humans are toast.

Next time: I have the sneaking suspicion that my cat is part of an interstellar plot to prevent me from dating — do you know what I should do?

Irony Police Taser Hospital Patient

By on January 12, 2007 in Monkeys!, Skwibby fiction

YEOVIL, UK (The Skwib) — The Irony Police mistakenly tasered a patient at the Yeovil District Hospital today after learning of an infringement of Britain’s Excessive Irony Act.

Sherry Black, 34, was in hospital receiving treatment for a migraine, when a bedside television broke away from its wall fixture and fell on her head.

The Irony Police were alerted immediately.

Unfortunately, their equipment also malfunctioned, and they were told that Ms. Black was exhibiting an act of aggressive irony, when in fact, she was entirely passive. They burst into her hospital room and shot her with tasers.

Ms. Black was unavailable for comment, as she remains unconscious.

The Irony Police squad sent to arrest Ms. Black is also unavailable for comment, as they are currently helping the Irony Police’s Office of Internal Investigations with their inquiries.

Holiday Gift Guide, Part Two

By on December 4, 2006 in Monkeys!, Odd Science

Holiday Gift GuideGeneral Kang has only been on our planet for a little over a year, but he has agreed to produce his own Holiday Gift Guide for us as well. The good simian overlord/advice columnist is an enthusiastic gift giver, though we don’t think he quite gets the “peace on Earth” sentiment of the season.

Mind Control Devices

First on his list, General Kang has suggested that you might want to buy your loved ones a powerful mind control device. This will make them more tractable when he finally decides to take over.
Price: $400+, various makers

Chimp Brigade Equipment

When he was at his height of power, General Kang was the feared leader of the Chimp Brigade, known throughout the galaxy for their powerful plasma weapons and bright pink tutus. Though you can’t exactly get plasma weapons off the shelf, they are in development, leading General Kang to suggest the following gifts. You can at least get the tutus ready.
Price: $500,000 +, Plasma weapons (in development)
Price: $9.50, Bandu Tutu

He was also once the commander of the Holy Crap, Those are Gorilloids with Broadswords! Legion, and those items ARE readily available.
Price: $99, Broadswords from Strongblade
Price: $8.99, Budget Fez from Ozzie Dots

For the kids

General Kang also realized that you might wish to purchase some gifts for your “human spawn”, and though he is hardly the nurturing type, he did suggest this fun gift, which is a stuffed parrot that shouts things at you as you walk by. We should caution that this item, while hilarious, is not really appropriate for children, unless you want your six-year-old learning the phrase: “Hey Baby! Show us your tits!”

Price: $19.95, Inappropriate parrot by Twisted Toy Store