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Ask General Kang: In a pluralistic society, should gender equality trump religious rights?

By on November 14, 2006 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangThat has got to be a trick question, right? I mean, how the hell do I answer that without making someone madder than a Blufnabian Nose Weasel in a pleasure dust factory?

No doubt you’re referring to the poll that shows 81 percent of Canadians say immigrants should adapt to mainstream Canadian beliefs about the rights and role of women. Ultimately, this is a question about fundamentalist religions wanting to put women into subservient roles.

Now, you’re probably thinking that as an Intergalactic Overlord, I’m all for making women subservient, but I have to tell you, some of my best followers have been females. Certainly one of my most feared military units is composed almost entirely of female chimps. (There’s nothing more terrifying than being on the receiving end of a mass battalion charge enraged lady chimps wearing pink tutus and brandishing plasma weapons.)

Also, as an Unquestioned Ruler, I really don’t like the proles dividing their loyalties between some mythical god-figure and their Very Real simian overlord, so I’m going to have to side with the majority of Canadians on this one.

Even if it’s for different reasons. You guys have fun with that multiculturalism thing.

Next time: When constructing an orbital space lab, do you think it’s better to rotate your outpost clockwise or counter-clockwise?

A bedtime parable

By on November 10, 2006 in But is it art?, Monkeys!, Skwibby fiction

Hills through smogOnce there was a boy, just about the same age as you, who lived with people unlike us.

–Yes, they were different. Not much, but different enough.

He was a very smart young man, just like you, who saw that not all things were right with the way that his people lived. He tried to tell them, but they would not listen. One day it got colder and everyone made fires to make their houses warm.

“The air does not smell right,” the boy said.

“That’s just because you’re not used to it,” the adults said.

“Couldn’t we burn fewer trees, so the air smells better?” the boy asked.

“No, that would make us uncomfortable,” the adults told him. “Besides, if we didn’t burn this wood the wood-choppers wouldn’t have enough money to buy things at the market, and the profits at the market would go down. And then everyone would be affected.”

Some time passed, and then on another day, the boy noticed that his food tasted strange, and he said that something was wrong with it. Continue Reading →

Thursday Monkey-Surf-Time

By on November 9, 2006 in General Skwib, Monkeys!

M. Ellison has a 100-word story to inhale.

G’Day Bruce, you’ll find the Philosopher’s Carnival here.

The Tangled Bank: this edition of the science blogosphere has a future/present/past cartoon theme not to be missed. We particularly enjoyed this post on human-cow hybrid from Pharyngula, who has a slightly different take on it than Professor Quippy.

You can find an eclectic, yet entertaining, collection of posts at The Carnival of the Vanities.

And if you want to know about the latest Dr. Who, James Bow is yer man.

Ask General Kang: What should you do if you discover your leader is a hypocrite?

By on November 6, 2006 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!, Parody & Satire

Ask General KangFirst of all, don’t be surprised. Then, I suppose it depends a little what kind of hypocrite.

For example, if you are talking about a leader of a church — let’s say for the sake of argument, an evangelical church that spends much of its efforts demonizing homosexuals — and this reverend is discovered having torrid, drug-fueled homosexual liaisons, then there is really little you can do.

Clearly, such a person is so filled with self-loathing that it will be difficult to punish the leader further. So, just fire them and let the healing begin, though I humbly submit that you may want to have a look at joining a less messed-up church. (Or better yet, join the Church of Kang, where we celebrate every new planet conquered with electric Jello shooters (grape and banana of course), drunken monkey sex, and several hours of grooming.)

If you’ve got a leader who says he’s compassionate, but clearly doesn’t give a crap about anyone else outside of his rich clique and who gets you into a war under false pretenses, then you have two options: strap on your pink tutu, charge up your plasma weapons and storm his palace, or vote him out of office.

Of course, on my home planet of Neecknaw, we never discovered democracy, so we only ever had that first option.

And thank the Gods of Kang for that!

Next time: Thag want make fire. How make fire?

The nature of obscenity

By on November 2, 2006 in Monkeys!, Parody & Satire

What, exactly, is an obscenity?

We’re only asking because this school bus driver was fired for giving an “obscene gesture” to the President of the United States of America (you know, if you can’t respect the man, you should at least respect the office).

Did she grab her crotch, a la Madona? Did she fellate a finger? Did she do something even worse? (Sorry, but we’re having trouble coming up with what that might look like, given that she was driving a bus at the time.)

No, she gave Mr. Bush the finger.

And she was fired, not for harassing the President, but for setting a bad example for the children riding on her bus. So what is more obscene, giving someone the finger, or starting a war that kills thousands of people?

Oh, there’s an answer: Killing people is NOT obscene. Fucking them is. But not nearly as obscene as suggesting they go fuck themselves, apparently.

‘Inspired’ by: Bus driver fired for obscene gesture to Bush

Sunday monkey surfing

By on October 29, 2006 in Monkeys!

monkey no seeWe’re not sure why you’re here on a Sunday night, but seeing as you are, here’s some stuff that may interest you surf-monkeys, sourced from our blogroll:

Ahistoricality has found a Literary Personality Quiz. Mark was a work of Classic literature, which sounds, at first blush, much better than it is: A classic is something that someone wants to say they have read, but never actually reads, right?

Steve at the Poutine Diaries has 10-second tv reviews. Go read, and ask him to write more!

And Joe at Assorted Nonsense has found some kind of freaky “separated at birth” gizmo from My Heritage.com. If you go to this one, you’ll probably be able to fill the rest of your evening. BTW, if you’d like to see Mark’s matches, you’ll find them here. Clearly, that “y” chromosome was unfortunate.