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China opens new smoking cessation clinic for humans

By on October 4, 2005 in Monkeys!, Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

image of mugshot caption: prisoner patientXI’AN (The Skwib) — Party officials in China have opened a new anti-smoking clinic in northwest China.

Earlier this week, officials at the Qinling Safari Park in Shaanxi Province announced that after 16 years of chain smoking, the chimp Ai Ai has successfully quit the health-threatening habit.

The 27-year-old chimp was given special foods, and she was distracted from her cravings for cigarettes with walks, gymnastics and stirring readings from the Little Red Book.

But party officials quickly realized the core of Ai Ai’s success — she was in a cage, and the zoo keepers stopped giving her cigarettes.

“When put this together, knew we on something” said Wen Jingtao, the Director of the Running Dog Smoking Cessation Clinic.

“We have lots empty cages here, so why not put to use?”

The Running Dog Smoking Cessation Clinic was born, and the first “clients” are due to arrive for their intensive 16-week course next Tuesday.

“We excited to see Western customers coming for stop smoking,” Jingtao told The Skwib as he puffed on his feculent unfiltered cigarette. “All guards . . . uh . . . not guards, uh . . . caregivers, are smokers, so the prison– I mean, the patients will be no longer tempted after they leave.”

The clinic is charging $2,500 US per stay. $500 extra for the non-torture package.

Inspired by:
Chimp gets monkey off its back | China | original photo by daniel duende

Mini-Skwibs (Drunken Monkey Viking Edition)

By on September 8, 2005 in General Skwib, Monkeys!, Odd Science

Image of chimp in viking helmetImpaired Doctors
Dr. Tundra had been on call for 89 hours straight, and he was still going strong. It was great. He was on fire. Was his judgment impaired by the lack of sleep?

Of course it was, but he was more competent with no sleep than most people who had a full night’s rest!

Now the thimble full of mescaline he’d had earlier, THAT was a problem. So were all the strobing lights and angry monkeys hanging out in the Emerg waiting room in Viking gear.


Belfast goes Bonzo
Kevin the sulky colobus had nothing on Phoebe. She was a chimp of impeccable standards. She had opposable thumbs, and the brains to know what to do with them.

What she didn’t have (luckily) were firearms, or the Belfast police might have been in trouble.


Viking In-Laws

Sven Estridsen would have preferred to end his tenure on Earth the old fashioned way, floating out to sea on a flaming longship, his slaves and a particularly fetching wench going with, to serve him in the afterlife.

Instead, he was buried in a cathedral with his mom. No, his daughter-in-law. That sounded a little better, but they still sat him at the kiddie’s table in Valhalla.

Ask General Kang: If I say I’m going to be there, but then I don’t show up, does that make me a ‘douche-bag’?

By on September 5, 2005 in General Skwib, Monkeys!

Ask General KangYes. Yes, it does. If you say you are going to be there, but then never turn up, then you are a wanker, pure and simple.

You might be able to get away with it once or twice, and claim that you were unable to make it, but sooner or later this late-hare behaviour will catch up with you. You will lose all your friends, and you will die alone.

Or, you could have a really bad addiction!

Extreme alcohol or drug abuse will excuse this kind of lateness, and even better, get you more attention.

If you ARE habitually late, then perhaps you should think about becoming an addict and hiding behind that cover.

Either that, or you should get citizenship in a country where this kind of behaviour is expected (any place other than the UK, the US, Scandanavia, Austria, Germany, Canada, Japan and Australia will work).

Personally, I think you should just do what you say you were going to do.

But what do I know, I’m just an all-knowing simian overlord.

Next time: I think some kind of alien insect has crawled into my head and is causing me to say bad things. Can you help?

Ask General Kang: Is it technically cannibalism if all you eat is a pinkie?

By on August 2, 2005 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangFirst of all, check the finger carefully. If it’s not a pinkie from the same species, then you’re probably okay.

I was once really freaked out by Colonel (now Major) Bonzo and his wife had me over for a “special” dinner — rhesus monkey soup. Now, I’m sure Chanel (Mrs. Bonzo) is a great cook, but she was not at her best that night. Rhesus monkey for Christsakes!

But not, I should point out, the same species as me. (Handsome chimp.) Still, it was a little too close for comfort, and I’ve been sticking to bologna and termites ever since.

If you’re unfortunate enough to be served a pinkie from your own species, and you inadvertently eat it, then you’re probably safe too — nobody’s going to call you a cannibal.

The other caveat I would hasten to add, that if the pinkie isn’t from the same species, but that species is able to communicate with you (such as we are doing now, General Kang-to-confused gourmand) then you’re back in the cannibal soup.

So to speak.

Next week: What is the proper etiquette for global domination?

Scopes Monkey Trial, 80 Years Later

By on July 21, 2005 in But is it art?, Monkeys!

Chobindo the orangutan, dashing and lanky leading primateRHEA COUNTY — In a bit of inspired public relations, the town of Dayton, Tennessee has announced that it is recreating the “Scopes Monkey Trial” — using actual monkeys as actors.

This simian extravaganza will mark the 80th anniversary of the trial on July 22.

The original trial was an international media event, and pitted John Scopes, a football coach and part-time teacher at Rhea County High School against the State of Tennessee’s Butler Act, which made it illegal to:

“… to teach any theory that denies the story of the Divine Creation of man as taught in the Bible, and to teach instead that man has descended from a lower order of animals”

Of course, few people remember that the trial started out as a publicity stunt to bring attention to Dayton.

“We thought, if it was good for them, why not us?” Mayor Vincent Bobberson told The Skwib.

“Then we thought, well, a recreation of the trial wouldn’t get much attention, we do that every year at the Scopes Festival. Then I had a flash — what if we used monkeys instead of actors!”

From there, the search for suitable thespians began. Working exclusively with the Primate Actor’s Studio, Dayton has assembled the finest cast of monkeys that $25,000 can buy.

The well-known kick-boxing orangutan, Chobindo, will play the lead role of Clarence Darrow. Originally from Borneo, the lanky tree-hugger says it is the part of a lifetime, and is a natural follow-up to the leadership role he played in the so-called “Orangutan Revolution”. (In which he and other orangutan slaves emancipated themselves by beating the hell out their Thai zoo keepers.)

When we asked him if he could elaborate, he pursed his lips together and gave us a raspberry.

The rest of the cast, and the schedule of performances is available at the Scopes Trial “Apestravaganza” website. Just follow the link off the Rhea County Tourism site.


Myth busting the Scopes Trial | Wikipedia entry

Oranguvenge!

By on July 20, 2005 in Monkeys!, Skwibby fiction

Chobindo was a great ape, everybody said so:

“Chobindo? Oh come on — nice guy!”

“Chobindo? He helped me get my cat out of that tree!”

So nobody was more surprised than Chobindo (Choby to his closest friends) when deep in his homeland rainforest on Borneo, he was assaulted, netted and drugged. What did he do to deserve such treatment?

When he came to, Chobindo was en route to Thailand. The passage was not something he would care to repeat, and when he arrived, his captivity got even worse.

Chobindo was a peaceful orangutan — in Malay “orangutan” means man of the forest, but don’t be fooled — they are much more peaceful and gentle creatures than humans. They are intelligent, and in Chobindo’s case, it was lucky that he was, because his captors would not have had much use for him if he hadn’t been.

They trained him in the Thai art of kickboxing, and within a few months of learning his new martial skill, Chobindo was pitted against other orangutans in the ring.

Like great orange gladiators, Chobindo and the others would fight until one or the other was knocked out. It was hardly the freewheeling, arboreal lifestyle he was used to.

Until one day, Chobindo got an idea … what happens if I eat my boxing gloves.

When he got better, Choby had an even better idea: what if he turned on the humans getting them to fight?

Inspired by:

Trade in 1000 Orangutans Yearly | Wikipedia article | Thai boxing