Government of Canada: Memo
From the Desk of:
Jim Peterson, International Trade MinisterTo:
Paul Martin, Prime Minister
Irwin Cotler, Justice MinisterCC: The Skwib
Issue:
As you know, the US refuses to honor the legally binding and unanimous decision of the free trade tribunals — a ruling that said US had no right to impose tariffs on the import of Canadian softwood lumber. This is a flagrant disregard for the process of law.
There have been several suggestions that the Government should impose its own tariffs on incoming goods such as orange juice and wine, or slap outgoing tariffs on oil and gas exports from Canada.
The drones at the Ministry here feel that will hurt Canadian consumers, or cause further division between the Government with the Province of Alberta.
However, it is clear that the Government, on behalf of the people of Canada, must retaliate in some way or we will continue to be bullied by our erstwhile “partners” in Free Trade to the South.
Solution:
We propose that Canada move immediately on Operation BC Bud, which is designed to really annoy specific influential decision-makers in Washington.
Operation BC Bud
Phase One: Immediately deny extradition of Marc Emery, as requested by US.
Phase Two: Immediately decriminalize the possession and sale of cannabis in amounts of 30 grams or less. Continue Reading →
Archive | Parody & Satire
US Drug Enforcement Agency Asks Canada to Extradite Cows
SEATTLE — The US Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) has filed extradition orders with Canadian authorities, demanding that Canada deliver their cattle to American justice.
“We have been waiting for the US Department of Agriculture (USDA) to drop the ban on Canadian beef almost as long as Alberta Beef Producers,” DEA spokesperson Peter “Buzzkill” Wimsey said at a news conference earlier this morning.
“Canadian cattle have been using the Internet and the postal service to traffic in cannabis seeds for years, and it is time to put a stop to their illegal activities,” he added.
The cattle were unavailable for comment.
“Hundreds of thousands of dollars of their illicit profits are known to have been channeled to marijuana cow legalization groups active in the United States and Canada. Bovine drug legalization lobbyists now have one less pot of money to rely on,” said Wimsey, smirking for the camera. “See what I did there? Used ‘pot’ in another way?”
The cows at the center of this debate come from three Alberta ranches, and all contribute to several websites they run collectively: cowseeds.ca, cowcannibisculture.ca, and hempheifers.ca.
“Once we have them in custody, they will probably face 10 years to life in prison, or we may just barbeque them,” said Wimsey.
Farming groups, pot activists and cow enthusiasts have asked the Canadian Minister of Justice, Irwin Cotler, to refuse to extradite the trio of blunt-biased bovines on the basis that it would be unjust and oppressive.
Inspired by:
Russia uses pot as animal feed | Original cow photo by oxymoron
More cowbell!
Don’t fear the reaper. Christopher Walken for President.
Here’s his statement:
“Hey, you’re talking to my guy all wrong here. It’s the wrong tone. You better watch it, or I’ll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that.”
He’d kick Arny’s ass. Official site.
Alternate History Fridays: Hirohito Looks Over His To Do List
For an old, old man, it had been a busy week, but there was still more to do before the bureaucrats took the weekend off.
He’d managed to deflect the moderates, who felt Japan should apologize for the bombings of San Francisco and Los Angeles; it was 60 years ago, and he wished people would just forget the past. They should think about the future. As though they should apologize! No matter how horrible, those bombs saved millions of lives – many of them Japanese. To think he’d almost told that fruitcake Hitler that they didn’t want the a-bomb technology. What a mistake that would have been!
And he’d successfully screwed the Chinese over again. Heh. Must drive them nuts, he thought. For the third time, China got the Asian Free Trade Board to rule in their favor on the rice duties Japan had been imposing, but he told his people to ignore it. But what could China do? They had lots of land and peasants, but no army. No technology. (It all came back to their nuclear arsenal again, didn’t it?)
But the nuclear arsenal was not going to fix the problem in Arabia, where the fundamentalists were waging a successful insurgency against the Imperial occupation. You couldn’t nuke everything. It would just take more troops. Perhaps more levies from Korea and Manchuria. Continue Reading →
Failed EU putsch of dirndl industry
BAVARIA — The European Union has failed in its effort to take over the Bavarian Dirndl Works.
The attempted military coup of the largest dirndl-producing plant in Munich was foiled by the matrons in charge of the production line; their numbers were bolstered by a phalanx of lusty Bavarian barmaids, desperate to protect their traditional form of dress.
“Yah, ve not let EU Bureaucrats und deir girly-men soldiers take over plant,” said Heidi Schtuppen, spokesperson for the barmaids.
The dirndl is the traditional costume of a Bavarian barmaid, consisting of a dress and apron with a tight, low-cut top. The figure-hugging effect is enhanced by a short white blouse.
Recently, the EU passed legislation banning these plunging necklines to protect workers from “harmful” radiation.
“Theey say they vant to protect us from der sun, but ve think it’s about de . . . how you say . . . ogling of our assets,” Schtuppen told The Skwib as she leaned over to put more beer on our table.
“This is European law-making at its most pedantic,” said Munich’s mayor, Christian Ude, between pilsners. “A waitress is no longer allowed to wander round a beer garden with a plunging neckline. I would not want to enter a beer garden under these conditions.”
The team of EU soldiers, a crack unit of the French Reddition Corps, is being held in Munich at Der Vundergarden Beerhall & Prison, where they are being fed a steady stream of weißwürste, knödel, and sauerkraut. Their commander, Captain Jacque Courir, who escaped capture by running away early in the raid, has already launched an investigation into the treatment of his troops.
“It iz most un’umane,” said Captain Courir, “‘ze are not uzed to such ‘eavy food.”
Inspired by:
The Tan Ban Controversy | German Cuisine
Unfrozen caveman lawyer defends Marc Emery
Your Honour, I’m just a caveman. I fell in a crevasse, froze, and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me!
Sometimes your traffic makes me want to get out of my Range Rover … and run to the nearest Starbucks, or wherever I can find some decent sushi … Sometimes when I get an email on my Blackberry, I wonder: “Did little demons get inside and type it?” I don’t know! My primitive mind can’t grasp these concepts.
But there is one thing I DO know — when a man like my client sells seeds of a plant found in nature, using only a website, the postal system and a multi-million-dollar grow operation, he has done nothing wrong. He should not be extradited to a foreign country, to be punished by those who are so alienated from Mother Earth that they cannot enjoy her fruits.
You might be thinking of a saying from my time: “never poke a mammoth in the eye, unless you had a way to kill him too.”
I say, sometimes the mammoth has to be poked, just so he won’t step on you. But what do I know? I’m just a caveman. Your world frightens and confuses me!
–With apologies for the early-90s reference, and to Phil Hartman, for stealing his bit.
Inspired by:
DEA asks Canadian government to extradite “Prince of Pot” Marc Emery