Angry monkey with a chaingun. I’ve been there.
Archive | August, 2010
Contest: extended to September 9th!
Don’t miss this opportunity to win a walk-on role in my next book, which I’ve extended a couple days past Labour Day. All you have to do is sign up for The MonkeySphere, my monthly newsletter, or join my Facebook page, and you could win:
- a chance to appear in a walk-on role in my next book
- a chance to win one of three copies of Marvellous Hairy, a novel in five fractals
- the exciting chance to have a “mystery” item from my desk sent to you.
Even better, join both — you’ll double your chances, and anyone who signs up for the MonkeySphere will get $2 off Marvellous Hairy. More details here.
Do it now, because the contest closes soon!
Alltop is waiting to procrastinate.
Excruciating Album Cover Art — Let Me Touch Him
This masterpiece from The Minister’s Quartet is not so terrible. It’s more a problem of context, really, than anything else.
Clearly, they are referring to Jesus, and what could be more natural than a man of the cloth wanting to “touch” the Savior and Messiah — metaphorically, you pervs!
Of course, here at The Skwib, we are not completely unaware of the news media, and so, have heard some of the stories about clergy abusing the younger members of their congregation. Did you know that as many as one in four clergymen is likely to sexually abuse a member of their church? We don’t want to get into the business of trying to parse those odds, but if that is an accurate figure (which it probably isn’t) our money is on this guy: 
The only way this cover could be worse? They could be wearing liturgical vestments.
Sorry, we didn’t mean “worse” — we meant more accurate.
Alltop wants to be touched. For more excruciation, join Paul Zon at his Museum of Bad Album Cover Art. Originally published in 2007, when for some bizarre reason I had comments turned off!
Excruciating Album Cover Art — Cerrone’s Paradise
Did you know that fewer than 12% of French households actually had a fridge in 1977? And did you know that it is quite common for advertisers to market orange juice, eggs, wine and other breakfast foods with images of naked women?
That is the kind of marketing genius that is behind Cerrone’s Paradise. Of course, this cover only worked in France (where Cerrone is from) in 1977, where they understood the inherent sexiness of small fridges with naked women draped over them. And of course, spilled yogurt is also a major turn-on.
Not so sure about the unbuttoned disco shirt and the look on Mr. Cerrone’s face that seems to say, “eventually, she will end up in my sexually desirable appliance.”
Strangely, the same basic logic is at play in his follow-up album, “Supernature”, in which Cerrone flashes his man-boobies while several surgeons dressed as pigs check out his ass from underneath an operating table decorated with an anatomically correct model of Emile Zola (without skin). Incidentally, this album cover is a total rip-off of Toulouse Le Grandfig’s “Wax Hospital Fantasy #12”.
Alltop still uses an ice box. You’ll find Paul Zon’s take on this artwork at his Gallery of Bad Album Cover Art. And you’ll find more delightful Cerrone album covers here. Originally published on a cave wall. (2007).
Excruciating Album Cover Art — God’s Power
Run Satan! Mike Crain, the Katarist [sic] Preacher, is coming to kick your ass!
This is a disturbing cover. At first I thought Mr. Crain was wearing a WWII helmet, and then I realized, “oh, that’s just his hair.” Perhaps after he finishes splitting blocks of wood, he can go see “Sheena, God’s Stylist”.
Actually, if the goal is for us to take the idea that his mighty karate is the work of God seriously, then it’s not that badly designed. I especially like the way the crucifix is beaming its God Power right to the point where Crain is breaking wood (and judging from the look on his face, his articulatio radiocarpalis).
I’d actually like to hear this album. I imagine Crain crooning hymns, reciting violent passages from the Book of Exodus, and making you jump out of your chair as he finishes every track with a ear-busting hai-yah-men!
Now, you’re probably thinking, “I don’t think Jesus (the Turn-the-Other-Cheek Messiah) would approve of lethal strikes designed to crush one’s private area.” But Karate is not about destroying your opponent’s most vulnerable parts (groin, solar plexus, neck), it’s about purging oneself of evil thoughts, and self-control, and doing woodwork with your hands.
And Jesus would have approved of all of those — he was a carpenter, after all.
Alltop only works with Formica. For more excruciation, join Paul Zon at his Museum of Bad Album Cover Art. Originally published in 2007.
Excruciating Album Cover Art — Tijuana Picnic
Once you’ve listened to Colonel Sanders’ Tijuana Picnic, you’ll have a mysterious craving for it every other week.
Based on the sound of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass, this is fusion of fast food, Colonel Sanders’ questionable taste in beard styles, and a Dadaist aesthetic that is truly penguin. When I first saw this cover I was mesmerized by the tableau. A white Anglo-Saxon family has been kidnapped by Colonel Sanders and forced to eat his trademark fried chicken. (In Mexico, the addictive element of the eleven herbs and spices is a generous helping of mescaline.)
Once the psychedelics kick in, the “Colonel” will unleash the slightly mistimed trumpets, which will play “A Taste Of Honey“, “Tijuana Taxi” and “Our Day Will Come.”
When the Anglo-Saxons are thoroughly disoriented and freaked out, then the fingerlickin’ begins!