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Archive | September, 2010

An outraged diner emails the In-Vitro Café

By on September 30, 2010 in But is it art?, Skwibby fiction

From: wally42@yaboo.com
To: owner@invitrocafe.com
Subject: Suing your restaurant
————————————————

Dear Proprietor,

My wife and I managed to get a table at the grand opening of your establishment last night, and we regret our effort.

We are both conscientious eaters, so the idea of dining on in-vitro meat that was grown in a lab appealed to us. We believe that no creature should be slaughtered for our own pleasure, so we have not eaten meat for years. In short, we were thrilled to hear about your new enterprise and we wanted to support it. Even the high price tag, and “mysterious” nature of your menu could not put us off.

We were not even dissuaded by having to sign a non-disclosure agreement before dining.

You can find the rest of the story at Defenestration — Literary Humor …>

Still time to enter the Vintage Ads of Fictional Futures contest

By on September 29, 2010 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

There have been lots more great entries — I’ve got a sample below. You have until midnight on October 4th (that’s Monday) to get your entries in. Details on the contest and the full gallery can be found at the Vintage Ads of Fictional Futures page.

Slurm
Title: Enjoy Slurm
Based on: Futurama		 Gonzo
Title: Gonzo
Based on: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Soylent greent
Title: The Exciting New Soylent Green Bar
Based on: Solyent Green		 RealCrave
Title: RealCrave: the small difference between mecha and glamour girl
Based on: AI
Alltop is already vintage.

Ask General Kang: I can’t stop playing Civilization V. Can you help?

By on September 28, 2010 in Ask General Kang

ask general kangHmm. Do you have access to an intergalactic armada and enough firepower to conquer another world? If so, then I think I can help you, but I’ll need to borrow them first.

If not, then you’re screwed.

Everybody knows that the strategy game of Civilization is basically electronic crack. My advice is to take it like a bipedal hominid! Just play until your eyes start to bleed. Try not to whine about it so much, as you lose your sight, feeling, and capacity to think in non-turn-based time. It distracts the rest of us from our games.

I’m building the Pyramids!

Next week: About that slimy alien creature that crawled into my ear a couple of months ago — do you think it could be taking over my … garble, garble … NEVER MIND.

Alltop is still excited about Monopoly. And yes, CIV 5 is every bit as addictive as previous versions. And it really is as addictive as other things.

Further evidence that Superman is the laziest superhero

By on September 27, 2010 in Parody & Satire

comic of superman

Other weak efforts from the Man of Steel:

  • Uses his pajamas as his costume: basically, he wears what his mommy sent him to Earth in.
  • Changes into his costume in phone booth: couldn’t he use his super-speed to find a bathroom or something. Hell, he should be able to fly back to the Fortress of Solitude and back and still have time.
  • Wears his costume UNDER his clothes: and if that wasn’t bad enough, he wears the costume under his street clothes.
  • His “disguise” is ridiculous — a pair of glasses and a slouch. For the strongest being on the planet, that’s pretty weak.

I’m sure you’ll have lots of other instances. Please add them in the comments.

Alltop is the Solomon Grundy of Internet humor sites. Cartoon by Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal.

Want cyborg teddy!

By on September 24, 2010 in Hinky History, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Early attempts at human-machine hybrids
Early efforts at creating a human-machine hybrid were unsuccessful.

The subject did not gain any of the benefits of cyborgism — extended lifespan, bone-crushing strength, heightened mental faculties — and in the process, the computer used to augment the human was compromised. (Thereafter all the programmers could do was get it to do was ask for its “ba-ba”.)

Up side: misbehaving children were much easier to control. Down side, this strict control required a lax attitude towards explosive incontinence. (Not even a three-foot stack of towels could contain it.)

Alltop has no excuses for its EI. Frightening photo via Twisted Vintage. (Not necessarily safe for work.)