Yep.
Canada’s failure to win a seat at the UN Security Council is a fine example. When it became apparent that we were going to be HORRIBLE embarrassed in this enterprise, Canada withdrew. Conservatives quickly blamed our failure on Michael Ignatieff’s bone-headed criticism of them earlier this week.
Had nothing to do with our foreign policy of the past four years, nor with our ham-fisted lobbying efforts. Of course, I’m sure Iggy WISHES he had that kind of power and influence.
Mistress Plenty O’Taunt was the four-time winner of Dominatrix of the Year, given at the annual “Dommie” ceremony held the day after the Nobel Prizes. (Though only Sven Spankenborg sat on both the Nobel and Dommie committees.)
Though known primarily for her role-playing prowess, O’Taunt had some notoriety for her risqué, and let’s face it, hazardous costume design. In fact, she would have been a lock for five Dommies in a row if she had not inadvertently stabbed Jeremy Pencilpin, Member of Parliament for Pumping-on-Tyne, to death with her Pickelhaube-inspired bustier and codpiece (not pictured for legal reasons).
She was forced to retire (after a short stint in prison for inadvertent, but hilarious, manslaughter). Later, she found some success in Hollywood, designing costumes and scarifying megalomaniacal DPs.
Her most famous work can be seen in Return of the Jedi.
As you may know, the fine folk at CBC have foolishly opened the doors to an avalanche of self-promotion by allowing people to nominate their own choice of book for the competition. On the Canada Reads website, they state that this year, Canada Reads is looking for the essential Canadian novels of the decade.
It would be wonderful if you, dear reader, could help get Marvellous Hairy on the long list (’cause we need to be realistic about this, and that in itself would be a coup). So that you can feel confident in helping achieve this, here are the reasons why Marvellous Hairy is an essential Canadian novel:
Now, please go to the CBC website and fill out the recommendation form. It is your patriotic duty. Or, if you’re not Canadian, I promise to send you the instructions on how to stop saying, “beauty, eh?”
More about Marvellous Hairy here, including links to reviews, the podcast, and an excerpt.
Common side effects include heavy breathing, panting, hyperventilation, lack of peripheral vision, excessive screaming, painful hearing and nasal discharge that may look like rice pudding. Sorry, but it happens.
You should probably enjoy flatulence if you want to take this drug, unless you live at an even-numbered address, in which case, expect projectile vomiting on an hourly basis. Married men can expect long periods of impotence, though we have not conclusively proved this is because of the drug.
Single men in the company of nuns should be ready for painful, humiliating bouts of extreme priapism. Women will want to have a razor handy. (For the excessive hair growth, not for dealing with priapism.)
If you’re thinking about taking this drug while driving, just stop right there. Also, most people taking this drug find themselves incapable of walking, crawling or singing the works of Cole Porter. Gershwin is ok.
Rare side effects include basket weaving, syncopated urination, frequent urination, explosive urination and occasionally, urination. We recommend you set up an IV BEFORE you take your first dose.
Speaking of your first dose, when you begin taking Lucidiva™, you will experience a clarity of thought and eloquence of speech that makes President Obama look like his predecessor. We apologize to everyone trying to take an MBA, but clearly Lucidiva™ is not for you.
If your skin begins to strobe, consult your physician. If you fingernails burst into flame, put them out, but not with water. That will not work. Trust us on this. Use baking powder, or some kind of halon system. Just hold your breath. If you happen to inhale halon while taking Lucidiva™ we cannot be held responsible. Just make sure your will is up to date.
Very rarely, patients experience visions of aliens, talking monkeys and sometimes, angels. If the latter, it is acceptable to consult a priest.
Finally, if you see the bird, don’t try to talk to it. Don’t even look —
Appeared on Grasping for the Wind on October 8.
[Mrs. Beset is washing her cat in the Nile, when Mrs. Knouphis enters, carrying a papyrus-reed basket, filled with jars of human organs.]
Mrs. Knouphis: “‘Allo Mrs. Beset.”
Mrs. Beset: “‘Allo Mrs. Knouphis.”
K: “‘Av you ‘eard about that Mrs. Thoth?”
B: “No Mrs. Knouphis.” [She whacks the cat on the rock and it meows plaintively .]
K: “She’s quite a hag. Beggaring ‘er ‘usband she is. She won’t eat nothin’ but lotus salad.” [K. kneels down by the river and starts unpacking the organs, which she cleans in the water.]
B: “That bitch! What’s ‘he ‘usband doin’ about it?”
K: “Well, ‘es got to make some money, don’t ‘e? The poor man’s been spending lots of evenings over at that fat priest’s house.”
B: “Oooo, not Father Reshep, the one covered in date oil at the sex temple?”
K: “The very same.”
B: “Ooo, poor Mr. Thoth.”
K: “Yes, beggaring him — buggering her husband she is.”
B: “Hmm. I don’t care for that kind of talk Mrs. K. It’s very unappealing.”
K: “Well intercourse your sense of what’s appealing Mrs. B you old fart! I’m just tellin’ you the news.”
[They both cackle.]
K: Well I have to go, the Priests at the Valley don’t have forever to get these packed in myrrh.
[They both cackle again, and Mrs. K. departs. Mrs. B. returns to scrubbing mewling cat.]
With apologies to Monty Python’s original pepperpot ladies:
This is great work, and even if much of it is guesswork, some of it is amusing stuff. (For example, the online gaming world is set in the Dopamine Sea.)