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Archive | February, 2011

Nudels

By on February 8, 2011 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Stacy is horrified by tofu

When her friends invited her to the Harry Harrison Make Room! Make Room! Noodle Bar, Stacy expected a fun night out. Perhaps they would drink too much sake, eat some noodles tinted with green dye (that they would jokingly call “soylent green”) and forget about the tiny zombies rampaging through the city.

To her horror, she was presented with tofu.

More terrifying tofu here. Thanks to Betenoir for the photo.

Man Watches The Hunt for Red October 105 Times, Decides It’s Not that Good

By on February 7, 2011 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

The Hunt for Red OctoberLONDON, ONTARIO (The Skwib) — After a courageous five weeks, Terry Bakker has abandoned his New Year’s Resolution to watch The Hunt for Red October every time it comes on TV.

“I had no idea how often TBS, Spike and American Movie Classics play this God-damned movie,” an enraged Bakker told The Skwib.

“I hate quitting anything, but I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve had to watch it 105 times. That averages to more than three times a day. On Saturday I had to watch it five times. I didn’t get any fucking sleep! Do you have any idea it takes to watch a two-hour movie on TBS after midnight? Four-and-three-quarter hours!”

Bakker made the resolution at a New Year’s Eve party after doing six rounds of Jägermeister shots, and declaring to everyone gathered that The Hunt for Red October was a “freakin’ cinematic masterpiece.”

Party host and designated driver Patrick Whalen asked if Bakker would care to back that up with a New Year’s Resolution and an accompanying bet.

“I honestly didn’t think Terry was that drunk. Or that he’d do it,” Whalen said. “So, he’s definitely lost the bet. Not that I’m going to hold him to it.”

If he didn’t succeed in watching the 1990 film starring Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin, Bakker promised to shave his head with a cheese-grater and a pair of toenail clippers.

Based on a Tom Clancy novel, the story follows Jack Ryan (Baldwin) as he tries to help Captain Marko Ramius (Connery) defect with the Soviet Union’s newest ballistic missile submarine, the Red October, which has a silent propulsion system that uses caterpillars in some way.

“I’d much rather shave my head than listen to Sean Connery masticate another syllable. The scars will heal. I mean, he’s supposed to be Lithuanian, so what’s with the accent? I know he only has the one accent, but God! And what the fuck is going on with the rest of the Russian crew? Some of them sound like Mr. Chekov from Star Trek: ‘Captain, we are on a nucwear wessel,’ and some of them sound like winners of the British Upper Class Twit of the Year Contest. And don’t get me started on Connery’s eyebrows. Those things just freak me out.”

The makers of the infamous digestif, Mast-Jägermeister AG, declined to comment.

IMDB entry on The Hunt for Red October | These people are suspected of multiple jägerbombing atrocities. Originally published in January 2008.

Ask General Kang: I really don’t understand quantum mechanics — is there any hope for my marriage? Also I’m pretty sure my wife is cheating on me with a vampire.

By on February 4, 2011 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangI think your marriage is safe, as long as you can do two things.

First of all, you HAVE to wrap your head around Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. Here’s the easy way to understand it: basically, the simultaneous determination of both the position and momentum of a particle each has an inherent uncertainty, the product of these being not less than a known constant.

In other words, you don’t know WHAT you’ve done wrong, and if you did know what you’d done wrong, you wouldn’t know WHEN you did it wrong.

Second of all, you have to tackle the other issue head-on. Invite the vampire over for dinner. When it’s time for desert, tell your undead guest that you’re having banana cream pie. Make a big deal about it. Say you took all day to make it, how much the werewolf you play pick-up road hockey likes your banana cream pie, and so on.

Go get the pie, and when you bring it in, pretend to trip and put the pie right in his face. Then when he’s wiping pie out of his eyes, stab him through the heart with a wooden stake. (Real wood, no Formica.)

Or you could just shoot him with kind of crossbow when he comes through the front door. (Wooden bolt, no aluminum!)

Next time: I have a related question: There is a plague of zombies in my town. Can you recommend a good exterminator?

Alltop hates getting stabbed with Formica. Originally published in 2005.