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Archive | May, 2011

Celebrating six years of The Skwib with free stuff

By on May 5, 2011 in But is it art?, Skwibby fiction

In celebration of this event, The Skwib’s giftmonkey offers you a free copy of The Amadeus Net, a chance to win a Kindle, and yesterday’s un-flung poop.

The Skwib is officially six years old! The first entry in this archive begins in May 2005, and I’m celebrating with free stuff.

As you may know, in addition to writing this blog, I also pen novels of a satirical and absurd nature; in fact, I started the blog as a way to let people know about my books, but I’ve found The Skwib is its own reward. I hope you feel so too! So to celebrate, I’m got a couple of giveaways to share. You can get my first novel for free, and you have a great chance to win a Kindle eReader too!

My first novel, The Amadeus Net, is a futuristic satire that asks the obvious question, would an immortal Mozart have his own “sprouter” snipped off? Do sentient cities fall in love? Find out more at The Amadeus Net, and if you’re already ready to read it, you can go download the PDF for free (until May 31), courtesy of my publisher ENC Press.

And if you’re already sold on the whole e-book thing, then you may be itching to get a Kindle. If you buy my second book, Marvellous Hairy, you’ll have a great chance to win a Kindle Wifi (the $139 version) in a draw. All you have to do is buy the Kindle edition (or paperback), and then forward your purchase confirmation to me at marvellouskindle-at-gmail (dot) com. One-in-75 wins! (If you already have a Kindle, there’s a draw for Skins too. And Canadian and UK orders also count!)

The full details and contest rules are listed here.

You can also get entered in the draw by signing up for my newsletter, The MonkeySphere, or liking my Facebook page. When the latter reaches 2,000, I’m giving away a Kindle to one lucky reader. (And if you’re already signed up, you’re already entered.)

On a personal note, if you’ve enjoyed The Skwib over the years, I’d like to thank you for your time!

And I’d appreciate it if you gave one or both of my novels a try too. I guarantee, they’re MUCH better than the dreck I’ve been slinging around here:

And now, a picture of a monkey, wearing a hat, riding a goat. Caution, your head may explode from the awesome:

monkey riding a goat

Alltop wouldn’t be what it is today without The Skwib. Awesome chimp shot by Riley and Amos.

Ask General Kang: How do you beat high gas prices?

By on May 4, 2011 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangI have never owned one of your quaint “internal combustion engine” vehicles, so I have not had to worry about the high price of gas, but I have been getting nailed on the cost of most foods appropriate for the Thringian Keg-Beast that I ride to work every day.

On my home planet, I fed my Keg-Beast leftover hyper-bananas from the über-chimp orgy the night before, but since I’ve been on Earth, there has been a dearth of both hyper-bananas (apparently they won’t grow in your frigid Earth climate) and über-chimp swinging events (this explains why I am so cranky). So, I’ve found alternatives; the Keg-Beast works best on a mixture of corn syrup, mescaline and the sweat of writers living in a state of quiet despair. Most of those elements are plentiful and relatively cheap, but do you have any idea how costly corn syrup is?

You humans are stupid! You’re burning fossil fuels to grow corn, which you turn into ethanol to burn along with your fossil fuels. Why don’t you just cut out the middle-man and take a flamethrower to your cornfields when they’re ripe? You will lose only a fraction of the energy value and most of the vegetable matter will end up adding to global warming. As an added bonus: big fire!

Then your planet will be able to grow hyper-bananas, and all will be well.

… Assuming we can get a few female über-chimps down here too.

Next time: I’m trapped in the Andromeda galaxy because my hyper-drive engine is asking for a better benefits package — how do it get it back to work without giving it full dental?

Alltop would try this, but it’s allergic to bananas.

Run, the economy is angry!

By on May 3, 2011 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire


imagine the economy is an angry giant

I imagine the economy is a humongous nerd named Judhearst, and his hobby is making economists look like idiots (and collecting Star Trek memorabilia). He gets very angry when you make fun of the latter, and will sick his rabid dog, IMF, on you.

Alltop used to be a humongous nerd, but then The Skwib joined its feed.

Ask General Kang: Will you vote in the Canadian federal election today?

By on May 2, 2011 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangI find this democratic process of yours quaint and charming, so yes, I’ll be voting. It’s hard to believe I’ve been on this magnificent blue ball (which you are ruining by the way) long enough to receive citizenship, but I have.

Funnily enough, I started out in politics.

My own home planet, Neecknaw, once had a system of government similar to the “representative” democracies of your Earth nations. So before I became an overlord, I was elected Prime Primate.

Now, winning an election is not an easy thing to do (unless you’re Jean Chretien), but I managed through a combination of inspiring oratory, good organization, and the secretions of the Pfluugen Slug from Planet Muguulgar. (This colorless and odorless liquid is quite powerful, and renders imbibers of it very suggestible. Okay, it makes them your willing slaves, but only if you know how much to use and what to say afterward.)

Oh, I can see what you are thinking: how could he possible give that every voter? I didn’t have to. I only had to slip a little bit in to reporters’ drinks at the Press Club. Now clearly, this subterfuge would never work here in Canada, in this post-journalism era. I suspect that even if I drugged the pollsters and forced them to reveal I was far ahead, that would not work.

If find your Canadian electorates’ ability to do its own thing quite disturbing. (Not as disturbing as Stephen Harper finds it, I’m sure, but still.)

But don’t worry, eventually I’ll get a new armada and a few brigades of uber-chimps armed with slide whistles and plasma rifles, and then I’ll sort it all out!

Next time: I’m building a Moon of Destruction, and I’m working out some of the details. How small do the exhaust ports have to be to prevent teenagers from blowing it up with a single plasma bolt?

Alltop is outraged that Mark just stole that joke from Robot Chicken.