Tag Archives | beach

Beach Babes of Vision

Misunderstood Genius

Greta

Greta “The Fallopian” Webcastico was ahead of her time. Not only was she the finest beach accordionist in the tri-state area, Greta was the first composer to create music designed to be played in counterpoint to the dulcet tones of molting seagulls eager to eat your French Fries.

The truth was, Greta was the ONLY beach accordionist in the tri-state area. That said, Arnold Schoenberg was intrigued by her ideas and incorporated them into his 12-tone masterpiece, “Variations on the Key of Bleeding Ears.”

Jenny Buxom, beach babe and safe sex enthusiastTime her of ahead

Jenny Buxom was also a forward-thinking beach babe. Nobody was sure if her claims that she had been to the Land of the Future was eccentric whimsy, or if her radioactive bikini (which she’d picked up for a song at the Atoll-must-go sale) was causing a her synapses to misfire.

Whimsy or not, she was serious about any prospective beaux putting on “the suit” before hanky-panky.

She called it safe sex.

Dieter called it delectable. Particularly when she stood on his air hose.

Get a regular hosing of absurd and humorous prose when you sign up for The MonkeySphere. You’ll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop is also ahead of their time. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding these pics. Originally published in February, 2009.

[From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Necrobiblia collection]

René Magritte: Merchant Banker Masters His Mental Powers at Walton-on-the-Naze

image of Rene Magritte's Son of Man

While an art historian will tell you this 1964 painting is called “The Son of Man”, and is meant to be a meditation on what is hidden in the visible world, they are of course, hiding the dreadful truth.

Since the early days of the 20th century, Britain’s merchant bankers have controlled the world economy through their prodigious mental powers. A favourite training ground for this activity was the Essex seaside resort of Walton-on-the-Naze, mostly because of the heavy absurdium deposits in the region, but also because of the lovely beach and nice weather.

Absurdium, as all psionic adepts know, greatly enhances even the most latent mental powers, and so, The Ancient Order of Merchant Bankers would send all their most promising members to enhance and train their abilities. They could only graduate when they could perform the “apple in the eye” trick, pictured here. While this may seem like a simple bit of levitation, you will note that the banker’s left arm is now bent backwards at the elbow.

Not pictured: the beach filled with non-banker holidaymakers bursting into flames, though Magritte does allude to this horror by filling the sunny sky with dark, human-smudge clouds.

Naturally, the Ancient Order no longer uses this ritual, and since discovering the derivative and credit-default swaps, it appears as though its members’ prodigious mental powers have largely disappeared.

You can find more Famous Paintings with SF Titles here.

Alltop loves the derivative! Originally published December 2010.

Seaside Holiday

Seaside holidayThe brochure had said it would be peaceful and calm. It had even pointed out the great sea view. It had mentioned “more beach than you’d ever need”, which was accurate, but slightly misleading. (It was shale, not sand.)

It had described the deck chairs as “quaint”, which he supposed was true, if by “quaint” you meant having to sit on something clearly created by the Marquis de Sade, and designed to pinch your genitals with just enough force to cause vomiting, but not death.

But the brochure had not said anything about having to sit with Big Smelly Jenny.

Alltop would go anyway. Originally published May 2007. Photo by Franks_Wild