Tag Archives | Bible

A Brief History of the Unicorn: Part One, The Bible

An arty photo of a kickass sculpture of a unicornWikipedia claims the unicorn is a mythological creature, and I call bullshit on that.

The unicorn is not mythological. The kraken is mythological. Jörmungandr, the Midgard Serpent, is a mythological beast. These are animals that defy logic and the physical rules of the universe — seriously, a snake that encircles the earth? The unicorn, however, is just a superior, yet extinct, animal.

The unicorn, or onus cornu, was once plentiful on the subcontinent of India, and in survived in secluded glades throughout Eurasia up through the 17th century, until humans hunted them into extinction. (As we are won’t to do with all the really cool animals, such as jabberwocky and jackalope.)

This brief series is intended to explain the nature of the unicorn, and its part in human history.

The Unicorn through the Ages

Part One: The Bible

References to unicorns are scattered throughout the historical record, no more obvious than in Deuteronomy, where Moses discusses the nature of the unicorn and God:

Adam looked at the beast, and said: “This shall be a horse.”

And to Jaweh he said, “truly lord, you are magnificent, what could be more awesome?”

The Earth shook, and Jaweh said, “screw you Adam. What could be more awesome. I am more awesome.”

And Adam said, “well, that goes without saying ye who have created, literally, everything. You are the tops. But I meant in terms of non-predatory beasts. What could be better than a horse? It’s fast. It carries a great load. It’s gait is proof of your existence. And it even smells nice.”

Jaweh said, “what if it smelled like marshmallows?”

And Adam asked, “oh tell me, Lord, what is a marshmallow?”

This just angered Jaweh, and he said, “you know what would make this more awesome? Something that let it kill predators. Like a giant freakin’ horn made of gold. And it should have a kick-ass beard like me, and something flashy for a tail. Like the one I did for the lion. And instead of a regular hoof, it has cloven hooves. And only virgins can ride them. And they shall be immensely strong.”

Adam was stunned by the beauty of the unicorn, and he wanted to ride it, but Jaweh said only Eve could ride it, and only before it had taken her as a man takes a woman.

And Adam said, “who is Eve?”

Jaweh said, “oh, right. We haven’t got there yet.”

Alltop definitely doesn’t smell like marshmallows. Photo of Mardi Storm sculpture via Gabe Gross.

Forty-seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#34)

From the Book of Jerry

postmarkAnd yea, it shall be a time of great lamentation and strangeness.

The fish of the seas shall drink of the bones of the past, and the birds of the sky shall be coated in its blackness, and the race of Adam shall be helpless before its wrath.

But in this era of evil a man shall send another man a Parcel. And it shall contain a book of fiction, and filled with lies and tales of great wantonness and evil. And they shall both make use of the Mail. And the Parcel will arrive many days before the Pharisees of the Postal Service said it would arrive.

And they will tremble, and fear, for they shall see it as A Sign of the End.

Alltop always uses the Pharisees of The Brown. Newsy proof: I can attest to this one. Quite a few review copies of Marvellous Hairy have arrived well before what the US and Canadian postal services have promised! (And of course, the first paragraph is clearly about the Gulf oil spill.) Postmark photo by stvcr.

Forty-seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#37)

From the Book of iChronicles

The False Prophet called Blue BirdAnd in this time the People shall become like unto the creatures that live in the Earth. The people shall share Tubes and they shall be intertwined, and lo, many will call them the Inter-Tubes and it shall please the people, though they are caught in a Web.

They will forget the Lord and instead, worship the Screen, and the Digit, and they shall share their wantonness thusly.

It shall pass that many of the People shall worship a False Prophet called Blue Bird. And they will be pleased by this Blue Bird, and they shall have the attention span of the newt, and share their brief and simple thoughts in characters of a gross less four. And some will say, lo! here is the Prophet of Blue Bird and its value is a thousand times a million talents!

And the Whale shall visit these Worshippers of the False Prophet, and there will be lamentation, and anxiety, and a great clicking.

The newsy proof is at the Wall Street Journal. Alltop is also worried about Satanic valuations.