Tag Archives | cannibalism

The Curious Case of Toulouse Le Grandfig, Graphic Designer (Part Two)

Entry 2: Dictated: April 26, 1951 (continued from Part One)

For our first session, I thought I would try to understand Grandfig’s psychosis through the medium of his art. I brought in the artwork he had been working on for a hat-maker, and had him role-play what the characters were saying to one another. [Figure 8]

Hat dudesFrom recording of patient interview, April 26, 1951:

Dr. Cornelius: So what are the men in this first panel saying to one another Mr. Grandfig?

Gradfig’s voice: Hey Bob, how are things going with the new job?

Great Jim, I’ve just been assigned to CEO cleanup in sector 6.

Really, how’s that going?

Not well. They keep eating everyone. But at least I have this hat. Of course, it would be nice if it had a laser defense net too!

Dr. Cornelius: What is a laser defense net?

Grandfig: Something to keep the CEOs at bay. Long enough to find a baby or something to throw at them anyway.

Dr. Cornelius: What?

Grandfig: Should I do the next one?

Dr. Cornelius: Uh, I haven’t fully absorbed the first, but yes, let’s.

Grandfig: “Hey Steve how’s that hat feeling. Is the laser defense net uncomfortable?”

“Mrfpp, mdhgtr, pank mawlk … mipe.”

“Yeah, I had a cerebral embolism once too.”

Dr. Cornelius: So you think the man with the pipe had a cerebral embolism?

Grandfig: Of course not. Jones is an idiot.

[sound of heavy sigh]

Dr. Cornelius: How about this last one?

Grandfig: Oh, they’re in love.

[recording stops]

Apparently, Mr. Scott’s amateur diagnosis is correct. Clearly, there are repressed issues afoot, so for our next session, I asked Grandfig to create a painting of his family, and he produced Figure 9:

the family of T le G.

I administered 150 mg of thorazine immediately.

When Grandfig had calmed, I asked him why he was so obsessed with anthropophagy. Had he eaten people?

He was groggy, but he answered. “Not in this timeline Doctor. And in the Land of the Future, all I ever ate was one foot. One foot! You can’t be a cannibal if you eat one foot. Especially if you didn’t know it was a foot. You know I don’t mind telling you, I wish I’d never had my tail removed, then none of this would ever have happened.”

Entry 3: Dictated: April 27, 1951

Thanks for the thorazine!When I dropped by Grandfig’s secured room to see how his night went, I was surprised to see that he was gone. All that was left was a postcard and a small can of food. I ripped off the label, for the record.

The content of the postcard is clearly indicative of some kind of deep paranoia, probably brought about by eating a foot and/or being abused by homosexual Nazis. I must say, I was worried about the veiled threat that I would see Grandfig “in the future.”. The food was clearly mislabeled, as it turned out to be some kind of canned meat.

It was, however, delicious.

You can finds all sorts of canned meat here. My apologies to the authors of The Big Bus. Originally published June 2008.

Classics of Literature — Dystopias & Post-Apocalyptic Hijinks (#1)

1984

1984 coverI’m not sure why everyone is so freaked out about this pretty ordinary tale about a door-to-door salesman and his quest for meaning in a brutal work environment. The love affair between Winston and Julia is touching, though I’m not sure why it’s so …more I’m not sure why everyone is so freaked out about this pretty ordinary tale about a door-to-door salesman and his quest for meaning in a brutal work environment. The love affair between Winston and Julia is touching, though I’m not sure why it’s so important that she fetishes the vacuum attachments Winston is trying to sell her on their first meeting.

I was rather impressed by Orwell’s ability to predict the invention of Creep-Vee, “The Television that Watches You!” (I’m not a big fan, though I know most of the kids really like it, especially the shows where they get to vote on who has to eat the raw goat’s anus)

I was also impressed by Orwell’s ability to predict the rise of Fox News.

The Road

The RoadYou’d think an adventurous post-apocalyptic story would have more pitched sea battles and swordplay, so I was really disappointed with this book. There was only one boat, no pirates, and the violence wasn’t very romantic.

There is some baby-eating, which I found disturbing. Disturbing enough that even this effort won’t clear it from my consciousness:

the road portable meal systems

I dares ya to buy it as a t-shirt.

Alltop likes its baby with carrots.

Excruciating Album Cover Art — Cerrone’s Paradise

Cerrone's ParadiseDid you know that fewer than 12% of French households actually had a fridge in 1977? And did you know that it is quite common for advertisers to market orange juice, eggs, wine and other breakfast foods with images of naked women?

That is the kind of marketing genius that is behind Cerrone’s Paradise. Of course, this cover only worked in France (where Cerrone is from) in 1977, where they understood the inherent sexiness of small fridges with naked women draped over them. And of course, spilled yogurt is also a major turn-on.

Not so sure about the unbuttoned disco shirt and the look on Mr. Cerrone’s face that seems to say, “eventually, she will end up in my sexually desirable appliance.”

Cerrone -- SupernatureStrangely, the same basic logic is at play in his follow-up album, “Supernature”, in which Cerrone flashes his man-boobies while several surgeons dressed as pigs check out his ass from underneath an operating table decorated with an anatomically correct model of Emile Zola (without skin). Incidentally, this album cover is a total rip-off of Toulouse Le Grandfig’s “Wax Hospital Fantasy #12”.

Alltop still uses an ice box. You’ll find Paul Zon’s take on this artwork at his Gallery of Bad Album Cover Art. And you’ll find more delightful Cerrone album covers here. Originally published on a cave wall. (2007).

Renoir’s The Festival of Slorg

Renoir's The Festival of Slorg

Many art historians believe this to be the famous painting, Luncheon of the Boating Party (Le déjeuner des canotiers) by the French impressionist Pierre-Auguste Renoir, painted in 1881.

They are right on two counts: it was Renoir, and it was in 1881, but the actual title was The Festival of Slorg, and is much more sinister than art historians have always assumed.

According to Brian A. Oard in his essay on this painting, The Lure of Lotus Eating:

It is a scene of the triumphant bourgeoisie celebrating an appropriately commercialized version of the fête champêtre in a place that was once a playground of the aristocracy. By 1880, nearly a century after the Revolution, the French middle classes were comfortable enough to party like aristocrats, and in Renoir they found their Watteau.

But this is what we see on the surface . . . The horrors of the Slorgfest are too much for me to relate to you here, but I would note that while bottles of wine are in evidence aplenty, you will note that all their plates are empty. And what was on those plates? Well, let’s just say the population of homeless people of Chatou, France is smaller by at least two.

Alltop thinks it shouldn’t be called cannibalism if you only eat one foot. More about this evil painting at Wikipedia.

Been Champ Beaned Champ

Jimmy 'The Toes' TeteskuJimmy “The Toes” Totesku had great form, quick feet and a legendary left hook.

In his class, he was 12-0, with one TKO. (Bobby “Thunderpants” Riggs had turned out to be a tougher fight than Jimmy had anticipated.)

Nobody really knew why Jimmy thought he could fight the Heavyweight Champion of the World, Ike “The Cannibal” Tymson, but the promoters had thought it was a dream match-up, and the bout was carried world-wide on Pay-Per-View.

Jimmy trained hard, asked his parents to buy him a new pair of boxing gloves, and even managed to go number one like a big boy before the match.

The fight lasted 1.7 seconds. Just long enough for Tymson to bite off Jimmy’s head.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are in a slap-fight to the death. Originally published October 2006.

More of Toulouse Le Grandfig’s works of Dada can be found in the Toulouse Le Grandfig category.