I’ve been without TV for the last three months, so I haven’t witnessed all the miracles Jesus has performed on behalf of the Denver Broncos and Tim Tebow, but I do remember the Elway years…
Tag Archives | Christmas
Betsy of Narnia Reveals the Ugly Truth
‘Allo, dearie, I suppose you’d like to hear all about your hero Aslan and those Pevensie folk, but you don’t want to hear it from the likes of me.
You want to talk to Edmund’s horse Phillip or p’raps those Beavers (desperate suck-ups the Beavers). They’ll tell you want you want to hear.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I was not a fan of that bitch queen at all. Not at all. Us Jersey cows are not made for the cold, and the White Witch had the thermostat turned down all the time, but at least when she was running things, me and the other ladies were more or less left to my own devices.
But since the Pevensies have taken over the establishment, it has been nothing but toil for the likes of me. I get milked at least once a day, usually by that pervert Mr. Tumnus.
(Would it surprise you know that he always has a slurp of me longer teat before milks t’others? He bites a bit too.)
And don’t get me started on General Otman. You’d think a famous centaur like that would have his choice of lady centaurs, and even horses, ‘fer Christ’s sake, but he has a taste for the Jersey, if you get me meanin’.
But it’s not so much the milking and unwanted attention. It’s what happens to the young ‘uns, the male young ‘uns.
It’s not like that Christmas roast just magically appears, you see.
Alltop never did trust that Mr. Tumnus. Photo by normanack. Originally published in 2005!
Troy and Abed — Christmas Infiltration
Alltop enjoys “infiltrating” your funny bone.
A Traditional ‘Christmas’ at the Tundra Household
Dr. Maximilian Tundra was heading home again for the holidays, dread clutching his heart like an iron fist. He’d managed to avoid Thanksgiving, but there was no escape from The Feast.
The Feast, as it was known amongst Clan Tundra, was a toxic stew of carbs, fats, and pharmaceuticals that had a tendency to drive the family bonkers.
Not that they weren’t certifiable to begin with.
Dr. Tundra’s sister, Eugenie, was a brilliant “installation” artist, who was nevertheless, seriously bi-polar. His younger twin brothers, Xavier and Xenophon, had never really recovered from their childhood “incident” — as the family called it — following a plane crash in the Andes. His Da, Dr. Halvard Hemming Tundra, seemed perfectly normal; of course, the Great Danger of attending the Feast was that Dr. H. H. Tundra didn’t attend, and that he sent his doppelganger, Mr. Angry McBucktooth in his stead. His Mum, Beatrice Pelagia Tundra (nee Sweeney) was in denial, but otherwise safe to be around.
And that was just the nuclear family. Getting the extended clan together required a number of court orders, insurance waivers and to be on the safe side, Da usually hired off-duty members of the SWAT to patrol the grounds.
Perhaps it was for that reason, or perhaps it was the family’s iconoclastic nature, but The Feast was never celebrated on Christmas. It always happened on the Solstice.
The darkest day of the year. Of course, it also marked the start of days getting brighter and brighter. The rebirth of the sun, his Da called it. But when it came to the holiday, his family and The Feast, Dr. Tundra was definitely a glass-is-half-empty kind of guy.
The policeman checked his ID, and waved him past the checkpoint, a set of gates loomed ahead, which would let him into the Tundra compound. A high fence, razor wire atop, surrounded the area. Guards and German shepherds patrolled the grounds, checking the fenceline for weak points.
It would do no good. It never did.
He parked, put on his flak jacket and entered the Tundra mansion. The smell of roasting turkey and peyote stuffing filled the house, and Dr. Tundra shuddered.
An outside observer would wonder if that was a shudder of anticipation, excitement, or perhaps the thrill of visceral familiarity that we get when we return to our childhood places.
But no, it was dread.
Alltop freebases its turkey. The reasons why festive feasting can cause family fracases.. Thanks to ckirkman for the turkey pic. Originally published December 2005.
Unwanted Christmas Gifts Through the Ages
In 1170, King Henry II says, “What a parcel of fools and dastards have I nourished in my house, and not one of them will avenge me of this one upstart clerk.” Said fools and dastards decide that this means they should kill Archbishop Thomas Becket.
In 1600, Queen Elizabeth grants a formal charter to the London merchants trading to the East Indies. This doesn’t work out very well for the East Indies.
In 1777 George Washington’s Continental Army is given “cozy winter quarters” at Valley Forge, Pennsylvania.
In 1888, artist and talented loon Vincent Van Gogh cut off the lower part of his left ear, to give to a prostitute named Rachel, who worked at a brothel nearby. Um, thanks, but does it come in, like, not bleeding?
In 1912 the Parisian literary review, Nouvelle Revue Francaise, rejects an excerpt from Remembrance of Things Past by Marcel Proust. Doh!
In 1915 Sir Douglas Haig is made the commander-in-chief of the British army in France, and eventually gives his soldiers the thoughtful and exploding gift of the Somme.
In 1972 Pepe Lopez is invited to join the Stella Maris rugby team, and gets a free trip to Chile on Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 over the Andes. He proves to be very tasty.
Another parcel of fools and dastards can be found at Alltop. Originally published December, 2008.
The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Winter Festival Edition)
Thag presents “Less darky!” (circa 11,564 BC) –> Only slide
- Shortest day in year
- Less darky after this
- More light good
- Pass mammoth rib please!
Catullus presents “Saturnalia ho!” (circa 69 BC) –> Slide 6
- gifts
- gambling
- tomfoolery (masters serve the slaves, nudge, nudge)
- public nudity
- the best of times!
Snagur Snarfasson presents “Yule be guessing” (circa 215 AD) –> Slide 3
Julebukking is the best:
- Disguise ourselves in masks and costumes
- Carry dead goat’s head in honor of Thor
- Visit neighbors
- Scare shit out of them ’till they give us mead.
Origen presents “Nativity schmativity” (circa 245 AD) –> Slide 1
- Christ is not like some pharaoh
- Only sinners celebrate birthdays
- Do you want to be a sinner?
King Richard II presents “Pig out with the Plantagentents!” (circa 1377 AD) –> slide 12
Christmas feast includes:
- 28 oxen
- 300 sheep
- 2000 chickens
- 1 Yule boar.
Thomas Nast presents “Fat Santa” (circa 1863) –> slide 3
- Harper’s wants a Santa Claus illustration
- Everyone else draws him like some emaciated string bean
- I’m going to make him a fat jolly bastard.