Thag presents “Less darky!” (circa 11,564 BC) –> Only slide

• Shortest day in year
• Less darky after this
• More light good
• Pass mammoth rib please!

Catullus presents “Saturnalia ho!” (circa 69 BC) –> Slide 6

• gifts
• gambling
• tomfoolery (masters serve the slaves, nudge, nudge)
• public nudity
• the best of times!

Snagur Snarfasson presents “Yule be guessing” (circa 215 AD) –> Slide 3

Julebukking is the best:

• Disguise ourselves in masks and costumes
• Carry dead goat’s head in honor of Thor
• Visit neighbors
• Scare shit out of them ’till they give us mead.

Origen presents “Nativity schmativity” (circa 245 AD) –> Slide 1

• Christ is not like some pharaoh
• Only sinners celebrate birthdays
• Do you want to be a sinner?

King Richard II presents “Pig out with the Plantagentents!” (circa 1377 AD) –> slide 12

Christmas feast includes:

• 28 oxen
• 300 sheep
• 2000 chickens
• 1 Yule boar.

Thomas Nast presents “Fat Santa” (circa 1863) –> slide 3

• Harper’s wants a Santa Claus illustration
• Everyone else draws him like some emaciated string bean
• I’m going to make him a fat jolly bastard.

Beautiful photo by Peter Bowers. He has nothing to do (that we know of) with humor-blogs.com or Alltop. Originally published December 2007.

Dr. Maximilian Tundra was heading home again for the holidays, dread clutching his heart like an iron fist. He’d managed to avoid Thanksgiving, but there was no escape from The Feast.

The Feast, as it was known amongst Clan Tundra, was a toxic stew of carbs, fats, and pharmaceuticals that had a tendency to drive the family bonkers.

Not that they weren’t certifiable to begin with.

Dr. Tundra’s sister, Eugenie, was a brilliant “installation” artist, who was nevertheless, seriously bi-polar. His younger twin brothers, Xavier and Xenophon, had never really recovered from their childhood “incident” — as the family called it — following a plane crash in the Andes. His Da, Dr. Halvard Hemming Tundra, seemed perfectly normal; of course, the Great Danger of attending the Feast was that Dr. H. H. Tundra didn’t attend, and that he sent his doppelganger, Mr. Angry McBucktooth in his stead. His Mum, Beatrice Pelagia Tundra (nee Sweeney) was in denial, but otherwise safe to be around.

And that was just the nuclear family. Getting the extended clan together required a number of court orders, insurance waivers and to be on the safe side, Da usually hired off-duty members of the SWAT to patrol the grounds.

Perhaps it was for that reason, or perhaps it was the family’s iconoclastic nature, but The Feast was never celebrated on Christmas. It always happened on the Solstice.

The darkest day of the year. Of course, it also marked the start of days getting brighter and brighter. The rebirth of the sun, his Da called it. But when it came to the holiday, his family and The Feast, Dr. Tundra was definitely a glass-is-half-empty kind of guy.

The policeman checked his ID, and waved him past the checkpoint, a set of gates loomed ahead, which would let him into the Tundra compound. A high fence, razor wire atop, surrounded the area. Guards and German shepherds patrolled the grounds, checking the fenceline for weak points.

It would do no good. It never did.

He parked, put on his flak jacket and entered the Tundra mansion. The smell of roasting turkey and peyote stuffing filled the house, and Dr. Tundra shuddered.

An outside observer would wonder if that was a shudder of anticipation, excitement, or perhaps the thrill of visceral familiarity that we get when we return to our childhood places.

But no, it was dread.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com freebase their turkey. The reasons why festive feasting can cause family fracases.. Thanks to ckirkman for the turkey pic. Originally published December 2005.

The best part of Christmas is all the blood. Or maybe it’s rotating knives. Wait! It’s the screams of agony as your captives are flayed alive. No, definitely the blood! Sorry, that’s Aztec Festival of Tlacaxipehualiztli we’re thinking of. Christmas is about buying things, right? Anyway, happy holidays all, and welcome to the seasonal edition of the Carnival of Satire:

First “Metrosexual,” Then “Man-Crush,” Now Simply “Homo”: Ahistoricality has found a gem with these Most e-mailed stories of the future on NYT.com (at Corn Chips And Pie). You may also be intrigued by the The Zionist-Conspiracy-O-Matic.

Coincidentally, Sammy Benoit at Yid with a Lid has a bit of seasonal poetry for us all: A Visit From Condolezza Rice.

While we’re thinking about old St. Nick, here’s what he does December 26th. You see, Christmas is not just about buying things. Not forgetting the Claus-man’s essential manliness, you may be interested in The Frogster’s ideas about enhancing male attributes.

And it wouldn’t be the holiday without ritually humiliating your pets. Thanks to Leslie’s Omnibus for finding this pic:

For more, check out Suzy’s Twelve Pets of Christmas contest.

We’re not sure what the hell is going on in this post, but it’s entertaining (and satire, we hope): lordsomber at the aptly-named The Pungeoning presents Clever Phrases, Realpolitik and the Spin of a Coin.

Chickens in the Road has news from Roane County: Downed Tree Causes Year’s Worst Pileup.

You know, a pen makes an excellent stocking stuffer, and this one sounds really good. Hat tip to Predator Press.

Madeleine Begun Kane has a few Political Laughs for us this week.

mark admits he is a frustrated, yet confident, author.

blue skelton has an even more damning admission: I’m in Love with Ann Coulter.

Spoiler alert: Adam Burkett has a review of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

Jesse Ruder presents Emo Island.

Up until now, Weird Al never appeared in the Carnival of Satire. Steve Oliphant has blown that record with his collection of Music Videos from the 80’s.

And that’s it for the seasonal edition! If you have some satire to share, please consider submitting next time. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, and at the Blog Carnival too. Thanks to Peter Forret for his “evil” Santa pic and to humor-blogs.com for the daily gift of laughter.