Professor Quippy: Blame the bust on testosterone

professor quippyForget the subprime mortgages crisis, every market disaster can be blamed on bad chemicals.

Bad man-chemicals to be specific. New research from the University of Cambridge shows that the economy is ravaged by the whim of the testosterone flowing through traders’ veins.

“The popular view is that experienced traders can control their emotions,” on of the lead researchers, John Coates says, “but in fact their endocrine systems are on fire.”

The scientists discovered that as traders made more money, their testosterone levels rose. So, lots of testosterone equals making lots of money, and it’s good for the economy, right?

Uh, unfortunately, as the honcho-hormones run rampant, this leads to overly aggressive (and bad) decisions. Thence the crash, and this causes elevated levels of cortisol, which causes “shrinkage of the prefrontal cortex and hippocampus, brain regions associated with decision making and factual memory,” the researchers say.

So this is the process:
a) testosterone leads to making money
b) making money generates more testosterone
c) too much testosterone causes bad decision making
d) this causes a crash, and then the brain shrinks, leading to
f) learned helplessness, fear, loathing, rivers of fire and a meltdown of the markets.

So I guess it’s time to let women on the trading floor, eh?

More on this story at the New Scientist. Some of this group are suspected of irrational exuberance.

Ask General Kang: Should we boycott the 2008 Olympics?

Ask General KangAbsolutely not!

Do you realize how hard some of the athletes competing in this summer’s games have had to work to get to the Olympics? Some of them get up at 5 am to train. Every morning! Are you going to be the killjoy who’s going to tell them they can’t go to Beijing just because some totalitarian government has been oppressing its citizens, or committing cultural genocide or torturing babies?

I mean, all your crap is made in China, right? Have you stopped buying stuff from them to register your displeasure with China’s human rights record? Besides, it would just make it worse for the Chinese people.

When I was an Interstellar Overlord we had this once-a-decade celebration of simian athletic prowess we called the “Ape Races”, which was similar to your Olympics. Do you know what I did when Planet Backscratch boycotted my Ape Games to protest our treatment of the Numnum Cult? (They were a misguided bunch of bonobos on Sebaceous III who believed all apes should live in harmony, share their resources and mates, and which promoted frequent public grooming sessions.)

I sterilized the surface of Sebaceous III with plasma weapons. (It took weeks for the grease fires to stop.)

Screw you Planet Backscratch!

Plus Neecknaw won all the sports worth mentioning — the Tree-Swinging Relay, the Who-Can-Not-Drown Regatta, and of course, the Great Fling. (Our team’s ability to propel fecal matter through the air is now legendary.)

Ew. What if we just boycotted the Opening Ceremonies?

I suppose. It would make some kind of point, and still allow everyone to enjoy the Games. Just don’t mess with the Sponsors. Otherwise, they might boycott the Winter Games in Vancouver. You don’t want that now, do you?

Next time: Something funny is going on in my trousers. Is it some kind of dimensional breach, or should I consult a physician?

Carnival of Satire (#98)

The carnival of satire (#98)This week we mark the passing of a great actor and showman. From the homo-erotic undertones of Ben Hur to the coolest, most ass-kicking post-apocalyptic dudes (Planet of the Apes, The Omega Man, Soylent Green), Charlton Heston’s delicious sense of irony will be missed. Speaking of Soylent Green, you should consider entering The Skwib’s “Vintage Ads of Fictional Futures” contest. There are prizes and everything.

Marvel as Rickey Tells You How To Blog!

These Commandments should be disobeyed only if you want your blog to get the “die by the word” treatment of Mr. Heston’s scenery-chewing, prop-gnawing, tablet-chucking Moses.

YouTube Preview Image

To quote Mr. Snitch: “Now would be as good a time as any.”

Switching to politics — yes, that was irony — Rant Man relays a letter in: Job Application Denied .

On a related note, Madeleine Begun Kane has An Ode To Lefty Bloggers Who Hate Hillary Clinton.

Not that any of this debate is going away soon. R. Pettinger explains the economics of why American Voters (may) Prefer Shorter Elections (but will never get them).

Citing concerns over increased pressure from electronic traffic signals, Street Signs Unionize. Robotic reportage from eewestcoaster.

Libertarian Mike Billy has gone over to the dark side. He Wants Indentured Servants.

What about the poor benighted tax software? It’s a kind of indentured servant, but according to Mad Kane, it’s also a bit cheeky.

And on the topic of cheeky, how about this Kijiji ad for snow-shoveling services?

Roy Wilding presents Part I: “My Icons Have Fallen Off My Desktop, What do I do?”.

Jeremy Zongker presents a cartoon that answers the question: What if Everyone Practiced Universal Default?.

Mully presents Suburban unworking class hero expounds on food.

And in the not-exactly satire category, Charles H. Green has a prose Ode to Distrust. To be fair, this may actually be satire, but we’re so cynical, we think his salute to distrust is actually good avice.

And that’s it for this larger-than life edition! If you have some satire to share, please consider submitting next time. What is satire? Someone wrote something about it once, we think. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here if you dig around a bit.

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Contest: Vintage Ads of Fictional Futures

Stamps from The Postman

We’re running a contest. The idea is to find a vintage ads (the one pictured above is from an 1975 USPS stamp ad), and then insert a product (or service) from a fictional future (or past) — it can be from a book, movie, TV, etc. The only proviso is that it has to have been written by someone else, so none of your own bizarre fictional futures. It doesn’t have to be as grim (or unlikely) as THE POSTMAN, by the way. If you’re more of an optimistic Star Trek kind of person, then I’m happy to see Oil of Olay ads featuring Warf, or ear-hair trimming systems endorsed by Quark. Or you may be interested in zombies.

Original image. More info about The Postman [wiki]

The Rules:

  1. create your masterpiece
  2. post it to your blog
  3. link to this post (or let me know where it is via email)
  4. wait for the aplomb and/or ridicule of your peers.

What, pray tell is the prize? Well, if you win, you can choose from:

  • a prominent walk-on role in my next novel
  • a copy of THE AMADEUS NET
  • a “mystery” item from within the bowels of my desk.

The second-place winner will choose from the remaining prizes, and the bronze winner gets whatever is left. Worth playing for? The contest will run until (Sunday, April 20).

For more information, you can check out the original contest here. I fully expect most of the wackaloons at humor-blogs.com to enjoy this one, especially the zombiephiles. Note this is not a meme. There are prizes; that makes this a contest, so I don’t want any sword-wielding, hobbit-torturing, cubicle ghosts coming after me.

Vintage ads of fictional futures: a contest

'The Road' Baby FoodI spotted a Photoshop contest that looked like fun, so I thought I’d have a go at it (with a Skwibbish twist, of course.) You can see the results to the right. (Original ad here. Synopsis of THE ROAD here. [wiki]

In the original contest, the idea was to take modern products and display them in a vintage advertising light. (You could reverse that too, but boring.) So, find some vintage ads, and then insert a product from a fictional future — it can be from a book, movie, TV, etc. The only proviso is that it has to have been written by someone else, so none of your own bizarre fictional futures. It doesn’t have to be as grim as THE ROAD, by the way. If you’re more of an optimistic Star Trek kind of person, then I’m happy to see Oil of Olay ads featuring Warf, or ear-hair trimming systems endorsed by Quark.

The Rules:

  1. create your masterpiece
  2. post it to your blog
  3. link to this post (or let me know where it is via email)
  4. wait for the aplomb and/or ridicule of your peers.

What, pray tell is the prize? Well, if you win, you can choose from:

  • a prominent walk-on role in my next novel
  • a copy of THE AMADEUS NET
  • a “mystery” item from within the bowels of my desk.

The second-place winner will choose from the remaining prizes, and the bronze winner gets whatever is left. Worth playing for? The contest will run until (Sunday, April 20).

For more information, you can check out the original contest here. I’ll post a few more ads like THE ROAD baby food in the next week. I fully expect most of the wackaloons at humor-blogs.com to enjoy this one, but just to be sure, I’m going to tag a number of them, just to get the word out. Note this is not a meme. There are prizes, so that makes it a contest, so I don’t want any sword-wielding, hobbit-torturing, cubicle ghosts coming after me. Let the tagging begin, in no particular order: Bagel, Chelle, The Frogster, Brent, Rickey, Diesel, Don, Lobo, Quelqoth, Ellison, Rachel, Jon, Hurty, Alenja, Fiar, Bob, Mr. Snitch!. Finally, thanks to exnovo for the original baby food ad.