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Storyblogging Carnival LXIII

By on February 6, 2007 in Skwibby fiction

Welcome to the Storyblogging Carnival, held at The Skwib this week, but its home is at Back of the Envelope. Well, no theme presented itself this edition, but we do have three short (short) tales for your enjoyment.

Jim “Suldog” Sullivan has a charming short story about his grandfathers Jewish roots, called: Solomon The Milkman. It’s about 400 words long.

Andrew Ian Dodge presents the somewhat less elevated: A tale of fecal matter? 100 words of pure

And Jeremiah Lewis has the 50 word Femme Fatale.

Fiction Fridays: Hounding Manny

By on February 2, 2007 in Skwibby fiction

Hounding Manny

By Mark A. Rayner

I’m up way past my bedtime, but it’s no fun. Since Dad and I got to the moon, I haven’t been sleeping so much. I keep having the same dream. The one where Mom gets all eaten by the nanites, Dad’s experimental bugs that everyone likes but me.

And then there are the other bad dreams that really aren’t dreams at all. In one the mean kids – the Trongs – all chase me and beat me up, and then I kind of shift back to the really bad dream, where the bugs are eating me. When I finally get to sleep, that’s usually when I hear Dad yelling out, and he wakes me up, and I lie there in the dark, listening to the sounds of the air pumps, the hum of machines, and I just have this terrible feeling inside that the morning is going to come, and then I’ll have to go to school, until finally, my eyelids feel so heavy.

The lights come on slowly, like a winter dawn back in Metoronto. I hear Dad up, and making breakfast, and I get up, because he hates it when he has to make me get ready for school.

I hate Luna One. It was supposed to be fun, but I hate it. And I can’t get Dad to understand. “Isn’t it time for school?” he asks me, as he tries to get his bloodshot eyes to read the morning newsplass. He doesn’t notice that I’m not wearing my special suit. I hate that too.

Read the rest of this story…>

The Carnival of Satire (#64)

By on February 1, 2007 in Carnival of Satire

The Carnival of SatireWelcome to the carnival. There are so many posts this week, we’ll just get right to it. We hope you enjoy!

Ahistoricality has a pair of +2 Boots of Satire that led to finding: Scholars & Students: A Compendium of Professorial Magic and this new take on Snow White: The anti-princess.

Chris Dolley has a new (and adorable) Nigerian email scam: I am Fluffy.

Montag presents The Case Against Iran. Warning: post may contain some Jar Jar Binks.

Drew Cline has sad news with America’s homeless mourn Barbaro.

The Scratching Post picks up a news item that we missed from the State of the Union address: Bauxite Independence!

Will Chen has notes on Bruce Campbell: “A” Level Advice From a B Movie Actor.

Continue Reading →

Professor Quippy: Scientific Astrology Blues

By on January 31, 2007 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyAs it turns out, the time of the year you were born in does have a major impact on your life. A number of studies show that when you were born affects your personality, your health, and will indicate your chance of developing a serious mental illness.

So, if you’re feeling a little schizo, then you are much more likely to be born in February, March or April. If you’re a man, and you enjoy your beer a bit too much, then the odds are higher you were born between September and November. (Also known as the “Alky Zone.”) Female and tending to anorexia? The research shows your birthday is more likely to fall in April-June.

According to this chart from the New Scientist, it looks like the only time that is safe for a birthday is August or January.

This is all making me feel like it’s time for a beer, and no, I wasn’t born the Alky Zone.

Ask General Kang: I’d like to protect my kids, so is there some kind of hermitically sealed biosphere that you could recommend?

By on January 30, 2007 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangDefinitely. I’d go with a product invented on my native planet, Neecknaw, during the Cranial Trauma Scare at the turn of the last century.

It’s called Dr. Ooo-ook’s Multi-Phasic Baby-to-Big Boy (or Girl) Environmental Protective Suit.

Dr. Ooo-ook was an orangutan; he was an indifferent (and orange) pediatrician, but a brilliant marketer. You have to understand that at the turn of the century on Neecknaw, the media was becoming much more pervasive and so we heard about every bad thing that happened — particularly to children, because it’s always news if something bad happens to children. Parental fear ran rampant.

Well, Dr. Ooo-ook knew an opportunity when he saw it, and invented his Multi-Phasic Baby-to-Big Boy Environmental Protective Suit (or Ook-Suit as they were known to the hoi-polloi). And even if it was largely a marketing ploy, the suit was well-made and lived up to its promise of “complete lifetime protection of your child from physical harm and interference from infancy until they finish college.”

Unfortunately, the suit did not protect the kids from the merciless teasing they got from the other children. Not that they remained traumatized for too long. As soon as most of the kids were old enough to get court orders letting them out of the Ook-Suits, they tended not to survive very long. (As it turns out, their immune systems were so weak, their bodies were unable to handle the myriad of infections that their Ook-Suits had kept at bay for their short, pathetic lives.)

Next time: One of my co-workers is up for the same promotion I’m hoping to get. Do you think I should “go negative” in my campaign early?

Grandfig: A Portrait of Chauncey Migswith-Piggerton

By on January 29, 2007 in Toulouse Le Grandfig

Chauncey Migswith-PiggertonOccupation: Professor, Arse-Elbow Differentiation, UBS

Marital Status: Married to the unfortunate Alison Migswith-Piggerton.

Offspring: Daughter, Jenny, 24. And the loathsome Peter, son, 27.

Hobbies: Angling, rat keeping, and touching “things.”

Nationality: English, though he claims to have a little Irish in him. Giggles insanely every time he says so.

From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Collection.