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It’s alive!

By on September 27, 2006 in General Skwib

Yes, the Carnival of the Vanities is still going, but with a new MO.

The 210th edition is the first of what we hope are many hosted and edited by Kehaar at Siflay Hraka.

We know that the idea of having an editor is anathema to the anarchic free-for-all model of the blogosphere, but we think it is useful. An editor can provide a little focus, keep things moving in the right direction, and dare we say, add a little quality control. Carnivals are supposed to be about the best posts (except the now sadly defunct Bonfire of the Vanities), not the post (some) indiscriminate bloggers want people to read.

We wish Kehaar luck — it’s a tough job, as we have learned from presenting the Carnival of Satire for a year. (Really, it has been a year, even though we’re only coming up to edition #48.)

Professor Quippy: High Turbulence Shaving

By on September 27, 2006 in Odd Science

Professor Quippy: High Turbulence ShavingPerhaps the French doctors and space researchers planning an experimental zero-gravity surgery have never seen that classic 1980 movie AIRPLANE!

You know the scene I mean, where the businessman decides to nip into the bathroom for a quick shave before landing — high turbulence and a near crash-landing result in more nicks and cuts than a gladiatorial match. And then he tries to slap on some aftershave. Macaulay Culkin had nothin’ on that scream.

So, we are naturally concerned for the patient, Philippe Sanchot, who is having a cyst from his arm removed. According to reports, he was chosen because he is an avid bungee-jumper, and accustomed to dramatic gravitational shifts.

Right. The zero-gravity will only be partial, as the surgical theatre is on a modified Airbus A300 designed to perform great big arcs and dives that simulate weightlessness.

Uh huh. Well at least the surgeons will be strapped to the walls of the cabin with Velcro so they don’t slip in the blood.

More gory details of bungee-surgery here

The Devil’s Dictionary: The Skwib Updates: O

By on September 25, 2006 in The Devil’s Updates

O

The Devil's UpdatesOBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words.
A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter
an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a
good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good
enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer’s attitude toward
“obsolete” words is as true a measure of his literary ability as
anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete
and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and
sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the
vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a
competent reader.

The Skwib Update:

OBSOLETE, adj. Something your electronic equipment becomes the moment you purchase it.

Alas, the pirates have left port

By on September 25, 2006 in General Skwib

Well, that was fun, but our hands are cramping up from typing “arrrrr”. To seque into something a little less bloodthirsty, how about a quick look at a couple of carnivals.

The Storyblogging Carnival at Back of the Envelope. This LIVe edition features six stories, including one in which we learn how a tortoise sees cats.

The Best of Me Symphony is available at The Owner’s Manual.

The Carnival of the Insanities is chock full of interesting delusions.

This is not a carnival, but a high-tech, Semiconductor Training client of SearchProf.

Leader of the Noodly Norsemen Charged with Hate Crime

By on September 22, 2006 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

The symbol of the Noodly NorsemenLondon, Ontario (The Skwib) — A Canadian religious leader was charged with a hate crime after suggesting the Pope and all other clerics in the Catholic Church were child molesters.

Dr. Maximilian Tundra, the self-proclaimed Prophet of the Viking Pasta (or the First Church of the Noodly Norsemen), made the allegations in a speech given to a large gathering in the parking lot of the Brewer’s Retail at the corner of Adelaide and Lorne Streets.

The audience only had six members of the obscure religion in attendance. The rest of the crowd was comprised of passers-by who had stopped to see why a rotund man wearing chain mail and a helmet with large horns was standing on a makeshift podium, shouting at them, and blocking the entrance to the beer store.

“This Dude was out there, man,” Terry T. Fore told The Skwib. “I mean, he was going on and on about how the Flying Spaghetti Monster loved Vikings more than Pirates, and shit. Then he started raggin’ on the Pope. And I just wanted some freakin’ Blue!”

In a lengthy diatribe, Dr. Tundra explained the falseness of other religions — in particular the Catholic Church — by quoting such notable 12th century Norse kings as Olaf the Bonecrusher and Norri Priestflayer. In one particularly colorful passage, Dr. Tundra said: “And so it was that Olaf the Bonecrusher spoke thus: all priests of this new religion of the three-part christ love two things only: their strange, weakling god, and the bums of our young.”

The crowd began to get agitated when he refused to allow anyone into the store; he then quoted Norri Priestflayer: “the skin of these Christian priests makes excellent shield-coverings.” At this, Dr. Tundra quipped: “gives a whole new meaning to fine Corinthian leather, doesn’t it?”

Police arrived and removed Dr. Tundra from the scene, for his own safety. He was later charged under Section 319 of the criminal code for inciting violence against an identifiable religious group.

Dr. Tundra told The Skwib: “Hey, I was just quoting Priestflayer. It’s not like that’s my position.”

“I think they would make good upholstery,” Dr. Tundra said.

Previous Pasta-riffic Episodes:
An Interview with Dr. Tundra | Original Reutars Story | Dr. Tundra Forsakes the FSM | Dr. Tundra Hits His Peak | Pirates, Vikings and The Lost Boys

The Carnival of Satire (#47)

By on September 21, 2006 in Carnival of Satire

The Carnival of Satire (#47)Ahoy mateys, and welcome to yer Carnival of Satire, the pirate edition. We be stretching Talk Like a Pirate Day into a whole week, and begad, we may just make it a month.

Timothy Burke’s blog be called Easily Distracted, but only a focused bucko could imagine the brilliant Secret of My Success.

When it comes to poetry, we pirates like it doggerel style, and Madeleine Begun Kane has an Ode To The Segway Scooter that tickled our fancy, just fine, thankee.

Avast ye scurvy dogs! This fine piece of writing by Elizabeth at Creatures of the Earth was beyond our ken, but then, we’re barely literate pirates! The rest of you will no doubt enjoy, Google mon amour.

Tommy at The Kag Report brings a grand invention to light —BeerAlert: For Your Emergency Beer Needs— now, we be wonderin’ do they plan GrogAlert next? Continue Reading →