Ye Old Skwib

G

GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.

The Skwib Update:

GRAMMAR, n. That what we be learning language by and also, writing. According to Post-Modern theory, totally pliable.

F

FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint’s infinite multitude of methods. A political condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either.

Freedom, as every schoolboy knows,
Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell;
On every wind, indeed, that blows
I hear her yell.

She screams whenever monarchs meet,
And parliaments as well,
To bind the chains about her feet
And toll her knell.

And when the sovereign people cast
The votes they cannot spell,
Upon the pestilential blast
Her clamors swell.

For all to whom the power’s given
To sway or to compel,
Among themselves apportion Heaven
And give her Hell.
Blary O’Gary

The Skwib Update:

FREEDOM, n. A state you enter when you take the red pill.

F

FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees and vacant lots in London — “Rubbish may be shot here.”

The Skwib Update:

FLAG, n. A national symbol that can be flown, draped, hung and burned — usually, in inverse order to the liberty of the people living in said nation.

E

EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.

A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free —
The subject engaging them was she.
“I think,” said one, “and my husband thinks
That she’s a prying, inquisitive minx!”
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
“I will not stay,” she said, with a pout,
“To hear my character lied about!”
–Gopete Sherany

The Skwib Update:

EAVESDROP, v.i. Patriotic activity sanctioned by the government.

D

DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.

The Skwib Update:

DISCRIMINATE, v.i. An act of bigotry.