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The Lost Power Point Slides (Yanksgiving History Edition)

By on November 23, 2005 in Parody & Satire, The Lost PowerPoints

photo of a turkeyChief Massasoit presents items NOT supplied for the first Thanksgiving, circa 1621 (only slide)

  • deep-fried turkey
  • cranberry sauce
  • potatoes, white or sweet
  • pie of any kind.

Pilgrim chef suggests the following harvest feast, circa 1621 (second slide)

  • wild fowl
  • lobsters, mussels
  • “sallet herbs” (whatever they are)
  • black and red plums
  • flint corn
  • venison (thanks to Chief Massasoit and Wampanoag tribe for providing).

Sarah Josepha Hale, editor Godey’s Lady’s Book, presents: Let’s invent a holiday, circa 1854 (slide 3)

  • roast turkey
  • savory stuffing
  • pumpkin pie
  • Indians? What Indians?

Abraham Lincoln proclaims Thanksgiving an annual holiday in 1863 (fifth slide)

  • in the midst of a civil war of unequalled magnitude and severity
  • still, should set apart and observe the last Thursday of November, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens
  • family bickering a part of the holiday — be happy with bickering compared to civil war.

President Franklin D. Roosevelt declares that Thanksgiving would be the next to last Thursday of November, 1939 (second slide)

  • depression sucks
  • can’t advertise Christmas until after Turkey Day
  • this gives merchants a longer period to sell goods before Christmas.

In 1941 Congress decides the last Thursday of November as Thanksgiving (only slide)

  • ‘Franksgiving’ not celebrated by every state
  • Split difference — sometimes Abe’s day, sometimes Franky-boy’s.

Arlo Guthrie presents Alice’s Restaurant Massacre in 1967 (only slide)

  • two Thanksgivings ago helped Alice (great dinner)
  • dumped garbage illegally (dump closed for T-day)
  • got ticket, convicted (had to pick up garbage)
  • no fit serve in Vietnam (and kill a bunch of people) because I was a litterbug.

Happy (a day early) to everyone in the States! Looking for more Turkey Day Lost PowerPoints? You can check out my own personal thanksgiving slides here. (From the authentic, Canadian verison of the holiday.)

Inspired by:
The First Thanksgiving | Alice’s Restaurant | Original photo by Frayed

Beijing Olympic Mascots: Organ Relay

By on November 22, 2005 in General Skwib, Parody & Satire

Beijing -- organ transplant relayHere’s another new demonstration sport that will be featured in the 2008 Olympics — the Organ Relay.

As you probably know, China is a great source of organs for those with the need of fresh new hearts, lungs, kidneys, livers and so on. (Of course, you also have to have lots of hard currency and a surgeon willing to set up the operation for you — kind of like a medical travel agent.)

Time is a major factor in getting the organ from the executed political prisoner to the waiting recipient — the faster the better. To increase speed, the Chinese have developed crack teams of organ relay specialists. They are fast, agile, and amazing at handing off fresh organs without dropping or damaging them. Other countries to watch in this event: Japan, India, and Brazil.

More demonstration sports with the Beijing Olympic Mascots:
Tibetan Dissident Biathlon | Organ Relay | Hu Flung Falongong | Forced Sterilization Footy | Press Clubbing | 50-Meter Land Requisition Event

‘Inspired’ by:
Sale of Human Organs in China

Update: More demonstration sports can be found a View From a Height, and there will be more at The Skwib too.

Scots, Norwegians to face off in Delicacy World Cup

By on November 21, 2005 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Sheep's head, pre-smokingTWATT, Shetland Islands (The Skwib) — Strong entries from both Scotland and Norway have led to a major upset here at the Delicacy World Cup.

Normally dominated by the French and Japanese teams, this year has proved a surprising one says Delicacy World Cup expert, Jean-Pierre Le Muscouse: “Both ze Norwegians and ze Scots have rare delicacies this year that have provéd a shallange for ze refinéd palates of the French team.”

And while the Japanese had no trouble getting past the Scottish entry — raw sea urchin gonads — they could not bear the smoked sheep’s head — smalahove in Norwegian — which is the very strong entry from Norway.

And not surprisingly, the famous French team was able to cope with eating sheep’s head (including the eyeballs), without batting an eye, so to speak, but the Scottish delicacy proved too raw and salty even for them.

This leaves the Scots and the Norwegians facing off in the final.

In this last round, each team must present only one diner. The one to eat the most of the delicacy provided by the opposite team wins. Eating for the Scottish team is Angus Mac Orpulent, a 326-lb glutton from Inverness, famous for nearly dying in the close-run 1996 World Cup, after he consumed an entire barrel of pickled Japanese sea cucumbers.

The Norwegians have another strategy entirely, as they have put their crack bulimic, Inga Vomgäar, on the raw sea urchin gonads challenge. (Purging is allowed in the final round.)

“Excitement is running very high, ‘ere in Twatt,” says Le Muscouse, “zis final is one for ze ages.”

‘Inspired’ by:
Sea urchin gonads — food? | Norway feasts on sheep’s head | Sheep by Duchamp