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The Lost Power Point Slides (William Wallace Edition)

By on September 10, 2005 in The Lost PowerPoints

image of William Wallace at Stirling BridgeWilliam Wallace Presents the Battle of Stirling Bridge (Slide Five)

  • We smell like crap
  • We can’t read
  • We’re covered in woad
  • Time to kick some ass!

William Wallace Presents the Battle of Stirling Bridge (Slide Six)

  • What’s in it for you?
  • Freedom from English tyranny. (Not Scottish.)
  • For me? I don’t know, perhaps I’ll get knighted or something.

Sir William Wallace Explores Concept of Defeat at Falkirk (Slide 3)

  • Form in schiltrons – yah, like a hedgehog
  • English can’t break through those!

Trial of Wallace in London (Slide 1)

  • Can’t be tried for treason
  • Never subject of Edward
  • Didn’t knock up your future Queen either.

Inspired by:
Battle of Stirling Bridge (Sep. 11, 1297)

Bock in the Frock

By on September 9, 2005 in But is it art?, General Skwib

image of beer mug in dressDeiter had always admired the homoerotic irony of Oktoberfest: drunken Bavarians wearing leather pants, hugging one another, singing lustily. It was amazing.

It was hard not to be astounded by a land that gave birth to Nazism, Werner Heisenberg and this yearly Saturnalia.

But now, the annual festival of bock swilling and good cheer had discovered a new level of decadence. Instead of traditional lederhosen (leather pants), all the revelers in the know were planning to wear frocks (skirts, kilts).

Deiter read with interest the stated goal of the new clothing line, designed by Doreen Anders and Robert Landinger: “With all that beer flowing at the fest you need to make sure your belly is free to take it in.”

Personally, Deiter preferred the dirndl-wearing barmaids of Oktoberfest, and good pilsner, but to each, their own.

Inspired by:
Oktoberfest Frock

Damn you Ruth Smythers!

By on September 9, 2005 in But is it art?, General Skwib

Prior to 1894, the marriage bed was a steamy, lusty adventure, filled with orgiastic pleasured denied to those poor fools who elected to stay unmarried.

Then came Ruth Smythers, beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers, and author of the tract: INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE on the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God (published by Spiritual Guidance Press).

In this screed against the pleasures of the marriage bed, she offered the following advice, which has been so successful as to ruin the institution of marriage:

GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY

But who was this harridan? Why did she so detest the sexual manifestation of love, which in some cultures is considered a sacrament?

Text from her own writing reveals the truth:

While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.

Yep, she was an ice queen.

And fictitious. Enjoy.

Mini-Skwibs (Drunken Monkey Viking Edition)

By on September 8, 2005 in General Skwib, Monkeys!, Odd Science

Image of chimp in viking helmetImpaired Doctors
Dr. Tundra had been on call for 89 hours straight, and he was still going strong. It was great. He was on fire. Was his judgment impaired by the lack of sleep?

Of course it was, but he was more competent with no sleep than most people who had a full night’s rest!

Now the thimble full of mescaline he’d had earlier, THAT was a problem. So were all the strobing lights and angry monkeys hanging out in the Emerg waiting room in Viking gear.


Belfast goes Bonzo
Kevin the sulky colobus had nothing on Phoebe. She was a chimp of impeccable standards. She had opposable thumbs, and the brains to know what to do with them.

What she didn’t have (luckily) were firearms, or the Belfast police might have been in trouble.


Viking In-Laws

Sven Estridsen would have preferred to end his tenure on Earth the old fashioned way, floating out to sea on a flaming longship, his slaves and a particularly fetching wench going with, to serve him in the afterlife.

Instead, he was buried in a cathedral with his mom. No, his daughter-in-law. That sounded a little better, but they still sat him at the kiddie’s table in Valhalla.

Epidemiologists Searching for Deadly “Noodle Vector”

By on September 7, 2005 in Odd Science, Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Image of deadly noodle vectorPORTLAND (Oregon) & LONDON (Ontario) — A team of epidemiologists from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and crack bureaucrats from Health Canada have been sent to Oregon and a sleepy university town in Southwestern Ontario to find the source of a scourge sweeping through North America.

“We think that if we can locate the original infection and discover the source of the so-called Norse strain of it as well, we will be able to synthesize a vaccination to slow the spread of the disease,” Dr. Franklin Stein, who is in charge of the team, told The Skwib.

There have been outbreaks of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (FSMS), also known as Pastafarianism, throughout North America. The disease manifests itself at first by creating a craving for pasta in the tummy region; it then moves to the brain, where it lodges and produces belief systems that rely on a supernatural god-like creature called the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

In the final stages of the disease, those afflicted dress up as pirates, and start raving incoherently, shouting, “avast me hearties!” and so on.

In the other type FSMS — which has emerged in Canada, the so-called “Norse” strain — victims clothe themselves as they imagine Vikings did, and are even less coherent. Usually, there is some eye-rolling and bloodthirsty screaming, which sounds a lot like: “arrrrgggh!”

“It is really a devastating disease,” Stein says. “We have to control its spread before it moves offshore and gets its noodly appendages in other populations that may have even less immunity to it.”

Stein would not specify what regions those may be.

When asked if the CDC routinely tries to quash emerging religions, Stein refused comment. The team later issued a statement, saying that FSMS was in no way a religion, and was a disease.

“How do we know it’s a disease? Because we’re scientists. That’s how.”

Inspired by:
Searching for the fat vector