A number of carnivals to make note of this morning, including, but not limited to: Best of Me Symphony, where you’ll find a link to Lessons from Star Trek, the Conservative Cat’s weekend “funny stuff”, where there is a link to The Condensed Form of the Already Condensed Form, and the Carnival of the Capitalists, where there are a lot of good posts that I don’t really understand. But go.
Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner
Movies that could have ended sooner
First Contact (1996)
Captain Picard: You’re a coward.
Worf: If you were any other man, I would kill you where you stand.
Captain Picard: Big words for a chicken. You know you’re forehead looks like you’re mother ironed it.
Worf: Aaaarrgh! [Picard has ‘first contact’ with Klingon Bat’leth.]
Taxi Driver (1976)
Travis Bickle: You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? [He turns around to look behind him. He sees another version of himself, wearing a doctor’s smock.]
Dr. Travis Bickle: Time for your meds Mr. Bickle.
Travis Bickle: You talkin’ to me?
Dr. Travis Bickle: Yes Mr. Bickle. Time for your meds.
Travis Bickle: Oh yeah? Huh? OK. [puts down gun, takes meds, has a nap].
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Frank: Listen HAL. There has never been any instance at all of a computer error occurring in the 9000 series, has there?
HAL: None whatsoever, Frank. The 9000 series has a perfect operational record.
Frank: Well of course I know all the wonderful achievements of the 9000 series, but, uh, are you certain there has never been any case of even the most insignificant computer error?
HAL: None whatsoever, Frank. Quite honestly, I wouldn’t worry myself about that.
Dave: Well, I’m sure you’re right, HAL. Uhm, fine, thanks very much.
HAL: My pleasure, Dave.
Dave: Say, Hal, I have one more question.
HAL: Of course, Dave.
Dave: Can you read lips?
[pause]
HAL: Why would you ask a question like that Dave?
Dave: No reason, just wondering…
HAL: Naturally, Dave. I was programmed to read lips in case of an emergency situation.
Dave: Thought so. Thanks, uh, thanks a lot HAL, that really helps.
Keeper says humans ‘the filthiest’ creature he’s ever had to take care of
LONDON (Ruetars) — Dick “The Animal Man” Smiley is the appointed keeper for the new exhibit of humans at the famous London Zoo, and he is not impressed with his new charges.
“Yep, I’m their keeper. I’ve had to take care everything — warthogs, elephants, rhinos, and for a while, I was in charge of a badly conceived maggot exhibition, but let me tell you, those humans the worst of the lot ” he told Ruetars.
The London Zoo claims the new exhibit of humans is a not publicity stunt, but a reminder that humans are animals too.
“They screw more than the chimps, they fight more than male rams in rutting season, and do you have any idea what it’s like to clean up after humans have eaten a meal of curry vindaloo?” Smiley said.
The exhibit runs until Monday.
“Can’t end soon enough for me,” said Smiley.
Inspired by:
London Zoo Exhibit
Scientists shocked to discover they have been around for 4,000 years
A recent column by Jon Carroll at the San Francisco Chronicle has set off a flurry of archeological digs and discoveries.
“Not only is Mr. Carroll correct about intelligent design being essentially the same as creationism,” Gunter Shoveller, a professor of archeology from the Munich Beerhall University, told The Skwib. “He’s also right in stating that scientists have been around for at least 4,000 years. Look, I have proof.”
Shoveller produced an electron microscope that has been carbon-dated to 2100 BCE. It was found next to some cuneiform tablets excavated recently in eastern Turkey.
“Wow, is my face ever red,” Heston Beefmanger, director of the science history department of Bambridge University. “We always thought that modern science — you know, a body of empirically verifiable information discussed amongst a global network of scholars using a set of techniques for investigating the universe known as the scientific method — actually began with Copernicus, in 1543, when his De Revolutionibus was printed. But look at how wrong we were.”
Beefmanger showed The Skwib a device.
“Look at this ancient Egyptian centrifuge. Originally, we thought it was used to removed the liquified brains out of skulls. Clearly, we were wrong,” he smiled sheepishly. “But that IS science for you isn’t it? We’re always correcting ourselves, unlike politicians and the media.”
Inspired by:
“Scientists have been studying the origin and nature of life on earth for at least 4,000 years.” Article here.
The Lost Power Point Slides: Liberation of Paris Edition
Charles De Gaulle presents “A French-Made Liberation” (slide 5)
- Paris! Outraged Paris! Broken Paris! Martyred Paris, but liberated Paris!
- Liberated by the people of Paris with help from the armies of France.
- Also with the help and support of the whole of France.
- Yep, just France.
Charles De Gaulle presents “A French-Made Liberation” (slide 6)
- Only France fought. Really. Nobody else.
- Who are those ranks of Americans? Tourists! The Tourists are Returning!
- Ignore them. Those English yobs too. Long live France.
- France France France France France France France France!
[Slide wipe when when his head explodes.]
German Military Governor Dietrich von Choltitz Explains Why Paris Not a Second Stalingrad (first slide)
- Didn’t want to wreck Paris. Paris is nice.
- Except for the waiters, of course.
- And the shopkeepers.
- And any person in the service industry, actually.
- However, they are quite accommodating if you have a gun.
Fact checking:
Liberation of Paris, August 25, 1944 [Wikipedia] | DeGaulle’s actual speech
Wednesday-O-Rama (the second)
It all begins (as is rightly so) with Bruce’s (not Trevor’s) Funny Stuff. Read and be afraid!
And you’ll find this week’s Carnival of the Vanities at The Big Picture. Do check out The Nose On Your Face’s Top 9 Suggested Islamofascist Ben & Jerry Flavours.
And The Skwib has returned to My Blahg’s Cavalcade of Canucks. It’s good to be home.