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Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

Bring back Tobin, protestors demand

By on July 26, 2005 in General Skwib, Parody & Satire

More than .0001 percent of Canada's inukshuks are on Hans IslandOTTAWA — A small group from Canada’s influential inukshuk industry is staging a sit-in on Parliament Hill, demanding that Prime Minister Paul Martin bring Brian Tobin back to cabinet.

“He’s the only one who can save Hans Island!” their spokesperson, Carla Flintstone shouted.

Hans Island is at the center of a diplomatic dispute between Canada and Denmark. Both countries claim the barren, desolate, frigid, uninhabited rock in the high arctic.

Last week, Defence Minister Bill Graham was dispatched to Hans Island to land on the island and eat a ham sandwich to establish Canada’s sovereignty over the island.

Not to be outdone, the Danish Minister of Nudity Arvid Funkberg has been sent to Hans Island to eat a meal of sild — half rotted herring. He will wash this down with an incredibly warm bottle of Skipsol, Denmark’s famously weak, resin-flavoured beer.

“Graham is a pussy!” Flintstone shouted hysterically. “The only one who can save us is Brian Tobin.”

Tobin is best known for his role in the 1995 Turbot War between Canada and the European Union. Then Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, Tobin used “extra-territorial” force to seize a Spanish ship that was fishing illegally in Canadian waters.

Hans Island is home to more than .0001 percent of Canada’s inukshuks.

Globe & Mail Story | Turbot War

The Lost Power Points — Charles DeGaulle Edition

By on July 23, 2005 in The Lost PowerPoints

In commemoration of DeGaulle’s visit to Canada, and what he said on July 24, 1967:

DeGaulle Shows Diplomatic Side (slide 3)

  • Nice to be here in Canada
  • Thanks to Prime Minister for inviting me
  • Vive le Québec Libre!

PM Lester Pearson and the Undiplomatic “Get the Hell Out of Canada” Presentation (slide 2)

  • Fought to liberate France in First World War
  • Won Nobel Peace Prize
  • Canada does not need to be liberated, dink.

Anniversary of DeGalle’s “faux pas” (July 24)

Are you a mutant?

By on July 22, 2005 in Odd Science

You are if you have red hair. And there’s more bad news. You are part of a group that will probably be extinct by 2100!

Red hair is the result of a mutation that occurred at some point around the last Ice Age (20,000-50,000) years ago, and is most common in peoples of British and Irish descent.

But according to some, there is a dwindling number of us (full disclosure here, I’m a redhead), probably less than four percent of the world population. And because it’s a recessive mutation, that means that it will be diluted as people with the mutation mate with those who don’t have it.

Of course, by 2100 we will probably have figured out the gene manipulation thing, and we could all have red hair if we wanted.

Just a warning if you do: remember to put on sunscreen.

Scopes Monkey Trial, 80 Years Later

By on July 21, 2005 in But is it art?, Monkeys!

Chobindo the orangutan, dashing and lanky leading primateRHEA COUNTY — In a bit of inspired public relations, the town of Dayton, Tennessee has announced that it is recreating the “Scopes Monkey Trial” — using actual monkeys as actors.

This simian extravaganza will mark the 80th anniversary of the trial on July 22.

The original trial was an international media event, and pitted John Scopes, a football coach and part-time teacher at Rhea County High School against the State of Tennessee’s Butler Act, which made it illegal to:

“… to teach any theory that denies the story of the Divine Creation of man as taught in the Bible, and to teach instead that man has descended from a lower order of animals”

Of course, few people remember that the trial started out as a publicity stunt to bring attention to Dayton.

“We thought, if it was good for them, why not us?” Mayor Vincent Bobberson told The Skwib.

“Then we thought, well, a recreation of the trial wouldn’t get much attention, we do that every year at the Scopes Festival. Then I had a flash — what if we used monkeys instead of actors!”

From there, the search for suitable thespians began. Working exclusively with the Primate Actor’s Studio, Dayton has assembled the finest cast of monkeys that $25,000 can buy.

The well-known kick-boxing orangutan, Chobindo, will play the lead role of Clarence Darrow. Originally from Borneo, the lanky tree-hugger says it is the part of a lifetime, and is a natural follow-up to the leadership role he played in the so-called “Orangutan Revolution”. (In which he and other orangutan slaves emancipated themselves by beating the hell out their Thai zoo keepers.)

When we asked him if he could elaborate, he pursed his lips together and gave us a raspberry.

The rest of the cast, and the schedule of performances is available at the Scopes Trial “Apestravaganza” website. Just follow the link off the Rhea County Tourism site.


Myth busting the Scopes Trial | Wikipedia entry

Oranguvenge!

By on July 20, 2005 in Monkeys!, Skwibby fiction

Chobindo was a great ape, everybody said so:

“Chobindo? Oh come on — nice guy!”

“Chobindo? He helped me get my cat out of that tree!”

So nobody was more surprised than Chobindo (Choby to his closest friends) when deep in his homeland rainforest on Borneo, he was assaulted, netted and drugged. What did he do to deserve such treatment?

When he came to, Chobindo was en route to Thailand. The passage was not something he would care to repeat, and when he arrived, his captivity got even worse.

Chobindo was a peaceful orangutan — in Malay “orangutan” means man of the forest, but don’t be fooled — they are much more peaceful and gentle creatures than humans. They are intelligent, and in Chobindo’s case, it was lucky that he was, because his captors would not have had much use for him if he hadn’t been.

They trained him in the Thai art of kickboxing, and within a few months of learning his new martial skill, Chobindo was pitted against other orangutans in the ring.

Like great orange gladiators, Chobindo and the others would fight until one or the other was knocked out. It was hardly the freewheeling, arboreal lifestyle he was used to.

Until one day, Chobindo got an idea … what happens if I eat my boxing gloves.

When he got better, Choby had an even better idea: what if he turned on the humans getting them to fight?

Inspired by:

Trade in 1000 Orangutans Yearly | Wikipedia article | Thai boxing