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The Phrase Freak: Specific Timetable

By on December 11, 2007 in Monkeys!, Parody & Satire, The Phrase Freak

Non-specific bus timetableThis is a phrase you hear more and more, particularly in the broadcast media, but the print world is guilty of it as well.

For example, I Googled the phrase in a news search yesterday, and got 850 results, including such august publications as the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal. To be fair, I was sent to Google after hearing it on CBC (radio) news recently.

A timetable, by it’s very nature, is specific. Otherwise, it is quite useless, as evidenced by the “non-specific” timetable I’ve created for the fictional Godot Buslines.

Freak level on this phrase: 7 gobsmacks out of 10.

Weee, we have an asteroid named after us!

By on December 10, 2007 in But is it art?, Monkeys!

london, ontario logoI guess the video below is supposed to excite people about moving to London, Ontario. While I do not doubt that any of the long list of London’s accomplishments are true, some of them come across as damning us with faint praise.

For example, early in the video the line: “where global ambitions are realized at the 12th best business school in the world” actually made me laugh. I thought it was going to be a spoof. Perhaps, “where global ambitions are realized at one of the best business schools in the world” makes the point without the whiff of podunkism I detect.

But seriously, London is great because Johnny Cash proposed to the wife he made miserable here? Hey, didn’t Elvis Presley eat a grilled cheese sandwich at Simpson’s in London, Ontario? (Actually, the video is quite accurate about the good food — we have a lot of great restaurants for a relatively small city.)

Johnny Cash wasn’t even Canadian, let alone a Londoner. What about actual Londoners we should be proud of? Tommy Hunter is a famous country singer (well, in Canada), and he was born in London. What about Guy Lombardo? No mention of Emily Chesley? Outrageous!

Still, at least Asteroid 12310 is named after us. I just think “Welcome to Asteroid 12310, Population 365,000” is going to be confusing on the signs at the edge of town.

Now, the video:

YouTube Preview Image

After, perhaps you can go visit humor-blogs.com, where it will be slightly less silly. Or, if you’re from London and you’d like to improve efforts to market our beautiful city (and it is), you can check out the Ambassador London website.

The Quest for Robotic Pirate Monkey Parity

By on November 29, 2007 in But is it art?, Monkeys!, Odd Science

Robotic Pirate Monkey A few days ago, we learned that scienticians had a major breakthrough in the science of creating robot monkeys; we thought that if they could only find monkeys that were also pirates, then humanity would no longer have to strive, to search, to create. We humans would have fashioned the ultimately cool super-beings.

But no! Here at The Skwib, we believe — no, we know — there are other combinations of artificially enhanced animal marauders that would be equally cool. Viking kittens, for example, would be almost as interesting as pirate monkeys. Cybernetic Viking Kittens would be sweet. (Especially if they had their own sound track, like these Scandinavian pusses.)

Some of you will naturally want to see animals steeped in the art of ninjitsu, which is just kind of sad. Ninjas, apart from generally sucking, are not marauders. They are assassins. Political or paid assassins, usually, and where is the fun in that? So, while we agree that a Mecha Ninja Squirrel (or God forbid, some kind of adolescent mutated reptile, trained by a rat) might sound intriguing, they would fall into another category entirely.

So, we hope that the scientific community will continue its good work with the robot monkeys, and at the same time, look into creating some other, equally awesome creatures:

  • Electromechanical Buccaneer Armadillos
  • Nuclear-powered Corsair Manatees
  • Automatic Bandit Platypuses
  • Carbine-toting Goth Penguins (the type that invaded Rome, not the depressed teenagers — Goths, not Penguins)
  • Hun Puppies (with machine guns instead of floppy ears)

If we have missed any obvious combinations, please leave them in the comments.

Graphic by Goats.com, where you can get it on a t-shirt. humor-blogs.com

Ask General Kang: Do you think we should ban tasers?

By on November 21, 2007 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!, Parody & Satire

Ask General KangI believe that tasers are a barbaric technology. Not only are tasers an excruciating way to kill people, it seems to me that you should be using some kind of non-lethal stunning weapon.

A taser is supposed to be a non-lethal stunning weapon.

Well, there is clearly a PROBLEM. If police forces around the world are willing to give me their tasers, I will pass along the technical schematics for a number of non-lethal devices that my Uber-Ape-Jackboot-and-Miniskirt Paramilitary Forces (and dance troupe) have used quite effectively to subdue the great unwashed populace.

The Amplified Kazoo:
Amplified kazoo music is brutal. I once knew a bonobo who’s atonal rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Fargentina” could drop a brigade of gorilloids armed with broadswords.

Electro-accordion
While not quite as painful as the Amplified Kazoo, Electro-accordions can work as non-lethal weapons, and are especially effective means of crowd control with young hipsters. Warning: does not work anywhere people listen to zydeco, the Paris metro, or at Irish sessions. This is most effective when deployed by an armada of angry uber-chimps with no sense of rhythm.

Doom-worms:
On Mephitis VI, there is a kind of multi-appendaged gut worm that can emit a high-pitched whining sound, which is a combination of noise similar to a mosquito’s buzz and about 100 overtired children stuffed into a mini-van. If amplified, the sound will pop the eyes out of any primate. Warning: Handle this creature with care; each appendage of the gut worm is capable of delivering a neurotoxin that causes bits of your face to fall off and necrotize rapidly into a bubbly goo that smells worse than the Stench-Beast of Vomitus XII.

What are you going to do with all those tasers?

Oh, I have uses for them.

Next time: How do I fit “tab a” into “slot b” if all I can find is a multi-dimensional “thingy c”?