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The Lost PowerPoint Slides (King Kong Edition)

By on October 23, 2006 in Monkeys!, The Lost PowerPoints

King KongThoughts on Megaprimatus kong Interactions with Slender Attractive Young Women of Northern European Extraction (presented by Jan Kungheim, Professor of Correct Anthropology at the University of Appropriate Conduct, Helsinki) –> slide 6

  • it appears that physically enhanced primate from “Skull Island” is not inclined to dismember Ann Darrow
  • instead, the “Kong” (as it is known to the indigenous population of “Skull Island”) seems to enjoy Ms. Darrow’s light-colored hair that is common among populations in Northern Europe, Britain and North America. (And now in Japan with the introduction of L’Oreal.)
  • Ms. Darrow is not maintaining the neutrality we expect from expect from a student in anthropology at
    Cambridge
  • our project sponsor, “Carl Denham” says Ms. Darrow is “a natural”.

Ensign Stewart presents, What happened on Skull Island –> slide 4

  • chased the big ape carrying Miss Darrow
  • she’s lovely, that Miss Darrow
  • can’t blame the enormous gorilla, really, can I?
  • then we got shaken into the crevasse filled with creepy crawlies
  • have you ever seen a man killed by a three-foot louse?
  • then don’t judge me for wanting to shoot that feckin’ ape!

Ann Darrow, PhD student in anthropology, presents “My Kong” –> slide 12

  • My Kong is gentle
  • My Kong is kind
  • My Kong is more ape than ape-ropriate.

Jennifer Glam, anonymous blond in Carl Denham’s stage show, “The Eight Wonder of the World”, presents, Broadway –>slide 2

  • you must work very hard to get on stage on Broadway
  • or be a slut
  • either way, the monkey will throw YOU off its back
  • sometimes literally.

Julian presents “What the?”–>slide 5

  • one minute, I find a really nice bit of crumpet at the Shrine
  • the next, I’m being stung by tiny male crumpets
  • then I wake up in thick chains, and the crumpet is gone
  • who wouldn’t get pissed?

Yar mateys, here be a week of pirates (and a brig full of links)

By on September 16, 2006 in General Skwib, Monkeys!

Arrrr! Yer Jolly Roger matey!Yes, it’s the week of Talk Like a Pirate Day, and in honor of one of our favorite (and most meaningless) celebrations, we’ve got some piratical activity planned fer the good ship Skwib.

On Monday Professor Billy Bones will be handing out the syllabus for the freshmen class at Pirate University; on Tuesday, we have yer boco-neer fiction planned; and on Wednesday, a very special edition of Ask General Kang. Thursday is the Carnival of Piratical Satire, and on Friday, we’ll, let’s just say that yer average skwab don’t think that far ahead.

And for now, here are a few more carnies whose poop decks we’ve darkened, and some pirate-related posts to slake yer bloody appetites:

A fine Sunday Carnival of the Godless: not that all pirates are atheists, but there is grand swath of godless in the crew.

The Friday Ark, where we thought about poor old Capt’n Hook when we saw the link to a Jurassic Neverneverland .

The History Carnival, where you can see a scary skull and crossbones and read about yer worst curse of the pirate — the plague (okay, the worst after running out of grog).

Carnival of the Mundane, where you will find a posting that is about as anti-pirate as you can imagine. If a pirate has sore feet, we just cut them off and replace them furniture. Arrrrrrr!!

Ask General Kang: What musical instrument should I learn?

By on September 11, 2006 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangI think it depends a bit on where your talents lie.

For example, can you carry a tune? Then maybe a kazoo. Or even a harmonica if you’ve got some talent. If you have less musical aptitude, perhaps you should learn to play a tambourine or bodhran — that’s a kind of large tambourine without the little jingles around the edge — no, never mind, if I have to explain what it is, you probably won’t be able to play it and there are already enough of those. Beware, you’ll still need a sense of rhythm to play any percussion instrument.

Unless you’re playing a Tragdorian Mega-Drum, which are pretty automated, though you still need some kind of primate to activate the boom-boom switch on it. I once kitted out an entire troop of ultra-chimps with Tragdorian Mega-Drums instead of plasma weapons, and was pleasantly surprised to see them take their objective (a major city on the Planet Bluehairia) in record time. Of course the poor bastards were wiped out in our assault on Metalhead XII (they have a very high tolerance for Mega-Drum percussion there.)

What about bagpipes?

Are you insane? You want to be able to play with other people don’t you?

Next time: If it’s okay to have love in a time of cholera, what if do we do in a time of bird flu

Professor Quippy: Proto-Jungle Fever

By on May 19, 2006 in Monkeys!, Odd Science

Professor QuippyThe anthropology world is screeching and swinging from the branches. The news from a new DNA study shows that humans and chimps split much later than we originally thought from an original species.

And that they continued to mate long after that first split.

You got it, our early hominid ancestors were bumping uglies with chimps, as recently as about five million years ago, according to the Broad Institute of MIT and Harvard study.

Of course, some suspect that incidents of hot monkey love may be a little more recent than that. And General Kang is positive.