Navigation

Archive | The Lost PowerPoints

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Race to the South Pole Edition)

By on December 14, 2007 in Hinky History, The Lost PowerPoints

Superior beard technology -- Roald AmundsenRoald Amundsen presents “Don’t make me turn this ship around” (circa 1910) –> Slide 6

  • Knull meg hardt og fort!
  • Peary already got to the North Pole
  • Steer the Fram for South Pole
  • May the explorer with the best beard win!

Amundsen presents “Supplies for Polar Expedition” (circa 1911) –> Slide 3

Dogs, lots of dogs

  • 52 Samoyeds and Huskies
  • Good for dragging food
  • Can become food (for the other dogs!)
  • I mean, if you can’t soak it in lye first, it’s hardly worth eating …

Amundsen presents “The horseshoe is uncomfortable” (circa 1911) –> Slide 2

  • Our ship can handle the ice conditions at the Bay of Whales
  • Puts us closer to pole
  • Hey, there’s a glacier here too
  • Jævla nice.

Robert Falcon Scott presents “Scientific journey” (circa 1910) –> Slide 4

  • Not just a “dash for the pole”
  • Collecting scientific data
  • Also, about being properly English.

Scott presents “Bugger” (circa 1912) –> Slide 1

  • Looks like Amundsen got here first
  • Should have taken dogs
  • Okay, let’s get these rocks back to base.

Captain Lawrence Oates presents “Taking a leak” (circa 1912) –> Only slide

  • I’m slowing you down, right?
  • Just going outside
  • May be some time.

Scott presents “Final words” (circa 1912) –>last slide

  • Thin margin of error
  • More blizzards than normal
  • Still, we’ll die like Englishmen!
  • p.s. Rock samples are with the gear.

Amundsen reached the pole on 14 December 1911 and Scott arrived on 17-18 January 1912. News of Amundsen’s success reached the world in March of 1912, several weeks before Scott’s party perished on their return voyage. An alternate explanation of what happened to the gallant Oates can be found here. A map of their routes is available at the Fram museum website. Information on how to swear in Norwegian here, and information likely to make you swear is available at humor-blogs.com here.

Happy Famanguish

By on November 22, 2007 in Parody & Satire, The Lost PowerPoints

Happy thanksgivingGeneral Kang is not the warmest individual, but he got positively misty when I asked him about his strange Neeknabian holidays, Cram It!, Famanguish and Kangsgiving

This story is not about Thanksgiving, but it does feature a turkey, and our newest writer, Dr. Tundra: A Traditional ‘Christmas’ at the Tundra Household. (He’s going to kill me.)

And if all this wasn’t enough, you will find the Yanksgiving Edition of the Lost PowerPoint Slides here, including:

Items NOT supplied at the first Thanksgiving

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Lord of the Flies Edition)

By on October 30, 2007 in The Lost PowerPoints

image of savage boy from Lord of the FliesMy Grade 11 Gym Teacher Explains the Book –>Slide 2

  • Those choir boys were surprisingly tough
  • Ralph was a disappointment
  • Piggy got what was coming to him
  • (He’d be target practice in “dodge” ball)
  • Too bad they were rescued. I’d have left them on the island a bit longer. Toughen em up.

Carl Rove Presents the Lord of the Flies as Political Allegory –>Slide 4

  • Ralph represent democrats
  • Piggy represents liberal media
  • Jack is me
  • Roger is Rummy
  • Simon is W.
  • Samneric are the pigs, er, voters.

George W. Presents the Lord of the Flies as Political Allegory (Only Slide)

  • Big lizard, right?
  • Ate the children. Heh, heh.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (The Battle of Salamis Edition)

By on September 28, 2007 in The Lost PowerPoints

Themistocles, dude of SalamisXerxes I presents “Punish that body of water!” –> slide 2 (circa 483 BC)

  • building paper bridge over Hellespont
  • storm destroyed it
  • 300 lashes for the water
  • and throw in some shackles
  • that will sort it out!

Xerxes I presents “No Democracy on My Watch” –> slide 7 (circa 480 BC)

  • Greeks supported revolt of other Greek cities in Ionia
  • they want … shudder … “democracy”
  • 2-million man army will sort it out!

Themistocles presents “Wall of Wood” –> slide 3 (circa 480 BC)

  • seriously, we can’t retreat behind isthmus of Corinth
  • the Oracle says Greece will be saved by wall of wood
  • ships, not an actual wall
  • nothing to do with superior Greek phalli, either, pervs!

A Greek a slave named Sicinnus presents “Greeks are retreating” –> slide 2 (circa 480 BC)

  • mighty Xerxes, the Greek navy is retreating
  • you could catch them from behind in the night
  • you would like that, wouldn’t you, you naughty potentate?

Xerxes I presents “Catch them in the night” –> only slide (circa 480 BC)

  • I believe this Greek slave!
  • Egyptian squadron will cut off their escape
  • the rest of us will follow their fleet
  • all night, exhausting the men if we have to
  • perhaps we can torture the water while we go!

Xerxes I presents “Bugger” –> only slide (circa 480 BC)

  • my fleet unable to use its superior numbers
  • Greeks tricked us into fighting in narrow straight
  • damn you my old nemesis, water!

Aeschylus presents “Now, we start Western Civilization” –> slide 3 (circa 480 BC)

  • Persians will retreat
  • experiment in democracy, individualistic society will continue
  • now I can follow my dream of writing great plays
  • yes, they will be dark and moody
  • chicks dig that
  • seriously, I like chicks.

Note: The Battle of Salamis was fought sometime in late September, 480 BC, and many historians consider it the most important battle in human history. If the Persians had won, which they should have, given their vastly superior numbers, Western history would have looked very different indeed. There is no word on if Aeschylus scored as many chicks as he hoped, though no doubt Agamemnon made him popular with a certain kind of (scary) Athenian matron.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Viking Raider Edition)

By on September 21, 2007 in The Lost PowerPoints

Viking Raider with Pig on his helmetThorgest presents “How to pillage” –> slide 3 (circa 839 AD)

  • yes, it’s very exciting when you find an un-pillaged Irish monastery
  • get the ORDER of things correct
  • take money, gold & silver treasure FIRST
  • THEN burn it down.

Thorgest presents “New developments in the pillaging industry –> slide 2 (circa 840 AD)

  • apparently, the Church will ransom some priests and monks
  • so, no more “head loppings”
  • hands, feet, still okay.

Ragnar Lodbrok presents “Paris could be burning” –> slide 2 (circa 845 AD)

  • captured Paris
  • 7,000 pounds of silver and I won’t burn it
  • no promises about other parts of West Frankia.

Ivar the Boneless presents “No jokes about the name” –> slide 3 (circa 875 AD)

  • it’s because I can’t walk, okay?
  • nothing to do with impotence!
  • make one more joke and you’ll get “St. Edmunded”
  • (tied to tree and made to look like hedgehog)
  • (yes, with arrows dumbass).

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Buccaneer Edition)

By on September 17, 2007 in The Lost PowerPoints

Arrrr!Roche Braziliano presents “Not a Buccaneer” –> slide 1 (circa 1655)

  • “boucanier” is a French smoker of meat
  • har, they smoke meat good there
  • also, they smell like dead pigs
  • now drink with me or I’ll roast you alive
  • okay, maybe I’m a kind of buccaneer.

Jean-David Nau (François l’Ollonais) presents “Torture etiquette” –> slide 6 (circa 1667)

woolding

  • fast and effective
  • bind cord around victim’s head
  • (always explain how much it will hurt first)
  • tighten with wooden crank
  • keep cranking until they tell you what you want to know
  • or their eyes pop out
  • either way, keep cranking!

Sir Henry Morgan presents “Exceeding Your Commission” –>slide 12 (circa 1674)

  • no sea voyage is complete without a sacking of Panama
  • not in my Letter of Marque and Reprisal, per se
  • nor was using Jesuit priests as human shields (works well)

Sir Henry Morgan presents “Exceeding Your Commission” –>slide 13 (circa 1674)

  • but I really didn’t know England was at peace with Spain
  • thus, the knighthood
  • arrrrrr!