Archive | June, 2011

Baby existentialism

By Mark A. Rayner on June 23, 2011 in But is it art?, Monkeys!

This explains so much.

Alltop was more of a baby solipsist.

Peter Gzowski returns to radio

By Mark A. Rayner on June 22, 2011 in General Skwib, Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

bleeding cbc logo Bill Freedman woke up in Bucolic City like he always did; the clock radio clicked on to the familiar sound of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

He hated listening in the summer, but what could you do? It was the only talk radio he could (barely) stomach.

“Oh great, more reruns,” he thought, as he listened to what was clearly an old conversation about whether bilingualism was necessary in all parts of the country.

The CBC was known for its long hiatuses in original programming during the summer. Some of their regular hosts had longer breaks than most school teachers. Or did he remember hearing something about a lockout of the regular talent? Hard to tell the difference really.

“Wait a minute,” he thought, “that’s Peter Gzowski talking. I’d recognize that affable, cigarette-roughened voice anywhere. Isn’t he DEAD?”

The conversation on the radio was interrupted by a long silence, and then Bill heard his favorite host groan.

It was a disturbing moan that ended upwards, almost as if Gzowski was about to ask one of his trademark, apparently goofy questions that was really a minefield in disguise.

“Peter Gzowski want brains!”

The guest’s screams were horribly truncated, and then Bill heard the sound of crunching, smacking. It was disgusting.

“Now play Life is a Highway,” Gzowski said beteen mouthfuls, and Tom Cochran’s tune drowned out the awful feeding.

As he bopped along to the road anthem, Bill thought the CBC had never been so interesting.

Alltop want funny! This was originally published in August, 2005. You read that right. 2005, bitches! For those of you who don’t remember Gzowski, you can find his hagiography here.

The Device

By Mark A. Rayner on June 21, 2011 in Odd Science, Skwibby fiction

When Charlie hired on to Doctor Machinica’s Traveling Hospital for Female Hysteria, he had no idea what he was getting himself into. He certainly didn’t know anything about The Device.

The Doctor was a respectable-looking fellow, if a bit short of stature and brawn (except for his unnaturally thick right forearm, which looked like it was twice the size of his left). He dressed in natty tweed suits, even during the hottest months of summer. And his narrow face always had an expression of curiosity on it, even if his eyes were obscured by thick glasses.

Charlie had left the farm, hoping to find excitement in the big city, but so far he’d only found poverty and pollution. So, when he heard the Doctor was hiring a workman for his practice, he was full of hope that it would be a great break for him.

“Basically, your job is to maintain The Device — don’t worry, I’ll show you everything you need to know — and the most important part of that will be to keep the damned thing powered while I’m administering the Cure to our patients,” Doctor Machinica told him on his first day.

The Device was steam-powered, so Charlie’s main concern was to ensure that it didn’t run out of coal while the Doctor did his work. Until their first appointment, he couldn’t quite figure out what the machine did, but it appeared to be some kind of steam-driven wand with a large bulbous end that made a loud buzzing noise and vibrated excessively.

The machine required constant coaling, so Charlie had to be in the room with the Doctor and the patient while the Cure was administered. But … the Cure for what?

On the day he started, their first patient was a charming and well-bred lady from the better part of town; unfortunately, Mrs. MacReady suffered from “female hysteria”. As the machine came up to full power, the Doctor administered what he called a “pelvic massages”, which produced what he later described to Charlie as “hysterical paroxysm”.

Charlie still blushed with the memory of what MacReady had said to Doctor Machinica during her “paroxysms”; he became even more agitated, while riding to their next appointment, when the Doctor told him: “I thank God every day for this machine, Charlie. I used to have to do that manually.”

Charlie didn’t say so, but he thought he might be willing to give it a try — that is, if The Device ever broke down.

Inspired by:
Female hysteria, pelvic massage and the “hysterical paroxysm”: Victorian medical vibrators [wiki]