Tag Archives | humour

Classics of Literature – The Catcher in the Rye

The Catcher in the Rye - cover imageIn 1950, J.D. Salinger was hired by the New York City Tourist Bureau to write a jazzy and young novel about the city that never sleeps, in hopes of increasing general awareness about the city, and why it was such a great travel destination. Boy, did they spend their money wisely.

Salinger’s story centers around the character of Holden Caulfield, who is a adolescent Catcher in training. The Catchers all have their own unique super-powers, and they are dedicated to making the world a better, more livable place. They are all trained at the famed Pencey Prep. Because of his impressive Talent (a mix of adolescent angst and insightfulness), he is sent by his Headmaster to New York City, to help make the city more livable and kind.

Caulfield faces many challenges and mystical experiences, in which he discovers that he is neither an orphan, nor the bastard son of the Evil Governor. For most characters, this is the kiss of death. Having no evil father to fight or lack of parents to overcome generally means you can be a bit player, or at best, the sidekick of the hero. But Caulfield digs deep and discovers hidden reserves of sarcasm that enable him to remain the novel’s protagonist, and not get molested by an old Master of Dark English.

Little known fact: The NYC Tourist Bureau paid Salinger $12 and “all the ether he could sniff” to write the book.

Classics of Literature — Dystopias & Post-Apocalyptic Hijinks (#1)

1984

1984 coverI’m not sure why everyone is so freaked out about this pretty ordinary tale about a door-to-door salesman and his quest for meaning in a brutal work environment. The love affair between Winston and Julia is touching, though I’m not sure why it’s so …more I’m not sure why everyone is so freaked out about this pretty ordinary tale about a door-to-door salesman and his quest for meaning in a brutal work environment. The love affair between Winston and Julia is touching, though I’m not sure why it’s so important that she fetishes the vacuum attachments Winston is trying to sell her on their first meeting.

I was rather impressed by Orwell’s ability to predict the invention of Creep-Vee, “The Television that Watches You!” (I’m not a big fan, though I know most of the kids really like it, especially the shows where they get to vote on who has to eat the raw goat’s anus)

I was also impressed by Orwell’s ability to predict the rise of Fox News.

The Road

The RoadYou’d think an adventurous post-apocalyptic story would have more pitched sea battles and swordplay, so I was really disappointed with this book. There was only one boat, no pirates, and the violence wasn’t very romantic.

There is some baby-eating, which I found disturbing. Disturbing enough that even this effort won’t clear it from my consciousness:

the road portable meal systems

I dares ya to buy it as a t-shirt.

Alltop likes its baby with carrots.

Classics of Literature — Titles Starting With Definite Articles (#1)

The Odyssey

The OdysseyThe Odyssey is a story about a homicidal maniac (Odysseus) who refuses to ask for directions. This tragic flaw, shared by many men, leads his crew to disaster. Some are eaten by monsters, some are eaten by their crew-mates, and some finally get fed up with this cruise from hell (literally at one point), and take a flight back to Greece on their own.

Finally, Odysseus returns home, and is shocked, SHOCKED, to discover that after a 20-year absence, his wife is entertaining the possibility of remarrying.

The Hobbit, or There and Back Again

The HobbitThis is another tale of vacations gone awry. Bilbo Baggins is a wealthy hobbit who hires Gandalf Travel to take him on a grand tour of Middle Earth.

But Gandalf plays a little bait-and-switch on Bilbo, and our hero soon discovers that it will not be Gandalf leading the tour, but a cadre of fat, venal and mentally challenged Dwarves. Even worse, he is expected to do most of the work himself. Though he finds the experience trying, Bilbo discovers hidden reserves of talent, bravery and pluck.

Everything goes well until Bilbo inadvertently starts a race war.

The Stranger

the strangerI read this originally in French class, sometime during my storied high school career. Most of this famous existential work was read aloud in class, by a collection of students with a wide variety of accents and grasp of the French language. If I remember correctly, Lorne’s delivery was hilarious, but that might have been because he was pretending he was Soupy the Clown.

Despite the fact that I was doing poorly in this class, I was secretly in love with my French teacher. (A fact I only now reveal for comic effect, but back then I would have been mortified if the world had known.)

The novel is about the farcical nature of French justice, and the benefits of not washing.

Alltop thinks washing is pointless too.

Want cyborg teddy!

Early attempts at human-machine hybrids
Early efforts at creating a human-machine hybrid were unsuccessful.

The subject did not gain any of the benefits of cyborgism — extended lifespan, bone-crushing strength, heightened mental faculties — and in the process, the computer used to augment the human was compromised. (Thereafter all the programmers could do was get it to do was ask for its “ba-ba”.)

Up side: misbehaving children were much easier to control. Down side, this strict control required a lax attitude towards explosive incontinence. (Not even a three-foot stack of towels could contain it.)

Alltop has no excuses for its EI. Frightening photo via Twisted Vintage. (Not necessarily safe for work.)

Ask General Kang: How can I get more respect?

Ask General KangIt depends on how much respect you’re looking for, really. I mean, if you just want your friends, family and neighbours to respect you then it should be pretty easy.

From what I can see, your smaller primate groupings here on Earth tend to respect strength of character, kindness and consideration of others. So for starters, stop acting like a pretentious wanker, insufferable know-it-all, or complete douchebag. (People usually lose respect for individuals for one of those reasons.)

But if you’re looking for respect from a larger grouping of primitive hominids (that’s you, humans) — let’s say from the size of a corporation up to the size of a nation — this will require power too.

For my money, nothing says power like a phalanx of Über-Chimps decked out in gold spandex and helmets that look like the business end of a whale phallus. Oh, and they have to be toting plasma weapons too, or the look just doesn’t work. Unfortunately, all your backwards planet seems to think plasma is good for making televisions show crappy content in higher definition.

So, give your primitive technology I’d start building a thermonuclear weapon right now, and some kind of delivery system. (No one would expect a llama.)

My advice is to test it on a holiday weekend for maximum impact.

Next Time: I’ve read somewhere that time dilates near the event horizon of a black hole. Does that feel anything like my early morning Intro to Psychology class?

Alltop is a singularity of humor. Originally published, oh, let’s say … before.