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Professor Quippy: Uh-oh

By on November 19, 2007 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyA new report from the Nuffield Council on Bioethics (UK think tank) believes that “nanny state” policies may be justified when it comes to binge drinking.

“At present the UK government is trying to encourage a sensible drinking culture,” says John Krebs, chairman of the committee that wrote the report. “But walk through ‘vomit alley’ in central Oxford on a Saturday night and you will see a conspicuous absence of it.”

Yes, Vomit Alley — a post-apocalyptic world in which gravity inexplicably increases in places, light bends, and your gut comes alive with flavor. I believe the movie is in pre-production and they’ve tapped Kurt Russell to play the lead, Angus McNasty, master of “The Sledge”.

Just don’t try to bring back prohibition, that’s all I ask.

New Scientist Story (requires subscription for full article)

Tundra’s Reviews: A Kafkaesque Nightmare with Moments of Dark Hilarity and Smug French People

By on November 17, 2007 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

An evil HMO directorInitially, I wasn’t sure how to categorize the movie. At first I thought it might be a musical about body mutilation, but then it got a bit darker, and stranger, and quite frightening.

I guess I would best categorize SiKCO as a kind of horror movie with SF tropes and moments of absurd comedy.

It kind of meanders for a horror flick, and a lot of characters get introduced throughout the story (and yes, a lot of bad things happen to them). The one character who remains unharmed — except for a painful interview he conducts with an extremely smug French couple — is the “film-maker” Michael Moore.

The framing device for this terrifying piece of fiction is that Michael Moore is a documentary maker. The CGI experts that created this sympathetic character are geniuses — yes, the protagonist is quite horrible to look, but you can really feel his humanity coming through those pixels, so you definitely sympathize with his want to help people.

And boy, in this setting, people need help. I mean, in this movie, if you’re ill, old or poor, you do not want to need a doctor. Basically, think of the HMOs as a horde of zombies, and anyone needing healthcare as brain-food on the hoof. As (an ex-) doctor, I was quite horrified to think that those organizations would spend so much of their time and effort denying care — clearly something is rotten in Denmark.

By contrast, the protagonist visits several countries that have universal healthcare. Part of it is even filmed in my hometown, of London, Ontario. This segment of the movie is fairly accurate, though there wasn’t much mention of efforts in Canada to privatize medicine. (Mostly unsuccessful so far, thank god.)

On the whole, I found SiCKO a disturbing and somewhat moving horror/comedy, though the ending, where a bunch of Americans are treated by Cuban doctors seemed a little too far fetched to believe. I bet it drives some people nuts though.

I give this four out of five peyote buttons!

Four out of five peyote buttons

Thanks to Archer at Lawyerworldland for suggesting I watch it. | Photo of the evil HMO Directory by brian cors

Doug the neurotic invents a corollary on his daily commute

By on November 15, 2007 in But is it art?, Skwibby fiction

Revenge of the chickenOkay, I’ll admit it. I’m freaking out.

I ate at Wendy’s last night, and then I’m reading the paper today — yeah, like I do everyday on the bus — and so I’m reading the paper, and what do I see? Bird Flu! There was another breakout of bird flu in a freakin’ chicken farm in Canada!

Yeah, I know you can’t catch bird flu from a Spicy Chicken Sandwich, but still. I’m just saying that it’s a sign. It’s just a matter of time. That or the polar bears. Where the hell are they going to go when the last of the polar icecaps melt? The motherfuckers are either going to drown or head south and look for a little protein in Doug form. Spicy Doug Sandwich. Did you know the polar bear is the biggest land predator in the world? Yeah, and they aren’t going to catch bird flu. Not to mention the terrorists. If they don’t get me than for sure some crypto-Nazi is going to rendition me to somewhere where water-boarding is like foreplay.

Holy shit! It says here that some of the people working with the chickens caught Bird Flu. Oh God, I don’t want to catch BIRD FLU.

Why the hell is everyone looking so calm? Look at that dude. He’s just listening to his iPod, pretending that we’re not all about to die from an anthrax attack. It says we will right here on page three.

The bus is awfully slow today. I wonder if that’s because the driver is working with the terrorists, or maybe he has the beginnings of BIRD FLU and it’s slowing him down? All these stories keep saying it’s only a matter of time until the virus leaps from poultry to humans. Just like the terrorists. They’re going to do another big attack.

Wait.

They haven’t, have they? Maybe if the media is really covering a story like this, that reduces the chances of the thing actually happening. What if there is some sort of inverse relationship to disaster and the amount of fear churned up by the media: the more ink and airtime devoted, the less likely there will be a disaster?

Oh shit. What if there was some kind of OTHER relationship, like a corollary to Murphy’s Law? What is that? Anything that can go, will go wrong. No, that’s Microsoft’s motto. Anything that can go wrong, will.

Like, my bus is late. It can be late, so it is late. I’m going to have to run to catch my transfer. Bastards.

What if there’s some kind of corollary to Murphy’s Law? Anything that can go wrong, will, unless the media gives it saturation coverage … in which case, something else will go even more horribly wrong. Not bad. Call it Doug’s Corollary.

Finally, the bus is at my stop. Come on lady, move. I got to run.

Wait! If that is true, what is worse than BIRD FLU?

Dashing now. I’m still fast. Not young enough to fight off BIRD FLU, but still quick.

Oh my God. Ohmygodohmygod, EBOLA is worse than BIRD FLU!

Oh God, I’m going to catch some new strain of EBOLA and bleed out from they eye sockets and shit! It’s going to wipe me out like a —

[bus]

The End
Photo by Mark Lorch

Rotten claw of decomposing PM reaches from the grave to rend ample flesh from current holder of the office

By on November 13, 2007 in Parody & Satire
I demand an inquiry
I demand an inquiry! And brains!

Actually, it’s a bit more complicated than that, but it seems that the Evil Dr. Chin is back, baby.

He’s back, and like a political zombie, his nasty juju is engulfing the current “conservative” PM. It’s especially ironic that the man who was so hated by the Canadian public, and who arguably killed the old Progressive Conservative party, is now the source of the attack on the new “conservative” party, which is really just the old Reform party with the few surviving Progressive Conservatives right wing enough to join the Reformers.

At any rate, zombie bites are contagious and it seems that some in the PMO have had their bums seriously nibbled.

Having trouble figuring this murky, undead political scandal out? You’re not alone.

Mulroney calls for public inquiry | Chretien should explain Mulroney payout, minister says

And somewhere in shadows, the dark figure of Count Chretien cheekily says to the media, “you vill look into vy we gave Mulroney the $2.1 million. Blah, blah!”

50-Metre Land Requisition Event

By on November 6, 2007 in Parody & Satire

50-Metre Land Requisition Event -- Beijing Olympic MascotsIn addition to Tibetan Dissident Biathlon, the 2008 Beijing Olympics will have another exciting new demonstration sport in Shooting: the 50-Metre Land Requisition Event.

Normally, the 50-metre Pistol competition is a solo sport, and does not include a running target (such as skeet or trap). But the 50-Metre Land Requisition Event combines all the excitement of team sports, shooting, and moving human targets. Many funs!

On one side, the “sanctioned” team, which is usually backed by local communist authorities or enterprises, and consists of three crack pistol marksmen. On the other side, the hapless Chinese inhabitants of urban areas that the party would like to sell to developers. This is not a team, so much as a disorganized mob of men, women and children attempting to avoid a hail of well-placed bullets while protesting their forcible eviction. The Beijing Olympic committee has set this event in Shanghai, where there is quite a bit of land not being put to the “best” (profitable) use.

So far, Zimbabwe, Angola, and Burma have said they’ll be sending teams. China is the hands-down favorite, having had so much practice forcibly evicting people to create venues for the Beijing Games.

More demonstration sports with the Beijing Olympic Mascots:
Tibetan Dissident Biathlon | Organ Relay | Hu Flung Falongong | Forced Sterilization Footy | Press Clubbing | 50-Meter Land Requisition Event

‘Inspired’ by:
Amnesty International 2006 China Report, and their Countdown to the Olympics

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Lord of the Flies Edition)

By on October 30, 2007 in The Lost PowerPoints

image of savage boy from Lord of the FliesMy Grade 11 Gym Teacher Explains the Book –>Slide 2

  • Those choir boys were surprisingly tough
  • Ralph was a disappointment
  • Piggy got what was coming to him
  • (He’d be target practice in “dodge” ball)
  • Too bad they were rescued. I’d have left them on the island a bit longer. Toughen em up.

Carl Rove Presents the Lord of the Flies as Political Allegory –>Slide 4

  • Ralph represent democrats
  • Piggy represents liberal media
  • Jack is me
  • Roger is Rummy
  • Simon is W.
  • Samneric are the pigs, er, voters.

George W. Presents the Lord of the Flies as Political Allegory (Only Slide)

  • Big lizard, right?
  • Ate the children. Heh, heh.