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An uncomfortable realization

By on September 11, 2008 in But is it art?, Skwibby fiction, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Barga the cavebearBarga had thought he’d seen it all.

I mean, he’d been around a bit, even if he did live in a time when early humans were still experimenting with clothing. The morning had been spent grubbing for truffles and thinking about soup. That afternoon, he decided a pleasant dip at the ‘ol swimmin’ hole would be just the thing. But the serenity of the day was not destined to last.

At least, not much beyond the uncomfortable realization that the human attacking him was hung … well, like a bear, but better, Barga had to admit.

Later, he reflected upon how delicious the one who ran screaming from the glade would have been if the back of his legs hadn’t been so badly stained with early homo sapiens fecal matter …

[From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Necrobiblia Collection]

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop are also experimenting with clothes.

Will the world end on Wednesday?

By on September 8, 2008 in But is it art?, Odd Science

End of the world, in green mood lightingLook out.

It’s CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC), and it’s going to nibble our bums — to infinity!

In just a couple days, CERN is going to turn on its nifty new gadget — the world’s most bitchin’ particle accelerator, which is kind of like a really powerful toy train, except instead of a toy train, the LHC sends two tiny particles of matter hurtling along the track at nearly the speed of light. Yes, it is the ultimate demolition derby! With any luck it will reveal what all that dark matter nonsense is about, give us more information about the origins of the universe, explain why we don’t have any antimatter to power our warp drives, complete Newton’s unfinished work (on mass, not alchemy), and with any luck, give the particle physicists enough to do for a while, so they can stop disturbing my sleep with nightmares about strange quarks and cats that may or may not be dead.

Then again, it could destroy the planet.

I wouldn’t count on that though. There is a really slight chance that the LHC could produce micro-black holes (but they should evaporate almost immediately). If they don’t they’ll eat us alive.

The LHC could also tip us in to a vacuum bubble. This is not what happens when you try to suck up gum with your Hoover. This is an hypothetical state (ironically, more “stable” in terms of physics) in which the Earth would cease to exist. IN layman’s terms, this would be bad.

Strange quarkSo too would magnetic monopoles — I won’t even try to pretend what the hell they are — and strange matter. Strange matter is the stuff that is found in your mouth after an evening of drinking peyote and avocado milkshakes. Nasty, yes, but is it enough to cause the end of the universe? CERN thinks no. Personally, I’m hoping a few globs of it land in my brain and give me superpowers. (Particle telekinesis and omniscience would be my choice, but I’d be happy with the ability to read minds or turn all easy listening music into psychotropic mushrooms.)

You may want to read about why humans are fascinated with the end of the world in this BBC story, but I prefer the outline from CERN. The “safety” questions are particularly entertaining.

Now, if all of this wasn’t frightening enough, there is also the Carnival of the Insanities to visit, and more weird quark-filled strangeness at humor-blogs.com and alltop. Thanks to julkastro for the end of the world shot.

Sincerely submitted, Dr. Tundra.

Update: Has the Large Hadron Collider destroyed the Earth yet?

The Dude Abides

By on August 28, 2008 in But is it art?, Skwibby fiction

You know, novels don’t write themselves. This seems like an obvious truth, but over the past year or so, I have kind of forgotten it; in short, the time that I should have been spending throwing enough words at the wall so I could get a few to stick and coalesce into a spaghettified mess worthy of a novel, I have been cranking out drivel on this blog.

Entertaining drivel, I hope, but drivel nonetheless.

So, I’ll be posting a little less regularly than usual over the next few months. Who knows, perhaps I’ll discover that I’m incapable of longer projects now. I’ll have to see what condition my condition is in.

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I notice that this is my 1300th post. How cool is that? Keep checking back to see how long it takes to get up to 1500!

More entertaining drivel here and here.

Places that Exist: Taboo Resort

By on August 26, 2008 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

I went up to the Muskokas to visit a friend over the weekend, and couldn’t help but notice one of those helpful blue tourism signs on the highway, which quite helpfully let me know that I could — if so inclined — stay at the Taboo Resort.

Unfortunately there wasn’t enough room on the sign for their tagline:

Come for the paraphilia, stay for the cannibalism!

Taboo Resort -- come for the paraphilia, stay for the cannibalism!

I’ve heard that the watersports at Taboo are popular with humor-blogs.com and the children’s buffet is a favourite at Alltop.

Wayne gets porcductive

By on August 22, 2008 in Odd Science, Skwibby fiction

A pig in a tux, with a monocle, smoking cigarWayne made Leondardo Da Vinci look like a lazy pig.

Legend had it the famous Renaissance artist only slept two hours a day, in short 20-minute naps, leaving him 22 hours each day to work.

Wayne had got his sleep time down to zero — first by an ingenious combination of Red Bull and amphetamines, and now, with a new experimental drug he’d stolen from a monkey.

Well, technically he’d stolen it from the physiology and pharmacology department of the university that owned the simian in question.

He’d gone twelve days without any sleep; after he finally pulled himself away from the TV, he’d been incredibly productive. His cheque book was balanced, his house was spotless, and that novel that he’d always wanted to write — we’ll, he hadn’t started that yet, but he HAD refinished the bathroom, and he was about to open up the wall between his living room and dining room.

Wayne was being one productive bastard.

He was just plugging in his reticulating saw when the hallucinations began.

“I say old bean,” asked the pig in the tuxedo. It was a funny kind of pig. It had a plummy British accent, it was wearing a monocle, and it was smoking a cigar. “are you quite sure you want to use a reticulating saw? Would some sort of surgical tool be more appropriate?”

Wayne put the saw down, flushed the experimental drugs down the toilet, and decided to have a nap.

The pig came with him.

Other productive humor writers at alltop and humor-blogs.com and you may want to learn about how a New Drug May Help the Sleep-Deprived Brain.