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Local genius finds solution to the price of gas

By on May 26, 2008 in Parody & Satire

LONDON, Ontario (London Free Mess) — Scientists from around the world have descended upon the quiet suburban city of London, Ontario (Canada) to try and understand the revolutionary theories of a bookstore clerk.

None of his neighbors ever guessed that Les Ensible, who works for a used bookstore, was a genius.

“We always just thought Bart was a normal guy, like the rest of us, but then he came up with this idea,” Jennifer Dooley, Ensible’s somewhat mannish next-door neighbor told The Free Mess.

“It’s totally changed everything. I mean, our lives are completely different now that Les has solved the energy crisis for us,” she said.

How they think bike vs suv worksEnsible, who normally drives a Honda SUV to work, has started riding his bicycle instead.

“It saves a lot of gas. Now I only take the car when I’m going out of town, or getting a lot of groceries or something,” Ensible explained to The Free Mess. “Otherwise, I walk or ride my bike.”

Experts from around the world are baffled by the complexity of Ensible’s theories, and have proposed a long-term study of his methods.

“This is the most breathtaking scientific insight I’ve ever come across. It will take years to understand,” said Vlugen Boorschwit, the Nobel Prize-winning physicist, and lead researcher of the Berlin Harmonium and Oil Institute’s energy program (and pretzel manufactory.)

“In the meanwhile, we can only hope that the price of petrol will come down.”

Ensible has agreed to help the scientists understand his theories, in the hope that the rest of the world will benefit from his insight.

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop are also filled with genius.

Economies of Despair: Promoting Books with Blogs

By on May 23, 2008 in But is it art?

Venn Diagram showing economy of despair

Update:

This little Venn Diagram satire was noticed by Sheila at Gawker yesterday, and some self-satisfied, sanctimonious, humorless dork took it upon himself (I’m assuming MisterHippity is male) to correct the “inaccuracy” of my diagram. I’ll admit to not being an expert at creating Venn diagrams, and I sometimes get stumped on those little math quizzes you find when you need to verify you are a human being. However, I can read. And this is a powerful tool.

Having a look through the comments, it’s actually quite funny. He clearly understands the diagram I drew, yet was unable to perceive its humorous intent. You, dear alert readers, will also notice that MrHippity (who clearly isn’t) did not actually recreate the original diagram, because the original third (tiny, anguish-inducing circle) reads: “People who buy books written by bloggers.” (Not “read” as his diagram indicates.)

Here’s his “correct” version:
correct venn diagram of despair

Of course, if this was more truthy, there would be no need for despair, because then promoting a book with a blog would be no problem. I think my version is way funnier. (Plus it has pretty colors and a nice font.)

I will let you be the judge.

Neither this source of humor, nor this one are sanctimonious, though there may be some self-satisfaction going on.

I See Dead People[‘s Books]

By on May 23, 2008 in Hinky History

zombie chickens join a book clubYou’ll find an impressive list of the libraries of such ex-humans as Hemingway, Samuel Johnson, Marie Antoinette, and of course, Mozart, at LibraryThing.

This link comes via the Very Short List, which says of the social bookworm site: “While browsing, you may discover some excellent books you hadn’t heard of (like Aboard the Flying Swan, by Stanley A. Wolper, found in Ernest Hemingway’s library). Also, by peeking at the titles in a dead person’s library, you’ll get fresh insight into his or her intellectual nooks and crannies — sure, we more or less get why Aspects of Chinese Painting, by Alan Priest, was found in e. e. cummings’s library, but Machiavelli’s The Prince in Tupac’s library? Who knew?”

The other day I had a neighbor over looking at my library (which is pretty modest compared to Hemmingway’s, but kick-ass if you compare it to that of James Joyce — I’m not necessarily making any writing comparisons here, by the way, it’s just the facts). So, the neighbor says, “do you mind if you look at your books?”

Mind? I practically insist. I addition to housing some of the books I have read (I don’t keep everything I buy, and I also — ahem, — will occasionally do something really antiquated like visit a library and borrow a book) there is a nice little catalog of stuff that I’m in the process of reading. The aforementioned James Joyce, for example. I’ve been working on Ulysses for several years. I seem to get stuck somewhere around page thirty. I’ve also not read the copy of Cicero’s “On the Good Life”, though I have actually read Marcus Aurelius’s “Meditations” and Plato’s “Republic”, which come in the same nice set. Plato was a proto-Fascist, by the way. I get the feeling that I could have a beer with Marcus Aurelius, you know, if he wasn’t an ex-human.

I’ve yet to even crack the cover on Gibbon’s “The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire” yet, and to my great shame, I’ve yet to read Primo Levi’s “If This Is Man.” (Not that I’m making any connection between the two.)

I guess my library is a work in progress. Much like me really. It represents some of the books I’ve read and absorbed, yet it also represents the book nerd that I yearn to be. Perhaps it is just intellectual posturing.

What does your library say about you? Does it say anything at all? Why am I asking all these questions?

Does a link to humor-blogs.com and alltop at the end of every post mean something too I wonder? Oh my God I can’t stop asking questions! You should definitely check out the site where I got the cartoon for more savage chicken goodness.

Still looking for entries for the Carnival of Satire

By on May 21, 2008 in General Skwib

Anyone who enjoys satire, and has a source for the pure stuff, please send along a link for next week’s Carnival of Satire. Believe it or not, it will be the 100 th edition! Let me know your blog as well as the URL of the satire you’re recommending. It’s okay if it’s your own, but only those who selflessly promote someone else’s work will get a chance to win a copy of THE AMADEUS NET. (And if you’ve already bought a copy, we’ll figure something out.) You can use the form here at BlogCarnival, or just email the details to skwib@markarayner.com (please put “Carnival of Satire submission” in the subject line). The deadline is next Wednesday evening.

And yes, for those of you paying attention, this is delayed by another week. I’d like to see this be a really good one.

While you’re waiting for the Satire to arrive, perhaps you will be happy with Insanities.

Naturally, all the bloggers, readers and hangers-on at humor-blogs.com and alltop are invited.

Ask General Kang: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?

By on May 21, 2008 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangYes, yes I have. I have also accepted Buddha, Jaweh, Allah, Vishnu, Krishna, Thor, Lugh, Zarathustra, Zakar, Zeus … all the “Z” gods are cool. Did you know that Zhang-Guolao — one of the eight immortals in China — had a magic donkey that he could fold up like a piece of paper? Is that cool or what!

I could have used a magic donkey during the Long Retreat on Sblismar XII — man, did we get our butts kicked in that war. However, eventually I discovered that a foot fungus found on a certain planet inhabited by other primates would let me control the Sblismarians’ minds, so that ended the fighting.

But I digress. Before I came to conquer Earth and discovered its excellent fungi, I’d never heard of religion. It’s something you humans have invented. Of all the species in all the worlds that I’ve become overlord of, yours is the only one that has the god groove.

You’ve got more religions than I’ve got parasites in my lower intestine.

But I dig them all (the religions, not the parasites).

Except for Scientology. That L. Ron Hubbard knew jack squat about aliens, particularly evil alien tyrants like his “Xenu”. (As if any autocrat would go to the expense of transporting people to Earth for execution in spaceships that look like DC-8s… I mean, that’s what Trigladian Gut Worms are for … it’s just silly.)

So, yes. Christ? Yes!

Next week: Do you have a decent recipe for peanut-butter chocolate-chip cookies? Also, how does one get into the Galactic Overlord business?

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop also have parasites in their lower intestines.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides: The Ultimate Pyramid Scheme (Part 5.1)

By on May 20, 2008 in The Lost PowerPoints

The Lost PowerPoint SlidesThe ancient Egyptians were famous for taking the concept of “work” and the mysterious burial chamber to new heights (and depths), when they began building massive edifices they called “pyramids”.

Though initially it was thought these were sophisticated storage receptacles for a variety of mummified sweetmeats, it turns out that they were in fact a form of political propaganda.

In either case, whether they were constructed to later enable Bud Abbott’s cinematic career, or if they were created to show posterity how seriously kick-ass the Pharohs were, there were certainly side effects. The most serious, at the time, was the pressure it put on the economy responsible for work motivation. Today, this has morphed into something called “human resources”, but back in the Pharoh’s day it was a much less complicated affair, something called Khufu’s Productivity Pyramid:

Khufu's Modest Burial Chamber

These fine websites provide humorous whippings daily.