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Professor Quippy: One step closer to the monkey singularity

By on June 2, 2008 in Monkeys!, Odd Science

Professor QuippyScientists had a major breakthrough in the quest to achieve the technological singularity last week, as researchers at the University of Pittsburgh demonstrated robotic-armed killer monkeys.

Actually, they were using the robotic arms to eat bits of banana and marshmallows (the monkeys, not the scientists). According to the New Scientist: “The feat marks the first time a brain-controlled prosthetic limb has been wielded to perform a practical task.”

The rhesus monkeys were trained to use the arms with a joystick, and then their arms were restrained and they had to use their brains to control the devices. One of the monkeys was successful 61 percent of the time, and would often reach for another treat while he was chewing on the one he just got. (And with a 39 percent failure rate, I can see why. Poor little bugger was probably starving — not to mention a complete lack of protein in his diet.)

Robotic Pirate MonkeyNo word yet on what happened on those occasions when the treat did not get into the mouth of the monkey, but Rufus, the less successful at using the arms, was seen wandering the University of Pittsburg campus with an eye patch.

Getting us closer to the pirate singularity. (Pictured at right.)

You can read the story at the New Scientist Tech blog. More things accomplished by monkeys can be found here and here. Details about the Technological Singularity [wiki] are best ignored. Video evidence to follow:

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Ask General Kang: I’ve heard that one of the first things women check out is your footwear. What if I wear sandals?

By on May 30, 2008 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangWow, this is a tough one. First of all, I don’t put anything on my feet, so I’m not really sure what this “footwear” concept is all about. (Don’t be fooled by my picture, those boots were added with Photoshop.)

However, I do know a little something about the human female, from hours of observation and from my own (ahem) extensive experience with females of my own species.

They’re probably trying to figure out how much money you make. Human females seem to be primarily concerned with money and power rather than attractiveness, so they are probably not making an aesthetic judgment on your shoes. That’s what this “footwear” is called, right, shoes?

My advice would be to wear something made out of solid gold or platinum or perhaps something studded with diamonds and other gems. The shinier and gaudier the better. Don’t leave any room for her make a mistake. Ensure that she knows you are loaded.

Or you could go with the “shock and awe” option and purchase some jet-propelled clogs armed with tactical nukes (and it probably wouldn’t hurt if they were studded with jewels and a few rotating knives).

Or, it might be a sex thing. Get extra large shoes, just in case that’s it.

And for Klugnar’s sake, dump the Jesus boots!

Next time: I think my boyfriend is cheating on me with some kind of alien space-bimbo. What can I do to win him back?

Humor-blogs is hardly an alien space-bimbo, though we’re not sure about Alltop yet. Neither wear shoes.

Carnival of Satire (#100)

By on May 29, 2008 in Carnival of Satire

Carnival of Satire (#100)Congratulations to Madeleine Begun Kane for being the ONLY PERSON to send someone else’s satire to this 100th edition. And it’s a great piece, by Rickey Henderson. Strap on your dusty fedora and get ready to whip up some laughter as you peruse: A Memo from the Office of Steven R. Lawlor, CPA, to Indiana Jones .

And while you’re wiping the tears out of your eyes, check out Mad’s latest satirical limerick: George Who???.

Dem reports on the more sober Today’s the Day the Teddybears Have Their Annual Company-Wide Meeting.

Chris Cameron believes the Beatles Were Just Another Hair Band. Get ready for the hate email Chris.

C. Fraser has some Canadian satire in his continuing series on Canadian Mystery: What is Burried on Oak Island?.

El Burro is amused by the CBS Purchase of Bleeding-Edge Company CNET. Is color tele-vision to follow?.

Brent Diggs has learned why so many web designers are slightly mad as he explores The Harsh Demands of Internet Explorer.

The Whited Sepulchre presents Hillary On The Night Shift .

Thad Guy presents New Zealand & The Curse of Natural Resources

Renal Failure presents Forty ounces of denounce

And in the not satire, but it’s included category, O. Daille Nation-Ashley presents Legal Thriller Style Scam Classic: The Enron Implosion O.Daille also plays well with others, and submitted someone else’s post. You can find an amusing article written by this generous soul about the paucity of gruntled lawyers here.

And that’s it for the 100th edition. A copy of The Amadeus Net will be on the way to Mad and O.Daille for being good sports. We’ll be back to the usual..ish format in two weeks with the 101st edition. Still wondering what satire is? Someone wrote something about it once, we think. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here and here if you explore a bit. A special thanks to macieklew for his hung-out-to-dry teddy bear pic.

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Baboon-Washing Club Rules

By on May 28, 2008 in Monkeys!, Parody & Satire

Image of angry baboon in water

  1. You do not talk about baboon-washing club.
  2. You do not talk about baboon-washing club.
  3. If someone says “stop,” goes limp, or gets infected by a new virulent strain of baboon-born ebola, the baboon-wash is over.
  4. Only two guys to a baboon.
  5. One baboon at a time.
  6. No shirts, no shoes, no tetanus shots.
  7. Baboon-washes go on as long as they have to.
  8. If this is your first night at baboon-washing club, you have to wash a baboon.

Inspired by:Fight Club, Alltop and all the Baboons at Humor-blogs.com.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides: Trojans and Triremes– It’s All Greek to Everyone! (Part 6.1)

By on May 27, 2008 in The Lost PowerPoints

The Lost PowerPoint SlidesMany historians consider Ancient Greece to be a seminal culture, from which the foundation of Western Civilization sprung. A small group of non-conformists believe that seminal culture is something that should only be used during in vitro fertilization. Humor bloggers just giggle at the mention of the word “seminal”.

In any case, if you were alive in the years from 500 BC to about 146 BC, then Greece was the place to be. You also would have been fabulously old, and probably incapable of enjoying Greece’s many fine pastimes, such as philosophy, drama, hanging with your hoplite buddies, or a variety of activities with olives. (Some of them illegal nowadays.)

This time period is often broken up in to two periods, the Classical, and the Soft-Rock period (also known as the Hellenistic period).

Classical Greece

Prior to this time period, the Greek city-state had developed; these city-states were ruled by kings, tyrants and oligarchies. An oligarchy was a kind of large-headed pirate that owned land, slaves and enormous bronze helmets. The most powerful oligarchy was in Sparta, which was renowned for its powerful warriors, cruel child-rearing practices, and a susceptibility to sore necks. While the Spartans were at the masseuse, the city of Athens developed a new method of ruling, which they called democracy (though only a small number of male citizens were allowed to vote, no matter how big their heads were.)

These city-states existed not only in Greece itself, but in Asia Minor, or what is now the Aegean coast of Turkey. This area was called Ionia, and the Persian Emperor, Darius the Great, thought it would be nice to own, so he did. (According to Darius’ younger brother, Whinius, he always taking things without asking.) When the Ionian Greeks rebelled, the Greek Greeks (in Athens and a few other cities in Greece) supported them. Then Darius thought it would be nice to own Greece too.

Darius wasn’t all bad — he was one of the few ancient rulers to ban slavery, but this didn’t help him invade Greece. The Persians landed their fleet at a place called Marathon, which is about 25 miles from Athens. Knowing the large-headed pirates of Sparta were excellent soldiers, the Athenians sent a runner to ask for their help, a round-trip jog of nearly 300 miles, which the messenger, a long-legged freak of nature named Pheidippides did in three days. We celebrate this magnificent feat of athletics by strapping on running shoes (often named after the Greek Goddess of Victory, Nike), and clogging the streets of Boston during their annual short constitutional run:

the first marathon

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop like to do “things” with olives.