You got it, the COTV is up and running. This week, there are awards!
Big Brother is not only watching, he’s watching the temperature of your naughty bits
MONTREAL (The Skwib) — A new invention has helped employers create the first “inappropriate thought” sensor.
Based on recent sexual studies showing that women get aroused as quickly as men, the invention measures the temperature of an employee’s genital area. The thermal imaging camera can measure temperature changes from a distance and relay the information to a computer for analysis.
Its patent name is “Portable and Hidden Device for Thermal Imaging of Genital Areas”, but the inventor, Dr. Shabby Fingler, calls it the “Chubby Detector”.
Though many companies are known for watching the content of employees’ email, instant messages, blogs, and web browsing, this new device is a major breakthrough.
“I’ve already had more than thirty Fortune 500 companies order the Chubby Detector,” Dr. Fingler told The Skwib. “There is a great deal of interest in monitoring employee’s sexual behavior and thoughts.”
Monetary benefits paid out to victims of sexual harassment are roughly $50 million per year, not to mention the costs of litigation and managerial time spent on such cases, so companies are motivated to prevent the behavior.
“People should assume that everything they do at work is being monitored, whether it be through e-mail, instant messages, websites, Internet, everything,†warns David Zweig, a University of Toronto professor who conducts research on workplace surveillance.
Dr. Fingler is excited about the breakthrough, and is thinking of other new inventions that may be “helpful”.
“I’m working on this camera that detects bad thoughts about managers, but for some reason every time I test it, the darned thing bursts into flames,” he said.
Inspired by:
Beware the walls have ears | Women become sexually aroused as quickly as men | Thermal image by Gezelle (sorry)
Toulouse Le Grandfig: Rasputin II
Okay Sheila, just relax.
Gaze into my eyes: You will eat grubs. You will eat grubs. You will eat — wait, no, no, forget that about the grubs.
You find swarthy, hirsute aboriginals sexually irresistible.
You find swarthy, hirsute aboriginals sexually irresistible.
Thankful for Carnivals!
Happy Thanksgiving all! Here are a few carnivals to peruse while we digest turkey:
The Devil’s Dictionary: The Skwib Updates: P
P
PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
The Skwib Update
PATRIOTISM, n. See The Devil’s Dictionary. Also, the second, third and fourth choice, and especially pervasive around election time.
Thursday O-Rama
Some afternoon reading, assuming you’ve already exhausted the possibilities of the Carnival of Satire.
First off, the big kahuna, The Carnival of the Vanities, now edited for your pleasure.
Don’t forget to check out the Carnival of Crazy, and while you’re feeling medically inclined, perhaps you’ll enjoy the Grand Rounds as well (the first time we’ve appeared in this carnival.)
And though it isn’t our first appearance, it is unexpected, as we did not submit anything to it this time around. So thanks to Rob for including us in his edition of the History Carnival, the Patahistorical Carnival. As usual his stuff is, as they say in the UK, “brill”.
Finally, while our minds are rooting around the subject of things British, may we also suggest you have a look at United By Yucca — a site with some fine and funny writing.