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Professor Quippy: Hey tough guy, coffee makes you a pussy!

By on June 6, 2006 in Odd Science, Parody & Satire

Professor QuippyRecent research from the University of Queensland in Brisbane may make you reconsider your morning routine, particularly if you’re a tough guy.

It turns out, the caffeine makes you more likely to agree with others’ views. And it’s not because the java puts you in a better mood. It’s because you think better with a dose of caffeine, so you can understand other people’s reasoning. So all you Clint Eastwood-types, stop with the morning java and try some fruit juice.

On the other hand, perhaps there’s some kind of way we can slip a little caffeine into the water of our legislative assemblies, parliaments, etc. More reasonable politicians? Naw, even coffee couldn’t fix that.

Inspired by: Drinking coffee makes you more open-minded

Irony police arrest elderly couple

By on June 5, 2006 in But is it art?, Skwibby fiction

Van crashes into front of safe driving school.HAMILTON, ON (The Skwib) — Though badly shaken by the accident itself, George and Eustasia Miopia were even more shocked when they were arrested by the irony police.

After a severe beating with wet noodles, the irony cops charged them with several misdemeanors (including a citation for having a silly last name) and one felony.

They will appear in court next Tuesday to defend themselves against the serious charge of dangerously ironic driving, having crashed their van into the front window of the Say Dez! School of Safe Driving.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Marquis de Sade Edition)

By on June 2, 2006 in The Lost PowerPoints

Marquis de SadeMarquis de Sade presents “My Earlier Years” (circa 1763) –> slide 2

  • educated by uncle, an Abbé
  • (he was later arrested in a brothel)
  • of course, went to Jesuit lycée myself
  • (all the best libertines are Jesuits).

Marquis de Sade presents “The Happy Times” (circa 1763-1777) –> slide 3

  • repeatedly abused servants (sexually, naturellement)
  • wife helped
  • went to Italy
  • escaped from the Fortress of Miolans
  • good times!

Jacque The Screw presents “Right Bastard” (circa 1778) –> (slide 3)

  • he was one of the prisoners at Vincennes dungeon
  • under death sentence for sodomy
  • tricked his way out of it
  • he kept pissing on my boots when I stood to close to his cell!

Citzen Sade presents “Literary Thoughts” (circa 1791) –> slide 2

  • Social order at the expense of liberty is hardly a bargain.
  • Now, pass me that riding crop.

Citizen Sade presents “Literary Thoughts” (circa 1793) –> slide 3

  • if you judge from notions expounded by theologians:
  • one must conclude that God created most men simply with a view to crowding hell
  • now where did I put that butter?

Sade presents “My Time in Charenton Asylum” (circa 1812) –> slide 6

  • the director here lets me put on my plays
  • and carry on with thirteen-year-old Madeleine Leclerc
  • he does not run a Euclidian prison but a clitian one.

Last will and testament of Sade (circa 1814) –> slide 1

  • imperious, choleric, irascible, extreme in everything
  • a dissolute imagination the like of which has never been seen
  • atheistic to the point of fanaticism
  • there you have me in a nutshell
  • oh, and the sodomy.

‘Inspired’ by: b-day of Marquis de Sade (June 2, 1740)

Don’t Eat It Ross! Episode One: Cthulu Insanity Peppers

By on June 1, 2006 in But is it art?, Odd Science

by Ross, guest columnist and gastronomic daredevil

This just arrived direct from Pittsburgh. My girlfriend’s parents bought them for me. Normally, my palate would be intrigued by the idea of sweet peppers stuffed with prosciutto and provolone. However, in jar form, the concept is somewhat different (if not downright disturbing).

1) Side view: Somewhat interesting. Mostly benign.
peppers, side view

2) Bottom view: To quote The Skwire (Mark): Usually this is the last thing you see. Then something really bad happens.

peppers, bottom view

Later:
After much deliberation, and ignoring the pleas for my safety, I have decided to sample the ominous-looking “Banana Pepper Shooters” from Pittsburgh.

Pic 1 – The peppers in their glory.

peppers in their glory

Pic 2 – There was no reassuring ‘pop’ sound of the vacuum seal breaking. I am starting to get concerned. The smell emanating from the jar can only be described as similar to snorting a pickled egg off the floor of a vinegar factory. My nose hairs singe…

no pop sound
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