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Pinterized and Carnivalized

By on December 8, 2005 in General Skwib

A slew of traffic to The Skwib today, courtesy of Harold Pinter’s controversial comments about the war in Iraq and this post from when his Nobel was announced: First draft of Harold Pinter’s Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech. Give ’em hell Harold!

Also, there is the Carnival of Comedy today, hosted by the lovely blonde sagacity, who has wisely realized that what she finds funny other people might not, and vice versa.

I would also like to thank Mensa Barbie for her perfectly indecipherable comments. Visit her website though — it’s a coherent pleasure.

Carnival of Satire #12

By on December 8, 2005 in Carnival of Satire

Carnival of Satire #12 -- image of gorilla smokingWow, great posts for this week’s Carnival of Satire, including a few swipes at politically correct language, which we dislike almost as much as state-sanctioned religion. Enjoy!

But to start, an investigation is underway here at The Skwib to discover how we missed this story, reported by Kid Various at The Idiom: Simian Sexual Harassment Suit Settled. We predict a rash of spit-takes from this one. You have been warned!

The Evil Emperor Mindstation at Point Five takes us on a sly and satirical joyride in Parents Groups Protest Video Game F.E.A.R..

Mr. Right at The Right Place takes the whole politically correct “festive season” thing waaay too far with Presenting: The DNC’s “Sounds of the Season”

Adam at Adam’s Blog keeps us in the Christmas holiday celebratory spirit with ACLU Names New Chairman

To round out the topic, you may have missed our own reportage on these holiday harms in Druids, pagans protest naming of tree.

Jerking us violently away from the topic of Christmas, Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents the TNOYF Interview With Jeffrey Dahmer, a piece that gives him very high ranking for Google searches containing both “Welcome Back Kotter” and “necrophiliac”.

Bob at either orr explains a lot when he presents Aliens occupy top Democrats. Continue Reading →

Dr. Tundra enters a bar …

By on December 7, 2005 in General Skwib, Parody & Satire

Dr. Tundra enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender, with great drink-making and conversational algorithms, but no facial or voice-recognition software.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared Peyote Sling, and then asks him: “What’s your IQ?” Tundra replies “150” and the robot proceeds to make conversation about quantum physics and spirituality, chaos and environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and the sexual proclivities of the common earthworm.

Tundra is impressed.

He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.

Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink — this time a Viking Fizz — and asks him, “What’s your IQ?” Tundra responds, “about a 100.” Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, hockey, baseball, supermodels, brands of beer, guns, and women’s breasts.

Really impressed, Tundra leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

“Er, 60, I think,” Tundra slurs.

And the robot asks … real slowly…

“So…………… ya gonna vote for the Liberals again?”

Inspired by:
Stolen email from Dave Duncan, who got it from somewhere else, I’m sure.

Elections Canada introduces new youth voting strategy

By on December 7, 2005 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Young woman with kitchen knife and groucho glasses (with eyebrows)OTTAWA (The Skwib) — Hoping to increase the number of young Canadians voting, Elections Canada has introduced the Crazy Dolores campaign.

“Yes, our research shows that youth are disengaged from the political process, and it doesn’t matter how many cool websites we launch, they will not be influenced by such positive efforts,” Dr. Jennifer Temptress told The Skwib, as she took off her glasses and arched an eyebrow.

Statistics show that young voters are just as likely to be engaged with other alternative political activities as their older peers, but much less likely to connect with the traditional political process.

“So we’ve decided to frighten them into voting,” Temptress told The Skwib, as she licked her lips and smiled.

The Crazy Dolores campaign is designed to scare the crap out of young voters into turning up to the polls.

In addition to the ad campaign showing Crazy Dolores stabbing apathetic youth with a large Elections Canada kitchen knife, there is a guerilla marketing component as well.

“Yes, do you remember coolhunters? Well, we’re doing the same kind of thing,” Temptress said, as she loosened her hair bun, and shook her long, blond hair. “We’ve hired thousands of young women, and have outfitted them with Groucho Glasses — yes the kind with eyebrows — and they will be randomly attacking youth with their knives.”

“They’re fake knives of course, but they will produce a real electric shock and coat victims with fake blood,” Temptress explained as she took off her lab coat.

Then the Dolores will say, “vote or next time it will be a real knife!”

When asked if this new campaign was too extreme, Temptress said, “I don’t think so. Do you?” As she started to unbutton her blouse it was clear the interview was over.

Inspired by:
Predictable rituals | | Original photo by DerrickT

Wednesday-O-Rama

By on December 7, 2005 in General Skwib

First off, the Carnival of the Vanities (the ur-carnival) is up at some blog with a moose on it.

If you’re interested in Canada, you may want to check out The Economist’s take on the country. We’re still “cool” but much less than the last time they looked at us.

And how would you like to be killed for cheese? Cue Sean Cullen: “And the food of your choice will end your life tonight. Yes, the food of your choice, will end your liiiife.”