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Europe fears a furry blitzkrieg

By on October 24, 2005 in Odd Science, Parody & Satire

Photo of raccoon wearing swastikaKASSEL, Germany (The Skwib) — Nazi raccoons have swept through the German woodlands like so many divisions of panzers, and now, they have started taking over the cities.

“Yes, they were introduced by Hermann Göring in the 30s, and have laid low until now,” Burkhard Kuester, Deputy Minister of Natural Resources and Tourism (MNRT) told The Skwib. “But they have started to take over our cities. Kassel is theirs, and Frankfurt will be next.”

Despite efforts to control the jackbooted pests, their numbers have grown, possibly because of support from many Germans.

“We think the raccoons are just great. I mean, they’re cute, and I like their moxy,” Heinrich Fuchs said, visiting Kassel for the first Raccoon Rally planned by the National Raccoon party. “I hope they do take over Frankfurt next. They have promised to sort out our problem with other pests, and I for one welcome it.”

Other residents of Frankfurt are not as sanguine about the possibility of swarms of swastika-bedecked Procyon lotor eating their garbage and ruling all of Europe.

“I remember the 30s,” pensioner Ingeborg Baader and longtime resident of Kassel said. “We missed our chance in Kassel, but the rest of the country should fight them while they can.”

It may already be too late. Hundreds of thousands of the bandit-faced carnivores have been spotted in Luxembourg, Belgium, France and the Czech Republic.

Inspired by:
Nazi Raccoons on the March in Europe

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Age of the Universe Edition)

By on October 23, 2005 in The Lost PowerPoints

image of galaxiesIn 17th century, James Ussher (Primate of Ireland) presents: 6000 years, give or take (slide 2)

  • So, first day of Creation was October 23, 4004 BC.
  • That means Great Flood was 2348 BC.
  • If only we could get this included in King James version of the Bible, then everyone would know it.

In pre-Columbian Palenque, Jerry the Shaman presents the sacred text “Popol Vuh” (slide 13)

  • Earth created or August 13, 3114 BC (long count: 13.0.0.0.0)
  • Next time long count is at 13.0.0.0.0 is Dec. 21, 2012
  • Don’t worry, that’s a Bactun; the end of universe is October 13, 4772.

In 1927, Jesuit priest Georges Lemaître presents Le Grand Boom-Boom (slide 3)

  • derived the Friedmann-Lemaître-Robertson-Walker equations
  • the recession of spiral nebulae shows the universe began with the “explosion” of a “primeval atom”
  • therefore Le Grand Boom-Boom.

Alternate History Fridays: After Nelson

By on October 21, 2005 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Turner's painting of the Battle of TrafalgarCaptain Vernon Hawser studied his charts in the grand cabin of his ship, The Endurance, and wondered if he would ever have the chance to be a hero the way Lord Neslon had been.

After Vice-Admiral Calder’s disaster at Trafalgar (20 ships-of-the-line sunk or captured when he lost the weather gage to Villeneuve’s fleet) it had been up to his hero. Lord Nelson, his ship the HMS Victory, and a stripped down squadron of 11 other ships managed to prevent Napoleon’s invasion of England.

Nelson’s brilliance had saved England at the Battle of Portland, savaging Villeneuve’s fleet, and turning the invasion force back to the Continent. A great victory. And a close one too.

Hawser had a thought. What if Nelson’s ship hadn’t been damaged in the early hurricane in the Caribbean? What if he’d been in command at Trafalgar, with a much bigger fleet than at Portland. That would have been a rum thing!

His executive officer knocked and came in his cabin, “the Ambassador has arrived, Captain. Would you like to show him on board?” Continue Reading →

Carnival of Satire #5

By on October 20, 2005 in Carnival of Satire

The Carnival of SatireWelcome to The Skwib and the fifth Carnival of Satire! We’ll get straight to the satire and humor, and forgo the usual happy talk.

To open up this week’s carnival, we have The Assimilated Negro (TAN Man) at The Assimilated Negro, who breaches an uncomfortable subject, and induces uncomfortable silence with Breaking News: Tough Guy Wonders What Male Friends Are Thinking.

Tommy at Striving For Average is anything but in this lampoon of the Dean of Scream in, The Magic Finger.

Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face made us larf out with Bush Opens Up Michael Moore’s Strategic Oil Reserves.

Hazzard at Everybody Loves Your Money wins the satire-in-waiting award this week for Need to save some money? Here are some Ideas. This is so close, we had to include it.

REAL Teen at Real Teen- Right on the Right announces that Right on the Right will start a Satire Press.

TAN Man at The Assimilated Negro sends a second installment of satire with, Go Ahead Steal My Identity, Please .

General Kang was extremely worried to see that Vox Poplar at Vox Poplar Is right About Everything & Don’t You Forget It! is starting his own advice column: ASK UNCLE VOX.

TekTak F. Mechanoid at The MoxArgon Group presents the best of inter-galactic punditry with Point/Counterpoint #3: Judging Pets and Pets that Judge

Mr. Right at The Right Place presents Ronnie Earle Indicts Much of Texas on Conspiracy Charges

Ferdinand T. Cat at Conservative Cat presents Another Spam Tragedy

a4g at Point Five gives us what can only be called razor-sharp satire in From The Rubble, A Tale Of Faith.

Brandon Bibb at Grapevine’s Sports Ramblings takes the next logical step in Stern Institutes Maximum Hair Length Code.

And wrapping up the Carnival of Satire this week, we have Don Surber at Don Surber who presents a great spoof of the Washington Post in Karl Rove’s Garage Stage Managed. Thag suggested that perhaps the oil stain they saw on Rove’s garage floor was in fact a bit of the strategic reserves in Michael Moore that spilled. That Thag. He may be a caveman, but he’s sharp.

See you next week, when we will (for sure) announce the first winner of the Swift Award.

Remember you can submit here with this handy form, and the COS is listed at the Ubercarnival, and at the Blog Carnival.

Who invited Jean Canada to the party?

By on October 19, 2005 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Lady Denmark Cordially Invites and cigarLady Denmark was thrilled to host the annual gathering of the world’s richest. She had been chosen to host for two reasons — her housekeeping staff, who kept the Denmark mansion impeccably clean, and because she was so trustworthy.

She wasn’t as honest as Jennifer Iceland, nor as honest as that leggy blonde bombshell, Lola Finland, but Lady Denmark was known to be almost as upright as Bob Zealand. (Bob was a bit of a slob, but otherwise an okay sort.)

The novel entertainment was put on by a group of children from some nation that she’d never heard of — probably poor as dirt — but they could dance really well. Then a string quartet on loan from that lovely Lord Sweden started playing. Drinks were served, and the glitterati enjoyed the evening; laughter and the buzz of cultured conversation filled the air.

Then Jean Canada arrived. You could tell because the stench of cigarette smoke preceded him. He gazed over the crowd with bloodshot eyes, and they settled on her.

“Oh dear,” she whispered to Jennifer, “He’s coming over here.” Lady Denmark and Jean had once been good friends, but he’d really let himself go in the last few years, and they’d been fighting about a footstool he’d once given her.

Jean Canada slumped his way over, ash dripping from his cigarette all over Lady Denmark’s once-immaculate carpet. He was a bit drunk, and weaved a between the revelers. Then Gunter Germany distracted him. Gunter was dressed in an impressive Italian suit, and groomed to perfection, but everybody knew you couldn’t trust him. He pulled Jean into a conversation, clearly conducting some kind of shady business deal.

Oh thank god, thought Lady Denmark. If Gunter kept him occupied, the evening wouldn’t be a total bust. At least Jacque Belgium had sent his regrets.

Then she heard the boom-box, smelled the hideously unrefined stench of cigar smoke, and she knew the party was ruined.

Uncle Sam had decided to come after all.

Inspired by:
Suzuki pollution rankings — Canada 28 of 30 | Transparency International corruption index — Canada slips to 14 of 17 | Cigar by darkripper Continue Reading →