Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

René Magritte: Merchant Banker Masters His Mental Powers at Walton-on-the-Naze

image of Rene Magritte's Son of Man

While an art historian will tell you this 1964 painting is called “The Son of Man”, and is meant to be a meditation on what is hidden in the visible world, they are of course, hiding the dreadful truth.

Since the early days of the 20th century, Britain’s merchant bankers have controlled the world economy through their prodigious mental powers. A favourite training ground for this activity was the Essex seaside resort of Walton-on-the-Naze, mostly because of the heavy absurdium deposits in the region, but also because of the lovely beach and nice weather.

Absurdium, as all psionic adepts know, greatly enhances even the most latent mental powers, and so, The Ancient Order of Merchant Bankers would send all their most promising members to enhance and train their abilities. They could only graduate when they could perform the “apple in the eye” trick, pictured here. While this may seem like a simple bit of levitation, you will note that the banker’s left arm is now bent backwards at the elbow.

Not pictured: the beach filled with non-banker holidaymakers bursting into flames, though Magritte does allude to this horror by filling the sunny sky with dark, human-smudge clouds.

Naturally, the Ancient Order no longer uses this ritual, and since discovering the derivative and credit-default swaps, it appears as though its members’ prodigious mental powers have largely disappeared.

You can find more Famous Paintings with SF Titles here.

Alltop loves the derivative! Originally published December 2010.

Ask General Kang: Is it a correction? Please tell me it’s just a correction! Should I sell?

Ask General  KangYep, there’s nothing trickier to manipulate than a system based on fear and greed.

You humans should consider changing your approach to markets. Back on my home planet, I changed our stock market system to take most of the greed out of it, and increased the amount of fear.

How, you ask?

Simple. On a day like yesterday, anyone who managed to grab a profit out of the mass hysteria would be in big trouble.

How big, you ask?

Well, depending on the size of the profit, the traders could expect anything from a visit from Dave the Angry Rhesus monkey (armed with a pain stick and wet noodles), to being body-shaved, covered with nougat, and dropped into one of several nests of Parventian Rough-Tongued Terror Beasts.

So, on a day like yesterday, the question changes from: “can I make a profit out of the hysteria” or “should I sell and save myself” to “DARE I sell to make a profit/save myself.”

Next time: I believe in love after love — is that wrong?

Alltop used to room with Dave the Angry Rhesus monkey in college. Originally published in February , 2007.

The Marvellous Kindle Giveaway

Win a KindleI’m giving away one Kindle when my mailing list reaches 500!

How to Enter:

  1. Just join my newsletter, The MonkeySphere, and you’ll be entered in the draw. (Click on the link or fill out the form to the right.)

How to Enter Twice & Three Times:

  1. Buy Marvellous Hairy (paperback) (Kindle edition) and/or The Amadeus Net (Kindle).
  2. Forward your confirmation email from Amazon to me at marvellouskindle -at – gmail.com.

Full details are available at the Marvellous Kindle Giveaway page.

Alltop hopes to appear on Kindle some day.

The five second rule

zenball It was the best game of zenball ever, and the crowd was wild with excitement: the whisper of butterfly wings was deafening.

The Rotrovra Koan Kangaroos had just scored their first all-in kensho, and the Targenville Half-Lotus Lions replied with a double-satori. The Roos launched a full-out dharma walk, but they were unable to penetrate the Lions’ impressive grasp of paradox.

The Roos had to do something or the Lions would surely win. The hush of the field filled with the deadly susurration of arrows, as they invoked the five second rule.

Afterwards, only the voice of a bamboo flute.

Alltop is the sound of one aggregator laughing. Originally appeared on Name Your Tale, Feb. 2010. Image courtesy of h. koppdelany on Flickr.

Smurf-cutters

hanibal lector will get spongebob!Lesley Pratt was a freakin’ evil advertising genius.

In his quest to sell soap, he’d turned the shock value of bombing smurfs into a marketer’s wet dream.

He’d even coined a term for the new form of advertising: aggressive suasion. (Though they were known as “smurf-cutters” to the Madison Avenue crowd.)

And in the course of doing so, systematically terrorized an entire generations of children.

A smattering of lead-lines shows how ruthless some of his campaigns could be:

  • Buy Sugar Smacks (or Barney Gets a Visit from the Vivisectionist, just like Baby Bop)
  • Do you want TinkiWinki to die too? Then use Flogg Brand Soap Flakes.
  • Only Mommy can save SpongeBob SquarePants from Hanibal Lector — Tell Her to Buy Spangles Spaghetti!

Based on this (real) ad:

Visit Alltop or Elmo gets kneecapped! Originally published in October, 2005, long before the movie!