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Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

E-nnui

By on August 19, 2011 in Toulouse Le Grandfig

E-nnui - giant robotToto the Bio-Sphere Demolition-Bot wondered what it was all about. Did life really mean anything? There had to be more to existence then the senseless destruction of countless inhabited worlds at the bidding of his master, Dorothy Bunny Slippers and her noxious cohort of flying syphilitic space monkeys.

Maybe it was time for Toto to settle down. Find a nice Species Eradication-Borg and construct a family of Cybertronic Death-Bots equipped with plasma field generators.

Or maybe he should write a novel.

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Alltop is also feeling a little blue. Originally published December, 2008.

The love that dare not speak its name

By on August 18, 2011 in But is it art?, General Skwib, Toulouse Le Grandfig

The love that dare not ... men in contamination suits“Oh Sergei, do you think we’ll ever escape this festering plain, this landscape of ennui and emptiness, so that we can share our love as it was meant to be shared?”

“Mmphmh…mghmm…”

“What Sergei? I can’t hear you through my containment suit?”

“Mgnnnnn! Mgnnnn!”

“Oh, I love you too Sergei. Fishheads. We’ll have fishheads! And bathe our radiation sores together!”

“Gnnn!!! Gnnnn!”

Get a regular dose of radioactive prose when you sign up for The MonkeySphere. You’ll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

More awkward embraces at alltop. And for all of you who’ve already seen this, and a few of the other posts of the last few days, my apologies — I’m consumed by this novel editing thing. Originally posted November, 2009.

Catholic school

By on August 17, 2011 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Sister Mary Trenchbroom, wearing gasmaskJeremy went to a Catholic school.

There, Sister Mary Trenchbroom taught Civics and Personal Hygiene.

It’s fair to say she scarred him for life.

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Alltop has also destroyed many lives. Originally published November, 2008.

The Chair That Sat Back

By on August 16, 2011 in Skwibby fiction

Evil chair Mephistopheles relaxed after a good (evil) day’s work. He’d chalked up three witches, a magus, a handful of brick-makers who’d had too much to drink, and Michael Bay. (Boob, explosions and flash-cuts could only get you so far.)

The day’s coup had to be snagging the eternal mojo of an untalented, passive-aggressive tenured professor of Comparative Literature. Few outside the world of academia were willing to sell their souls, period, but usually they required at least world-wide fame, or in the case of the brick layers, as much beer as they could drink. That dude really wanted to be Chair of the Department.

Alltop does a lot of hellish sitting to produce funny links. Originally published on Name Your Tale, July 2009. Evil chair photo by E. Monk via Flickr.

Ask General Kang: Can you explain how international finances work?

By on August 11, 2011 in Ask General Kang

ask general kangYou must have me confused with an economist.

Perhaps it is because I have not been allowed to answer any questions on The Skwib for some time (due to an extensive run of drivel produced by that Dadaist wanker, Toulouse Le Grandfig), or perhaps it’s because you’re a typical low-intellect human. In any case, economists all fabricate the truth based on a set of assumptions. (Interestingly, the etymology of that word is based on the Latin, umptio, which means “theoretical model” and the Anglo-Saxon word, ass, which means “ass”. I will let you draw what inference you may.)

I am a much-feared Conqueror and Interstellar Overlord in my galaxy, and frankly, one of the first things I did when I came to power was feed all the economists to the Destragian Cipher-Beast. (A creature very much like your own mythical Sphinx, but instead of asking riddles it asks impenetrable questions based on encrypted versions of its own umptio, and instead strangling of its prey when they can’t answer the question, the Cipher-Beast forces its unfortunate victims to clean up its basement. Then it eats them.)

But it was not enough to get rid of the economists. No. I had to change the behavior of all political classes on my home planet Neeknaw. This was achieved through a regime of beatings with waffle-bats, and if that proved insufficient (as it did in many financial districts), liberal application of a nerve toxin which destroys the greed centers of the primate brain. (Naturally, as an autocrat I wanted to leave the fear centers intact.)

This proved effective, and having thus made the affective changes I needed to in the populace, I was free to do whatever I wanted with the planet’s resources.

These fellows seem to have a better take on your own planet’s pathetic mess called international finance:

YouTube Preview Image
Or you can find the clip here.

Next time: What is the best phrase to use when jumping into hyper-space: “make it so”, “engage” or “punch it you hairy bastard”?

Alltop studies the political economy of funny. Originally published in May, 2010.