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Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

Skin harvesting on a pretty blue planet

By on July 28, 2011 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Babies -- cute before harvestedG’lak T’ung really thought the humans were disgusting, ever since he’d been on the expedition that surveyed the pretty blue planet they inhabited.

And he certainly couldn’t imagine why so many on the Thringian home world would want to wear things made out of their skin.

But they did. Belts, mandible covers, and this year, stink-sac harnesses made out of human leather were particularly in vogue, even if a few bleeding-knark entertainers protested the fashion fad.

G’lak T’ung preferred a synthetic combat carapace, but then again, he was assigned to a harvest team in the northern quadrant of the most isolated continental mass. Though their puny human defenses had been easily overrun during the post-survey phase of their colonization, there were many humans who still had primitive slug-throwing weapons available to them. Primitive, but effective at killing the unwary Thringian skin-harvester.

G’lak doubted the Thringians who wore the skin would want to do his job. And he thought the main reason the protesters (and the wimpy gorilloids in the Euronga system) didn’t like the human skin trade, was because the best skin came from the human larvae; and of course, the only real way to get the skin without ruining it was bashing their fragile heads in.

If he was being honest, G’lak had to admit that it really bothered him when they looked up at him with their hopeless two eyes.

But then he had larvae at home that had to eat.

Ahem, some authors require sustenance too: check out one of my novels, Marvellous Hairy or The Amadeus Net.

Alltop must eat your clicks. Originally published, August 2008.

The Minkey that Stole the Pink Panther: Chief Inspector Dreyfus

By on July 27, 2011 in General Skwib

I loved the Peter Sellers Pink Panther movies, but I always thought that Herbert Lom was on the edge of stealing these movies from their purported star — and in fact does in the Revenge of the Pink Panther (1976). I remember going to see it in the theatre with my family, and my mother and I were laughing so hard at one of the scenes that an usher had to ask us to leave (I think my mom was laughing at me laughing more than the movie). We had to go to the lobby to pull it together, which I did faster than my mom. We returned in time for the dentist scene, and my mom just kind of slumped down on the floor, laughing into her coat so she didn’t have to leave again.

Spoiler alert!

If you haven’t seen any of these films, then do not watch this video. It won’t make any sense, and it will ruin your first encounter with the genius of Herbert Lom, as he does a masterful bit of comic acting. (And I also am interested HOW you’ve never seen the Pink Panther movies — and I mean the good ones, starring Peter Sellers and directed by Blake Edwards.)

This compilation includes most of the best stuff, but you should also check out the second part for the aforementioned dentist scene, and Dreyfus’s eulogy of a “dead” Clousseau. The last part of the clip includes some stuff from The Trail of the Pink Panther, which isn’t nearly as well written, so you could probably skip it.

And if you ever have an opportunity to meet me in person, ask me to do my Dreyfus impression: “Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better!”

Alltop has humor in its reoom.

Forgotten Deities: Flaccidus, The Roman God of Engineers

By on July 25, 2011 in Hinky History, Parody & Satire
Woodcut of rooster

Ancient woodcut of a rooster, the favored form of sacrifice to the Roman god, Flaccidus.

Flaccidus was a god revered during the time of the Roman Republic.

Flaccidus was a kind of angry god, but not in the Mars I’m-going-to-stab-you-with-a-spear way, but in a passive aggressive, I’m-going-to-make-your-spear-limp, kind of way. For example, if you had something that required stiffness, and Flaccidus didn’t look favorably on you, then something you would very much like to stay upright would droop at inopportune times.

Most engineers in the Roman construction industry were active worshipers of Flaccidus, and they would sacrifice to him weekly, because let’s face it, there’s nothing worse than having one of your erections fall flat. Not to mention the dangers of sinking bridges, droopy apartment buildings, and aqueducts that can’t keep it up. Naturally, our English word, flaccid, comes from this Latin root.

Interestingly, worship of Flaccidus waned in the early part of the Roman Empire, when a mystery cult devoted to a blue-faced Eastern god named Via Gara became quite popular.

Favorite form of sacrifice: a male chicken, still in the state of rigor mortis. The Romans thought that would work for some reason.

Alltop thinks it works for some reason too. Original rooster image by Antaean at Flickr. This post is based on a letter I sent to Larry Miller, about the problems he was having with his “boom mic” during his excellent podcast, This Week with Larry Miller.