Ambassador Fortinbras (left) had successfully negotiated the armistice with Lord Pequod (right), despite the fact that his second, (and he hated to admit it) large-eared head kept shouting: “Fuck You Lord Pequod! Fuck you and your silly mustache!
From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Collection.
By Mark A. Rayner
It didn’t matter what our politics were. Each member of Faculty was expected to attend the ceremony. After I cleared security, the University’s Protocol Officer grabbed me by the elbow, and asked me to join the presentation party on the stage. He registered my shock, and said, “well, we have to include our only Nobel winner in the honor party, or it would look strange. Don’t worry, the Krigveder’s people approved it, Professor Flannigan.”
Great. I was going to have to hide my disgust with the whole affair. I took my seat, thankfully in the back row.
When everyone was seated the President of Hellmuth University, a windbag at the least auspicious of times, took the opportunity to really wow us with his wooden presence. Then without fanfare a troop of soldiers took up positions in Convocation Hall, looking quite sinister in their polished black Impact Armor and toting long autopistols. The Protocol Officer announced: “Please stand for The Great Leader, Jans Midren, Krigveder of the Afrikaner Empire.”
People shuffled to their feet and Midren walked into the room. For a man in his late seventies, he looked surprisingly vital and alert. He strode purposefully to the podium, and pointedly ignored our president. Midren launched into his speech without preamble or style.
He talked about the genetic superiority of the Afrikaner people as if it was a scientific fact and not barefaced propaganda. It was revolting, the worst kind of racist ranting, yet the audience listened raptly. Midren may have been evil, but he had real charisma.
Read the rest of this story …>
We have a great carnival for you this week folks. From love advice, to naming stars, to less, uh, prosaic satire about bodily functions, there is something in here for everyone. We hope you enjoy the sixty-fifth Carnival of Satire:
The Epicurean Dealmaker has a tale of the market gone mad in Cogito, ergo whom?
On a much less philosophical note, Craig Harper has discovered the science behind the Male-Fart-Laugh-Response. Women, especially, need to read this post to understand why men are they way they are. (Stoopid.)
Madeleine Begun Kane has Valentines Day advice for the gents too.
Ahistoricality reminded us of the fine work they do over at The Satirical Political Report including this roundup of Super Bowl Ads featuring Sunni and Shia marketing.
Blue Steel at Pollyticks.com has cartoony goodness: Bush Joins Bandwagon.
Keeping with politics for the moment, Judith Withers has found George W. Bush’s Netflix Queue.
Jessica Okon has Some Land In Florida She’d Like To Sell You. She also has just named a star. We really hope that it doesn’t have a habitable planet in the system. You’ll understand when you read her post. Continue Reading →
As an aid for anyone looking to be fully informed for V-Day next week, here are some things to keep in mind.
Chocolate. No brainer, right. But this one goes deep. Bathysphere deep. This tidbit shows that half of women would rather go for the chocolate than slip between the sheets with Brad Pitt. (Scroll to the bottom.)
Clothes. On average, women would be willing to give up sex for 15 months for a new wardrobe. A small percentage are willing to abstain for three years!
Cell phones. A quarter of women would give up the nasty for a month than lose their cell phone.
A tee time at Augusta. Thirty-one percent of women would give fornication a miss for a year to hit the famous greens.
Now, let’s give this some perspective. Women may be willing to forgo it rather than do it, but men are on the opposite side of this equation. For example, 30 percent of men would be willing to give up sex for life — but only for $2 million.
According to the latest polling number, Dubya is now rushing towards the lowest popularity ever. His approval rating is 28 percent (Nixon bottomed out at 24). Proving that context is everything, Radar Online has polling that shows a few things with a higher rating:
Good news for dentists, though. Unscientific data here.