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Archive | January, 2008

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Caligula Edition)

By on January 25, 2008 in Hinky History, The Lost PowerPoints

Head of Caligula (in marble)Germanicus presents “On Campaign with My Three-Year-Old Son” (circa 15 AD) –> slide 4

  • Put him in miniature set of armor
  • Army mascot
  • They call him “Little soldier’s boots” (Caligula)
  • Isn’t he adorable?

Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (Caligula) presents “A normal childhood” (circa 35 AD) –> Slide 3

After father Germanicus died:

  • lived with mother until the Emperor Tiberius (adoptive grandfather) banished her
  • lived with adoptive great-grandmother (Livia) until she died
  • brother Nero died in exile
  • brother Drussus died in prison (either from eating bedding or starvation)
  • went to live with Tiberius on Capri
  • good times!

Pullox the fishmonger presents “A good start” (circa 37 AD) –> Only slide

  • Lots of gladiatorial games
  • Animals sacrificed
  • He’s the son Germanicus (great general that)
  • And let’s face it, after Tiberius anyone looks good!

Lollia Paulina presents “Something’s not right with that man” (circa 38 AD) –> Slide 12

  • My husband the Emperor has been acting odd since he got sick
  • I can live with the whoring
  • Excessive killings
  • But I really wish he’d stop insisting I call him “Hercules”.

Julia Agrippina (the younger) presents “My brother is a mad, mad pig” (circa 40 AD) –> Slide 2

  • Has sex with me, Drusilla and Livilla
  • Then declared us Vestal Virgins
  • Also, he thinks he’s a god
  • Dresses up like Hercules, Apollo and Venus.

Caligula presents “I’m not crazy” (circa 40 AD) –> Last slide

  • I only kill people when they upset me
  • Like, when they call me “little boots”
  • I really hate that
  • Besides, I’m a bunch of Gods, so I can do what I want
  • Now, I’m going to make my horse a Senator.

Cassius Chaerea of the Praetorian Guard presents “He’s gotta go” (41 AD) –> Slide two

  • He calls me “noodle dick”
  • (It’s a war wound and I can’t help it)
  • Luckily, there are lots of other groups that want him dead too.

Anniversary of Caligula’s death: January 24. Here is a group that has not slept with their sisters. Photo credit: mharrsch.

Ask General Kang: Um, is it time to panic?

By on January 23, 2008 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangYou humans still have primitive brains, so I will try to be understanding about this need of yours to panic.

One of your wisest humans wrote a book, upon the cover of which was the phrase “DON’T PANIC”. This is excellent advice, and the first thing you must learn if you ever hope to:

  • evolve
  • dabble in intergalactic travel
  • keep your portfolio intact in times of irrational exuberance and abject, lower-primate, the-leopard-is-going-to-eat-me moments of dread.

At this moment of your insignificant planet’s history, you have given a large part of efforts to an institution which (and let’s not gild the lily on this one) runs on the base emotions of greed and fear. So, on occasion, you will have to face the fear. But those of you who rise above it, who listen to the wisdom of your great prophet, will evolve.

But I suspect that not enough of you will get there before my armada arrives with its legions of uber-chimps, armed with hyper-kazoos and tutus.

Then what?

Then it’s time for you to panic.

Next time: What does it mean when your cat beats you at chess? And should he be able to levitate like that?

More reasons not to panic here.
Don't Panic!

(Photo credit: Marvin (PA))

Professor Quippy: More words not to use to describe Ebola

By on January 22, 2008 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyAccording to the BBC, a researcher at the University of Wisconsin has created a “safe” and “harmless” version of the deadly Ebola virus.

Yoshihiro Kawaoka believes he has created just such a version of the virus, by taking out a gene that normally allows it to replicate in cells. The hope is that having a a less apocalyptically lethal (i.e. “safe”) version of the virus will allow labs with lower biosecurity levels work on the disease.

According to the BBC: “Not everyone in Ebola research is convinced.” Well thank the great simian in the sky for that! A well-regarded researcher in the field says she would not be comfortable using it until it was thoroughly tested on live monkeys at high doses.

May I also humbly suggest that even if it passes muster, it not be called “safe”, “harmless”, “cuddly” or “cute.”

You may have other suggestions in the comments. Also, I’m not sure if these dudes are “harmless” either. Full BBC story here.

Brittany

By on January 21, 2008 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Brittany: The Blighted Beauty of Body ModificationIn her high school class yearbook, Brittany had been deemed “the most likely to be found dead in a dumpster”, but she had confounded her critics.

First she had joined the circus, where her extensive tattoos and devastating overbite had earned her the title “Brittany the Blighted Beauty of Body Modification.”

As a bona fide freak, Brittany had a certain dignity and gravitas. But she threw it away when she became the long-term courtesan of the Prince of Wales.

Photo credit: Odegaard. | Voted most likely to cause you to shoot milk out your nose