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Archive | December, 2010

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Winter Festival Edition)

By on December 21, 2010 in Hinky History, The Lost PowerPoints

Sunrise at winterThag presents “Less darky!” (circa 11,564 BC) –> Only slide

  • Shortest day in year
  • Less darky after this
  • More light good
  • Pass mammoth rib please!

Catullus presents “Saturnalia ho!” (circa 69 BC) –> Slide 6

  • gifts
  • gambling
  • tomfoolery (masters serve the slaves, nudge, nudge)
  • public nudity
  • the best of times!

Snagur Snarfasson presents “Yule be guessing” (circa 215 AD) –> Slide 3

Julebukking is the best:

  • Disguise ourselves in masks and costumes
  • Carry dead goat’s head in honor of Thor
  • Visit neighbors
  • Scare shit out of them ’till they give us mead.

Origen presents “Nativity schmativity” (circa 245 AD) –> Slide 1

  • Christ is not like some pharaoh
  • Only sinners celebrate birthdays
  • Do you want to be a sinner?

King Richard II presents “Pig out with the Plantagentents!” (circa 1377 AD) –> slide 12

Christmas feast includes:

  • 28 oxen
  • 300 sheep
  • 2000 chickens
  • 1 Yule boar.

Thomas Nast presents “Fat Santa” (circa 1863) –> slide 3

  • Harper’s wants a Santa Claus illustration
  • Everyone else draws him like some emaciated string bean
  • I’m going to make him a fat jolly bastard.
Beautiful photo by Peter Bowers. He has nothing to do (that we know of) with Alltop. Originally published December 2007.

Druids, pagans protest naming of Christmas tree

By on December 17, 2010 in General Skwib, Parody & Satire

Christmas balls hanging on treeOttawa (The Skwib) — A group of pagans have appeared in front of Rideau Hall to protest the naming of a tree.

“In ancient Celtic practice, the evergreen tree is a symbol of rebirth, and should not be connected with a Christian religious holiday,” Lugh Fripwhipple, spokesperson for the Gargantuan Organization Devoted to Lovers of Earth, Spirits and Society (GODLESS) told The Skwib.

“No it’s not!” said Hragnor Bootflak, High Priest of the Society of Odin Devotees (SODs). “The evergreen is a sacrifice tree — you should hang sheep testicles off it, not candy canes!”

“Wait, wait,” said Mamma Bulemia, Mistress of the Virgin Association of the Great, Inexpressible Nature Animists (VAGINA), “it’s about the love that Mother Nature has for all of us. We shouldn’t be putting them up at all!”

Randy Mylyk, a spokesperson for the Governor General (GG), said there had been a misunderstanding about the naming, but that did not please the protestors.

The trouble gegan with a CBC radio interview, when another Rideau Hall spokeswoman Lucie Brosseau had said: “At Rideau Hall, we will be putting up a holiday tree as we find it reflects the traditions of many cultures, and it is inclusive.”

“We just want to represent the Christian holiday,” another, as yet unnamed, GG spokesperson told The Skwib.

“I think all true worshipers, whether from GODLESS, SODs or VAGINA can agree that the decorating of an evergreen to celebrate a Christian holiday is contrary to the wishes of the spirit of the tree,” Fripwhipple said. “We don’t think the GG should have a tree at all.”

Other religious groups were asked to comment, but wisely refused.

A similar protest erupted in Boston after the mayor decided to name their festive flora a Christmas tree, but the pagans were quickly silenced in a series of “conversions” by Rev. Jerry Falwell’s crack “Grinch Gang”.

Alltop likes the way those sheep’s testicles hang. Inspired by the usual goofiness: Tradition Trumps Inclusiveness. This is from the deep, dark archives, December 2005!

More Christmas goofiness

By on December 15, 2010 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

I do hope this cogent observation only applies to women:

The four stages of life

Now, this next item doesn’t have the awesomeness of a monkey riding a goat, but it’s darned Christmassy, not to mention goofy: “A man dressed as Santa Claus holds a flare as he wakeboards on a small lake in Hamburg, Germany on December 5, 2010. (REUTERS/Christian Charisius)”

Santa wakeboarding with flare

Both of the above items are via the entertaining afternoonsnoozebutton. So have I given up blogging? Am I just ripping off afternoonsnoozebutton? Nay! I am also ripping off Retrograsm:

The origins of eggnog

I’m also willing to link to other writers. If you haven’t already checked out my fellow ENC author’s short Christmas tale, A Claus to Remember, you can find it here. [pdf]

And lest you think I don’t create any of my own content, perhaps you didn’t see the flash fiction below, about a certain Magi and his need to explain “why the myrrh?” Well, there you go. Merry Frickin’ Christmas already!

Alltop ONLY pulls content from other people, and nobody calls them on that! Note: much of this kind of crap can be found at my low-rent Tumblr blog, Monkey Joys.