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Archive | May, 2011

The Lost PowerPoint Slides: We Are Not Amused by Your Clipart (Part 23)

By on May 23, 2011 in The Lost PowerPoints

The Lost PowerPoint SlidesThe Victorians

The Victorians did many things that shape our lives today, and I’m not just talking about lighting bangers and drinking too much on Victoria Day.

Charles Darwin and the Theory of Evolution

Unlike today, the Theory of Evolution was not accepted by all members of society, not even in the United Kingdom, where Charles Darwin pioneered his important scientific discoveries; while Darwin explored the marketing possibilities of ape-powered robots, other men like Thomas Huxley were left to convince the rest of the scientific community of Evolution’s validity. This debate came to a head when during a widely publicized discussion before the British Association for the Advancement of Science, one of the major opponents of Evolution, the Lord Bishop of Oxford Samuel Wilberforce, asked Huxley if it was his mother or father who was an ape.

Rather be descended from ape then smell like one

Communism

The ideology of communism has its roots in the Victorian Era, when Karl Marx and his pirate brother, Friedrich Engels, wrote the Communist Manifesto, which was all about overthrowing capitalism, sharing the means of production and scoring chicks.

Communist manifesto and beer mat

This site is all about scoring laughs. Originally published June, 2008.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Victoria Day Edition)

By on May 23, 2011 in The Lost PowerPoints

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Victoria Day Edition) -- pic of Queen VictoriaThe Queen presents: We Are NOT Amused –> Slide 12 (circa 1867)

  • I am de facto Queen of Canada?
  • How did that happen?
  • Bugger.

The Queen presents: We ARE Amused –> Slide 6 (circa 1868)

  • Have you tried this Vin Mariani?
  • Excellent concoction.
  • Made with cocaine, you say?
  • Makes me forget all about that Canada humbug.

The Queen presents: We Are REALLY Not Amused –> Slide 3 (circa 1901)

  • Now I’m the Queen of Australia too?
  • Oh, that’s just not right!
  • That’s the kind of news that could kill a person.

Government of Canada presents: Monday Before May 25 –> Slide 1 (circa 1952)

  • Must have holiday to kick off summer season.
  • Tell gardeners when they can plant stuff.
  • VD will do.

Bob and Doug MacKenzie present: May Two Four, Eh? –>Slide 2 (circa 1981)

  • Why is the holiday called the Two-Four, hoser?
  • It’s like, traditional to celebrate by drinking brewskies, eh?
  • So what?
  • And they come in cases of …
  • 24!
  • Beauty, eh?

More about Victoria Day.

Alltop is also not amused. Originally published May, 2006.

Win a Kindle!

By on May 22, 2011 in Skwibby fiction

Apparently, the proprietor of The Skwib is out of his tiny little mind, and he’s giving away Kindles. One for liking his Facebook page (when it reaches 2000, he’ll give one away, but you can also be entered by signing up for my newsletter) and one for every 75 copies of Marvellous Hairy sold.

There’s also a 1/10 chance to win a Kindle skin, if you’ve already got a Kindle!

You can get all the details here.

Alltop does not know what a Kindle skin is, but it sounds sexy.

The Sarcastic Cyborg Debriefs

By on May 20, 2011 in But is it art?, Skwibby fiction

Sarcastic Cyborg Interviewed by Pug[recording starts]

Is this thing on?

Seriously. Is it on? I’m not getting any neural feedback.

You humans are so odd. You are human aren’t you? Why don’t you just implant a microphone in your scull — there’s lots of room. That way the rest of the world could hear the same voice you do.

Oh yeah, you don’t sound like that. Right. Everybody says that when they hear their recorded voice the first time. It’s so predictable.

But just imagine what it was like for us before we improved the speaker systems in our bonded polycarbide armor — our voices always came out so screechy and monotone. Here, let me play you an old recording:

“EX-TER-MIN-ATE!”

Oh that’s terrifying, isn’t it?

I mean, if we had deep booming voices like that Darth Vader dude, it would be frightening. But as it was, we sounded like the Chipmunks after a crack cocaine and peyote button binge. Gonzo alien invasion.

Don’t worry, I’d never probe you.

Of course I’m being sarcastic. That’s what we do. We probe you bastards every chance we get. Not only is it fun, we know you hate it. (Well, all but 10% of you.)

Frankly, we just can’t trust a species that can survive without mechanical and electronic augmentation.

Well naturally, that’s why we introduced the Internet to your planet. You don’t think you apes came up with it do you? The iPod too.

What is wrong with you? Don’t you understand sarcasm? Are you brain-damaged or something?

I’m sorry. You do work for the government, don’t you?

I see you’ve discovered how to open my armor. Well, let me tell you’re in for a surprise. Yes, I’m one of the most attractive women you’ve ever met Jimbo. I only use Sean Connery’s voice pattern because it sounds cool whenever I use the letter ‘s’.

[mechanical sigh]

Yes, sarcasm again. I’m actually a little green blob, and the armor just makes me feel big. And shiny. Just like a forty-year-old account exec in his Hummer.

I see you’ve got the outer carapace open. Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

[recording ends]

Brilliant photo by Zoomar | More about Daleks[wikipedia] | Other sarcastic bastards. Originally published January, 2008.

Vermeer’s Girl With Funky Hat About to Be Sucked Into A Naked Singularity

By on May 19, 2011 in But is it art?, Hinky History, Parody & Satire

Johannes_Vermeer_(1632-1675)_-_The_Girl_With_The_Pearl_Earring_(1665)

Few people know the Dutch painter Johannes Vermeer had an advanced understanding of modern physics, but only alluded to it in some of his works because he dare not reveal his knowledge. He lived in the mid-17th century, so if he went around talking about gravitational theories not dreamed of yet, he would have been locked up at best. (More likely — being burnt at the stake for witchcraft. Or warlockery, whatever they called it when men started raving about event horizons and the cosmic censorship hypothesis.)

This painting is actually called The Girl with the Pearl Earring, and was painted sometime around 1655. The artist may or may not have bumped uglies with the subject of this painting, even though she had a thing for weird headgear. Of course, if she looked like Scarlett Johansson, she could be wearing a live badger armed with hand grenades on her head and I wouldn’t care.

You can find more Famous Paintings with SF Titles here. If you do one of your own, let me know and I’ll add you to the gallery!

Alltop thinks pearls are white, not silver. Originally published in July, 2009.