Brilliant sketch, though it does require the suspension of disbelief on a couple of fronts. This one, though, not so much. And just as hilarious.
Archive | May, 2011
Botticelli’s Hot Babe Molested by the Chimera-Beast of Bufflax XII
Okay, this one is actually called The Birth of Venus, and it was painted sometime between 1485-86 for Lorenzo di Pierfrancesco de’ Medici, who was nicknamed Popolano; this was because he always brought lots of nice drugs to the cool parties. (He was a noted patron of the arts, and Sandro Botticelli was especially fond of Popolano’s “special” mushroom pasta.)
I’d say this is arguably one of the most famous paintings of the early renaissance, and it has certainly maintained its popularity. I was lucky enough to see this one in person at the Uffizi Gallery in Florence, and it’s a bit like the Mona Lisa in the Louvre — the painting is covered with glass, mobbed by Japanese tourists, and is stamped on everything from t-shirts to toilet-brush cozies. The glass is particularly unfortunate, as it’s highly reflective.
Then again, it has to be, in case of the Bufflaxians return and fire laser weapons at it.
You can find more Famous Paintings with SF Titles here.
Alltop is the Chimera-Beast of Humor I! If you do one of these — famous paintings with SF/F titles, let me know, and I will link to it from the gallery. Originally published in May, 2010.
Ten spurious facts about Queen Victoria
Yay, it’s almost Victoria Day — one of my favourite holidays, mostly because it’s so necessary. For those of you who don’t live in Canada, in many provinces we celebrate the birthday of Queen Victoria, Regina Atroxica, who was born on May 24th, 1819. (Thus the holiday is known here as the “Two-Four”, which is also, incidentally, the term for a case of beer in hoser. Beauty, eh?) Though the origins of the Victoria Day holiday are shrouded in mystery [wiki], it is worth noting some pertinent facts about the eponymous queen:
- Victoria was born of German descent: her father was Prince “Schnitzel-Boy” Edward, Duke of Kent and Strathearn and her mother was a stein of Pilsner.
- If she had not been 18 when her uncle (The King) died, then her mother would have acted as regent, provided the Household Guard could prevent her being quaffed by thirsty staff.
- Victoria was the youngest and first Queen of England who had the ability to fire laser beams from her eyes.
- She was the first reigning monarch to live in Buckingham Palace, which was paid for entirely by taxing the consumption of well-cooked food. (Thus explaining generations of atrocious food in the UK.)
- Her uncle was King Leopold I of Belgium (her mother’s brother); he spent most of his days eating chocolate, waffles, and attempting to drink his sister.
- Her husband, Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, could not speak a word of English and was her cousin.
- Most people are surprised to learn that Victoria had the ability to speak through her genitals.
- Her favourite genitals were (in order) Lord Melbourne, Lord Beaconsfield and Lord Salisbury.
- Her husband died of typhus, contracted because of the primitive sanitary conditions at Windsor Castle, and because he did not believe in “washing, per se”.
- Distraught after the death of her husband, Victoria went on a world-wide rampage, incinerating all who resisted her, founding Canada, New Zealand, and conquering the lands of Ireland, Scotland and India.
- Prior to her death, she uttered the famous, but often misquoted phrase: “I am not amused.” What she actually said was, “If you do not worship me henceforth, I shall not be amused, and I my revenant will consume your children and beer as you wail in agony as I cook you where you stand.”
And now you know why we celebrate Victoria Day.
Alltop and was not consulted in the making of this post. Our apologies to all the hard-working contributors to Wikipedia. Originally published, May 2009.
They Might Be Monkeys
Tip o’ the hat to ENC Press for finding this. Now, go reward them by downloading a free copy of my first novel, The Amadeus Net. Seriously, for the month of May, you can download a PDF of my first book for free.
Alltop is always free.
The Tragic Story of Larry and Wanda Pogo
Unlike all the other inhabitants of Planet Heliumbag, Larry and Wanda were unable to levitate at will. This was a genetic problem that could not be cured with standard DNA Invasion (TM) technology, and so, they had to go through life, drearily trudging around their homeworld, which was not designed for “terrestrials” as they were so cruelly called by the indifferent, bloated citizens of Heliumbag. (Most entrances to buildings were at least thirty feet off the ground, so both Larry and Wanda learned how to climb walls and scale smooth surfaces at an early age.)
It was inevitable that Larry Pogo would one day meet Wanda Stiltskin, that they would fall in love, and find solace in one another. But nobody could have predicted that they would share their lives sixty feet up in the air, balanced precariously on SmartPoles(TM) made from a kind of nano-tubing Wanda had developed. (Ironically, Wanda invented this while she recovered from a fall trying to get into the Levitation Institute, which helped other Heliumbagians float higher than thirty feet. The fall had shattered her legs and left her paralyzed from the hips down.)
Larry was able to manipulate his SmartPole(TM) with his feet, while Wanda had a special “adaptation” for her SmartPole(TM) that she usually hid with an elegant, deeply shadowed dress or skirt. So long oblivious to their struggle to maintain just an ordinary existence, the Planet Heliumbag now made celebrities of the mercurial Larry and always-smiling Wanda. A Grand Tour of the Corporate Imperium was suggested and it was a huge success, leading to a gala performance on the homeworld of NaziWorks 3000 (The Caring Company).
Unfortunately, their SmartPoles(TM) put them at perfect snacking height for the gigantic, flesh-rending CEOs that roam the planet at will.
Alltop is also lifting. Originally published, June, 2009.
From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | photo by OzJulian
How to Play Monkey-Robot-Pirate-Ninja-Zombie (moropinzee)
Here is the new version of rock-paper-scissors, or rochambeau, as it is sometimes known. As you can see from the schematic below, each thing can beat two other things, and is, in turn beaten by two other things.
The players both count to five (three), though it is obviously better to repeat the name of the game (Monkey! Robot! Pirate! Ninja! Zombie!). Each time you raise your fist and swing it down. On the fifth (third) count, you form your hand into one of the five gestures. (It is recommended that in addition to the hand gesture, you also add an aural component to this — see below for suggested noises.)
So, what beats what, and what are the gestures? What?
Monkey
- Monkey fools Ninja
- Monkey unplugs Robot
Suggested noise: ee-ee-eek!
Robot
- Robot chokes Ninja
- Robot crushes Zombie
Suggested noise: ex-ter-min-ate!
Pirate
- Pirate drowns Robot
- Pirate skewers Monkey
Suggested noise: arrrrr!
Ninja
- Ninja karate chops Pirate
- Ninja decapitates Zombie
Suggested noise: keeee-ah!
Zombie
- Zombie eats Pirate
- Zombie savages Monkey
Suggested noise: braaaaaaaaaainsss!
There is a logic to the hand gestures provided, and with any luck they are perfectly obvious. Now, you may be wondering, “Mark, are you totally insane? Are you procrastinating, perchance? Or are you just bored?” The answer is yes.
Update: based on a scientific survey of the comments, Twitter and Facebook updates, “moropinzee” seems to be the easiest name for this game to remember. Someone also had the excellent notion that there could be a full-body dance to celebrate a win.