Tag Archives | Monkey Kin

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Sir Thomas More Edition)

By Mark A. Rayner on May 10, 2011 in Hinky History, The Lost PowerPoints

Sir Thomas More presents “The Religions of Utopia” (circa 1515) –> slide three

several religions
sun-worshipers, moon-worshipers, Uranus-worshipers (the worst of them)
but the best religion worships an incomprehensible Deity.

Sir Thomas More presents “The Religions of Utopia” (circa 1515) –> slide five

their most ancient law:

no man ought to be punished for his religion
not even the evil-smelling Uranus-worshipers.

Sir Thomas More presents “The Religions of Utopia” (circa 1515) –> slide six

liberty needed so they can decide:
which religion is true and which is false
also, dignity of human values more important than religious dogma.

Sir Thomas More presents “Burning Lutherans” (circa 1530) –> slide 5

heresy against Church is a disease
started with burning Protestant books
now onto followers of Martin Luther
(but I only burned six).

Sir Thomas More:

“A man of an angel’s wit and singular learning. I know not his fellow. For where is the man of that gentleness, lowliness and affability? And, as time requireth, a man of marvelous mirth and pastimes, and sometime of as sad gravity. A man for all seasons.” ~ Robert Whittington (1520, before More’s “pyro” phase)

In addition to being an all-weather dude, More also was burner of heretics, or Lutherans as we know them now. Alltop is burning hot with humor. Originally published Dec. 7, 2007.

Robo-schism

By Mark A. Rayner on April 5, 2010 in Parody & Satire

RoboPope ROME (The Skwib) — Last night more than 75,000 faithful assembled in St. Peter’s Square to worship at a special ceremony. Instead they witnessed the beginning of a new schism in the Catholic church.

All seemed to be going to plan as Cardinal Camillo Ruini, vicar-general for the diocese of Rome, read the liturgy of the rosary. Then the lights went out dramatically, and Pope Benedict XVI appeared in the papal apartments, a scarlet cloak draped over his white soutane.

Before he could say anything, a spotlight came on, pointed towards the entrance to St. Peter’s Basilica. The whir of motors and the clanging of metal feet thumped for a moment before RoboPope appeared before the astonished masses.

Its deep, robotically augmented voice blessed the crowd, and then proceeded to accuse Benedict XVI of usurping papal authority, and pronounced him ultra vires, or without powers.

The light went out in Benedict’s apartment, and members of the Papal Swiss Guards appeared in the spotlight near RoboPope. (The guards were not dressed in their traditional uniforms, but wearing modern combat armor and bore automatic weapons.)

When they appeared, RoboPope said, “alea iacta est” and opened fire with its automatic pistol.

Its sonorous voice could be heard even above the screams of the crowd, as it blessed the guard amongst the staccato rhythm of its eerily accurate marksmanship, sounding like: “brrrrr-at-at-at … dominus vobiscum … brrrr-at-at-at … ego te absolvo ….”

The surviving guards in the papal palace were able to rally and, using the terrified crowd as cover, were able hold off the robotic pontiff with massed small arms fire. When the Swiss guard managed to set up heavy machine guns and their rocket-launchers, even the high-impact titanium exoskeleton of the resurrected cyber-cleric could not withstand the firepower, and it was driven from St. Peter’s Square.

There are reports that RoboPope and his “Bishops of Death” have set up a rival court in Avignon, reminiscent of the Papal Schism in 1378.

Now, more than ever, we need a RoboPope. Alltop says amen. Originally published October 2007.

… naked men marching … Welsh singing … ice cream trucks … sausage … A Heap of Trouble!

By Mark A. Rayner on November 19, 2008 in But is it art?, Monkeys!

It is a quiet Welsh neighbourhood. Children play in the streets. An ice cream truck does a desultory business while parents chat in the foreground. This calm of this suburban street is rudely disturbed by the distant mellifluous sound of a Welsh choir singing, “four naked men, five naked men, and six naked men…”

The sound gets louder: “… and … seven naked men, and eight naked men,” the singing is nearly here. Everyone looks frightened. And then then we hear: “and nine naked men just walking down the road would cause a heap of trouble for all concerned.”

This is a brilliant (multi-award winning) short by Steve Sullivan, filmmaker, Welshman, composed of trillions of atoms bound together by the miracle of nature and perry.

Warning: Not Safe for Work if your co-workers are uncomfortable with brief shots of sausage and/or Welsh singing.

You can find the full film, A Heap of Trouble, here. More about Mr. Sullivan here.

Thanks to Spencer Evans for point this out. Humor-blogs and Alltop are also a heap of trouble.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides: A Short Man Invents a Complex (and Conquers Europe)

By Mark A. Rayner on June 26, 2008 in The Lost PowerPoints

The Battle of Waterloo

Napoleon Bonaparte is an iconic character, not only because he was short, wore a silly hat, and had enough pirate brothers to conquer most of Europe, but because he is the only person in history to meet his Waterloo actually at Waterloo. (The rest of us tend to meet it in boardrooms, law courts, amateur beard-growing competitions, and if you’re English, in Surrey.) Had Napoleon won the Battle of Waterloo, civilization would be quite different. For starters, there wouldn’t be 2,050,000 results on Google for the term “French surrender” (there would only be 2,049,999.) Also, we would all eat a lot more snails.

But Napoleon did not win the battle. Later his opponent, the Duke of Wellington (also famed for rendering beef completely inedible and known as “Sally” to his friends), described the fighting as: “The nearest run thing you ever saw in your life,” which was Sally’s way of saying Napoleon almost won. To add insult to injury, Napoleon’s famed Imperial Guard — the closest thing the French Army had to crack assault pirates — ran away:

My pirate brothers and sisters include Captain Stanky and Rank Ol’ Pete.

Economies of Despair: Promoting Books with Blogs

By Mark A. Rayner on May 23, 2008 in But is it art?

Update:

This little Venn Diagram satire was noticed by Sheila at Gawker yesterday, and some self-satisfied, sanctimonious, humorless dork took it upon himself (I’m assuming MisterHippity is male) to correct the “inaccuracy” of my diagram. I’ll admit to not being an expert at creating Venn diagrams, and I sometimes get stumped on those little math quizzes you find when you need to verify you are a human being. However, I can read. And this is a powerful tool.

Having a look through the comments, it’s actually quite funny. He clearly understands the diagram I drew, yet was unable to perceive its humorous intent. You, dear alert readers, will also notice that MrHippity (who clearly isn’t) did not actually recreate the original diagram, because the original third (tiny, anguish-inducing circle) reads: “People who buy books written by bloggers.” (Not “read” as his diagram indicates.)

Here’s his “correct” version:

Of course, if this was more truthy, there would be no need for despair, because then promoting a book with a blog would be no problem. I think my version is way funnier. (Plus it has pretty colors and a nice font.)

I will let you be the judge.

Neither this source of humor, nor this one are sanctimonious, though there may be some self-satisfaction going on.

Carnival of Satire (#99)

By Mark A. Rayner on May 1, 2008 in Carnival of Satire

Carnival of Satire (#99) Happy International Worker’s Day everyone! Yep, it’s May Day, the traditional day to celebrate the worker, to dance around Maypoles, and if you’re really into it, you may even want to do some Morris Dancing. Alas, the hoopla falls on this, the 99th edition of the Carnival of Satire, but we will press forward with our cynicism anyhow:

We start with this news of recent scientific research. Dr. Tundra was very upset to read Will’s report that the Tinfoil Hat Brain Firewall Not So Secure After All.

Now, this busy worker isn’t dancing around a Maypole exactly, but she is very excited about something. And frankly, it’s kind of worryng. You’ll find the whole image at Fengtastic!, or click on the thumbnail.

Speaking of Maypoles, Swann has learned The Real Reason Hillary is Running.

While on the subject of poles with ears, Barbara Diamond informs us that Dick is obsessed with Nothin but Ass.

Ian Bowman has begun a promising list of defaults, starting with the default hobby for gainfully employed guys who are not in the habit of doing something even remotely interesting: photography.

Madeleine Begun Kane has nya, nya with: Hey Obama Sycophants, Don’t Say We Didn’t Warn You.

Sammy Benoit piles on with his terrifying dream: Barack Obama Was At The Exodus.

Huck Finn learns how Putin will save American democracy: by sending Chastity Belts to politicians.

This submission by Michael Fowke just freaked Thag out, but it was strangely compelling: Invesco Perpetual: Neil Woodford the star manager.

Greg Merrick has more financial doings with this primer on How to Completely Ruin Your Life Trying to Start Your Own Business.

While celebrating May Day, you may want to keep this news from Bloggledoggle that the Swamp Thing Actually a Hippie. Also there are indications that Batman is psychotic and Woody Woodpecker is an instigator. You heard me, an instigator.

And to finish off with some non-satire: Davexplorer made us laugh with this list of Dog Look Alike Celebrities.

And that’s it for the 99th edition! For our 100th edition, we’d like to do something a little different. We’d like you to find an example of some great satire that is not your own, and share it with us. We’ll credit both the finders and the findees. And what is satire? Someone wrote something about it once, we think. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here if you dance around a bit. Warning: Alltop may cut in.

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