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Ask General Kang: Should I be afraid of the semicolon?

By on May 26, 2009 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangDo you mean the form of punctuation, or what happens to your lower intestines after you’ve eaten improperly prepared Thringian Gitworm sashimi?

Because if you’ve eaten bad ThriGit sashimi, and its still-living spawn are now lunching on your colon, then yes, that is something to be feared; it may even be horrifying.

If you are talking about the form of punctuation, then you are wise to be fearful. Back on Planet Neecknaw, I had a crack brigade of battle-ready gorilloids, armed only with copies of Fowler’s Modern English Usage and their intimate understanding of advanced punctuation warfare. You’ve never seen anything as terrifying as a gorilloid demonstrating an impeccable use of the semi-colon.

(Unless you’ve visited a ThriGit recovery ward.)

Next time: What’s the best way to stop Cerebral Space Weasels from nesting in one’s duodenum?

Question via Neatorama: The Usage of Semicolon is Confusing; Most People Are Afraid of It. Alltop and Humor-blogs.com are also unafraid of the semicolon; they are terrified of the em-dash, however. Note: this post previously appeared in February 2008.

Professor Quippy: Lizard King Does Brush His Teeth

By on May 20, 2009 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyIt turns out the Komodo dragon does not kill with its poor oral hygiene after all.

I always thought that Komodo dragons took down their prey with toxic halitosis — the story was they’d bite their dinner, and then let it crawl into the forest where it could die from a raging bacterial infection, after which, they’d dine at their leisure. Did that seem like a strange explanation to me? I don’t know, when I first read it, it made an odd kind of sense, as much as anything in nature. I mean, explain the platypus, or those freaky bacteria that eat sulphur, or the chilling ascendancy of the nerd.

Komodo dragons, according to the New Scientist: “… live on three Indonesia islands, repeatedly slash at their prey until they are weak enough to eat. They can take down a 40-kilogram Rusa deer, and kill a full-grown human.” The New Scientist does not mention that they can grow to a length of ten feet and weigh 300 pounds. Oh, and you should know that they hunt in packs and can fly and each Alpha male has a frickin’ laser attached to his head. Okay, but they have killed people.

Bill and Steve dine al frescoYep, you read that right. But now a shot of antibiotics and a tree can’t save you. You have to have serious medical attention to counter their poison — which, by the way, is contained in a giant sac under their jaws, so how did we miss it before? Okay, maybe it’s not a “giant sac”, but it is, according to recent studies a “big bulge”, which contain “huge venom glands opening to ducts at the front of the jaws.”

Now, for those of you who like to worry about these kinds of things, you should know that your chances of being attacked by a Komodo dragon are extremely rare. There are only about 5,000 left on earth, and most of them are hanging around the airport in Paris.

But at least they brush their teeth.

Full story at The New Scientist. Alltop and humor-blogs.com also have excellent oral hygiene. Thanks to Ryan Somma for the gruesome pic.

A romance for the ages

By on May 11, 2009 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

A romance for the agesIt began simply.

He was out on his morning rampage when he crashed through the front gates of SeaWorld.

She was doing the 10 am show, trying to keep her spirits up while simultaneously pleasing her human masters and keeping the male dolphins from gang raping her.

It was love at first sight; she was drawn to his chiseled good looks and stylish shoes, and he instinctively knew that she would not like fire.

As the crowd fled in abject terror, she knew he would free her from this horrific prison. She jumped into his arms as he approached the tank, and he smiled as he felt the coolness of her scales on his hands, the warmth of her hand on his face.

It all went so well until lunch.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are meant for each other too. Thanks to Foxtongue for the pic.

Why Dr. McCoy was not a whiny bitch

By on May 5, 2009 in But is it art?, Odd Science
McCoy, Kirk and Spock -- about to die
McCoy, Kirk and Spock are all about to die as their bodies are de-atomized over a period of several agonizing seconds.

If you have never watched the original series of Star Trek, this post will not make much sense to you. Ok, that was kind of silly — if you’re reading The Skwib of course you’ve watched the original Star Trek.

But as we wait breathlessly for the reboot of Star Trek this week, I want to raise an issue.

I always thought everyone was a little condescending to Bones whenever he got a bit whiny about using the transporter. Dr. McCoy had good, philosophical reasons for being freaked out by the device. Basically, the transporter disassembles all your molecules, and then reassembles them somewhere else. (Assuming something doesn’t go horribly wrong in the process, as it did in pretty much every other episode.) It’s an existentialist’s nightmare.

So that means when you voluntarily use the transporter, you’re opting for instant death via total atomization. Sure, a copy of you will go on, but who knows, maybe it will be the evil copy of you, or perhaps the machine will screw up, and you’ll end up with Mr. Spock’s wang protruding from your forehead. In either case, it doesn’t really matter, because the you that you are at this moment (which granted, is also an illusion of sorts, but that’s a subject for another time) is going to die. And presumably it hurts a bit to be de-atomized. Did anyone else ever think it took quite a long time for them to stop “sparkling”? It’s seconds at least. Now imagine what that feels like, having your atoms ripped apart over a period of several seconds. Having trouble? Pluck out a few nose hairs. Now imagine that in every molecule of your body for several seconds.

I think everyone should have cut Bones a little slack, and let him take the shuttlecraft if he wanted. Besides, when you’re fighting Tiranglian Lizard people, or reprogramming a rogue computer, the doctor’s only going to be helpful in stitching you up afterwards. (Or whatever “non-barbaric” technology” Dr. McCoy used.)

If anything, McCoy was pretty stoic about the whole thing. If it had been me, unless the ship was having some kind of EPS-Flangerati-Electrolux crisis that was going to cause it to explode in seconds anyway, there’s no way you’re getting me onto the transporter pad:

“Mr. Rayner, put on your red shirt and step onto the transporter pad, we’re going down to the surface,” Kirk ordered the pudgy and pale-looking ensign.

“Nun-uh!”

“Mr. Rayner, you’re going down to the surface with the rest of the landing party, where we’re all going to die. Well, you’re going to die. Bones and Spock and I will be fine.”

“You put me on that sparkle thingy and I’ll die. Not gonna do it. Wouldn’t be prudent.”

“Don’t make me beat you.”

“Frankly …” Mr. Rayner lifts shoulders. “I’d prefer that…” Mr. Rayner raises hands. “Jim.” Mr. Rayner thrusts hands forward, then Kirk decks him.

Your Turn

Now, what other science fiction inventions would suck? High on my list would be the notion that “food in pill form” is a good idea. I definitely think that would be awful, though obviously not as much as soylent green. Also, artificial intelligence seems like a bad idea too. Am I missing any?

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are also not whiny bitches.

Elegant Robot Week

By on December 29, 2008 in But is it art?, Odd Science, Parody & Satire

cyborg looking scaryAs we approach the end of 2008 and start to get excited about all the new and exciting things that are going to happen in 2009 — will there be a depression? Can Obama possibly live up to expectations? Will Canada have YET ANOTHER federal election or will Canadians just say “fuck it” and hire a phalanx of baby-seal clubbers to execute our political class? (If we do, I’m going to suggest we replace their clubs with tack-studded waffle bats and high-voltage stainless steel probes that are designed to be “inserted”.)

Few people realize that 2009 is also the year in which the robotics industry really gets going, in its lead up to the technological singularity (and own redundancy). So, I say we celebrate robots this week. (Not necessarily elegant robots, but I like the idea that an elegant robot is possible, even though it’s not.)

For example, the Texter 8000 is anything but:

The Texter 8000

Are you like me, wondering what AFDN means?

More excellent (and humorous) robots can be found at ExtraLife’s 42 Robots Project. And don’t tell anyone, but I suspect Alltop and humor-blogs.com are some kind of technologically supported uber-funny human societies.

Another celebration of VD

By on May 19, 2008 in Hinky History

Here in Canada we celebrate Queen Victoria’s birthday, and it is known as Victoria Day (VD for short).

Why? She has been dead for more than 100 years, and our current Queen has now been reigning almost as long as Vicky did. I mean, Canada barely has anything to do with the monarchy anymore. Is it because Canadians are great traditionalists and we still carry a torch for the Old Vic? After all, it was under her watchful, un-amused gaze that we started on the road to independence.

No, it is because we are terrified of her.

Those of you lucky enough to be born in Republics will never know the terror of falling asleep, worried not about the Boogity Man, or other non-existent creatures, but fearful of the dreaded Queen Victoria creeping into our rooms to deprive us of love, joy and perhaps even our very lives.

Like many Royal families in Europe, the House of Hanover once suffered from inbreeding, but through an ad hoc eugenics program, they were able to instill their bloodlines with enough vigor to run roughshod over the United Kingdom. Their secret? Carpathian werewolves.

It began, of course with Sophia of Hanover, who was quite a looker, but who had a taste for the exotic and enjoyed it a bit rough. Carpathian werewolves were brought in to satisfy her proclivities and produced George I, who became the first Hanoverian to rule Great Britain. Carpathian werewolf tendencies were noticed in George II, but it wasn’t until George III went howlingly mad were people convinced that there was a problem with this eugenics program.

Carpathian WerewolfGeorge IV was an indifferent king, and William IV did little damage. However, neither were to produce an heir, and it was up to George III’s fourth son, The Duke of Kent, to produce an heir. He did so with Princess Victoria of Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld. Even at the time, there were rumors that the Princess had an extra-marital affair, and the lack of genetic weaknesses in Victoria’s children has been used as evidence.

Of course, we need look no further than the Princess’s diary, dated August 28, 1819 (roughly nine months before Victoria’s birthday) and we can learn the truth: “Did it with that animal again.” Was it another Carpathian werewolf? We can only assume, “yes.”

And so Victoria was the result of an accidental eugenics programs, filling her with the vigor, bloodlust and terrifying hunger of the Bane of Carpathia. To this day, she is known for the coldness of her presence, her ability to suck the very joy right out of the room, her insatiable desire for human flesh. And still, we in the colonies are terrified of her, and so we ingratiate ourselves with her hairy be-clawed shadow by celebrating her birthday. (Because even if she was “laid to rest” in 1901, we all know she is not gone.)

Luckily, Carpathian werewolves are also put off by large amounts of alcohol and loud banging noises, so in Canada we have incorporated excessive drinking and fireworks in the holiday, just to be on the safe side.

So it worked out okay.

You know what really scares me more than Carpathian werewolves. Humorists. Lots of humorists.