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Professor Quippy: The Vatican welcomes our alien brothers

By on May 15, 2008 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyThe Vatican is making great contributions to the world of astronomy, not least of which is their plan to incorporate “extraterrestrial brothers” into the Catholic fold.

A bit of history before I pass along the news: The Inquisition condemned Galileo for suggesting the outlandish idea that the Earth orbited the sun (and not vice versa.) Galileo wisely recanted this scientifically sound idea, mostly because he did not like having hot pokers exploring his Black Hole. You’ll be happy to know that the Vatican now accepts the validity of the idea that the Earth revolves around the sun. (In 1992, the Church agreed that he was correct, and the Inquisition was wrong — with the stipulation that the Inquisition acted in good faith, super-heated probes notwithstanding.)

Since this momentous change in policy, a new Pope has taken office. Pope Benedict he has installed Reverend Jose Gabriel Funes as head of the Vatican Observatory and as his scientific advisor. The 45-year-old Jesuit priest is enthusiastic about the possibility of intelligent aliens existing:

Alien Scientologist“Just as there is a multiplicity of creatures on Earth, there can be other beings, even intelligent, created by God. This is not in contrast with our faith because we can’t put limits on God’s creative freedom,” he said. “Why can’t we speak of a ‘brother extraterrestrial’? It would still be part of creation,” he said.

And when we find these ET brother? Interstellar missionaries of course! What a fabulous chance to increase the membership in the Church. Let’s just hope the aliens aren’t the kind with acid for blood, enjoy hunting humans for sport, or are Scientologists [pictured right]. Oh, and Reverend Funes may want to read The Sparrow before he goes. (Unless he enjoys Uranus play.)

I highly recommend The Sparrow [Wiki], by the way. New Scientist stories: ET poses no problem for Vatican. Vatican admits Galileo was right. The Vatican does have issues with Humor-blogs.com and Alltop.

Living off the fat of the land

By on May 14, 2008 in Odd Science, Parody & Satire

The Atkins Diet -- Dead by Dawn (pic of skull)As you may have noticed, the author has been somewhat obsessed with news about obesity, fat, losing fat, fitting into one’s pants, and so on. There is a reason, but he’s not sharing. Instead, he thought he would share this Reutars story:

Free liposuction supplies cosmetics entrepreneur

Monday May 13, 2008 8:55 AM ET

SANTA BERNARDO, California (Ruetars) — A plastic surgeon is offering a number of free services, including liposuction, to patients in the northern Californian spa town of Santa Bernardo.

“How can we afford it?” asks Dr. Darryl Lipid, owner of Sebaceous Cosmetics. “Volume. Seriously, part of the deal is based on four people agreeing to the have the procedure at the same time. Until we have our new mass suction lipectomy operating theater built it will be a relatively intimate affair.”

When the new building is ready, up to 24 patients will have their excess fat removed at the same time.

Patients also have to agree to undergo liposuction without the benefit of a local anesthetic.

“Yes. We keep the costs down by performing the lipoplasty without sedatives or anesthesia of any kind,” Lipid told Ruetars. “I won’t lie to you — it’s painful, and harrowing, but for those patients who have some pockets of stubborn fat, it is worth it.”

And what becomes of the “stubborn fat”? It gets used in the products that Sebaceous Cosmetics pedals to the rich clientele of Santa Bernardo.

“Yes, it’s true. Much of the tissue is rendered and used in the creation of our Human Touch cosmetics line. Our customers find Human Touch cosmetics superior to any other top-of-the-line cosmetics product.”

A significant portion of the extracted fat is sent to Germany.

“We have an agreement with a Germany company as well. We do not know what they are doing with the excess tissue, but we have a non-competitive agreement with them, so they are not allowed to use them in cosmetics. As far as I know, Human Touch is the only line designed with actual human tissue — a real breakthrough in the business of looking your best!”

The German company is Die Antropophagia GmbH, which sells foam-in-the-can dessert toppings.

They would not grant Ruetars an interview.

Apparently, there is a way that fat people could save American business (Slate). Humor-blogs.com and alltop never speak of themselves in the third person, though he believes that is a mistake. Now, the reader will apply the lotion. Pic from somethingawful via flamke.

Passive-Aggressive Punctuation

By on May 9, 2008 in But is it art?

Designer Ze Frank has a creative way of dealing with those annoying client emails that he has to answer politely, and dare we say, with a certain amount of unctuousness. The customer is always right, but this kind of constant kowtowing can cause anger to build up, and eventually, something bad will happen. You know, an event that involves sniper rifles and bell-towers, or epic schnapps benders that end with you found dead and naked (not necessarily in that order) somewhere in Tijuana. Or, it might just develop into an internal time bomb YouTube Preview Image.

But wait, Ze has found a way to write those cringing, polite emails without a Vesuvius of Rage building inside your brain. Just mentally replace the punctuation with your own set of phrases that will make you feel like you’re saying what you really mean. Click on the image or here to go see Ze’s (older but still funny) presentation:

Passive-Aggressive Punctuation

Everyone always says what they mean at humor-blogs.com and alltop too.

Sunday O-Rama!

By on February 3, 2008 in General Skwib

Don’t miss the Super-Duper (Tuesday) Carnival of the Insanities.

While we’re talking insanity, you should go visit this website, which is probably the most shoddily built thing ever. (Thanks to the Mistress of the Singularities, editor of Abyss & Apex, for finding this. You may want to check out the new issue of A&A too.)

The Carnival of the Godless is always entertaining, and finally, this video is also a gem, raising the question, has Google Maps gone too far?

YouTube Preview Image

We should probably keep a close eye on these people too.

Me Doctor

By on January 30, 2008 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Dr. Ganglia Intrusion Finger - Ontario GP

Dr. Ganglia Intrusion Finger did not inspire confidence.

He had an impeccable bedside manner and a truly impressive CV. He’d graduated first in his class, and then gone on to study experimental neurosurgery at John Hopkins before ultimately deciding that he “wanted to practice ‘real medicine’ and not be a simple ‘meat mechanic’.”

Of course, Dr. Finger was being somewhat disingenuous when he said so; his nurse practitioner and general manager always took some care with new patents to explain about his failed attempt to do a right hemispherectomy on himself to “take the edge off.”

Sure. The hat was distracting. Not to mention odoriferous. And yes, the lit match was a worry, but his practice was in Ontario, so most of his patients were just happy to have any family doctor at all.

Photo Credit: Bolandrotor. Also not qualified to practice medicine. Do you have a family doctor, ’cause I’ve heard Dr. Finger is still accepting patients.