Navigation

Ask General Kang: How do you deal with wrap rage?

By on June 17, 2008 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangWrap rage, for all my readers who are unfamiliar with the phenomenon, is the rising anger and dementia that you feel when you are unable to open the shiny new thing you have just purchased with your hard-earned cash.

CDs used to be the worst; that pathetic little zip strip does no good at all, and just rips right off, leaving you gnawing at the hermetically sealed package like a Zegtraagian pig beast. And the latest fad in packaging makes that seem genteel.

Last week I bought an “American Idol” Barbie and her packaging was insane. It took me 30 minutes to release her from her plastic clamshell prison. She was wired down, her hair was stitched to the box and she had thick plastic manacles on her arms and torso. It should have been called Petroleum-Product S&M Fetish Barbie.

I’ve got opposable thumbs. Barely. Give me a break people!

But the real evil, the most humiliating adamantine-covered items tend to be electronic gadgets. I bought a phone last month that I had to open with my phase pistol — and I had to set it on “blast” mode, which I’ve only ever had to use once before, on Blektreggie VI. (A planet inhabited by mango-obsessed carapace gorilloids.)

Did you say you bought a Barbie doll last week?

Just you wait until my fleet gets here buster.

Next week: Did you ever consider that perhaps the planet Earth is just not ready for your intergalactic enlightenment in chimpy form?

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop are both ready for any chimpy form of humor.

Sunday O-Rama

By on June 15, 2008 in General Skwib

It has been a while since we’ve done an O-Rama, but this seems like a propitious moment.

First off, there are number of excellent carnivals you may want to check out. The venerable Carnival of the Vanities, the wacky Carnival of the Insanities, and a lively and entertaining edition of the Military History Carnival.

And if you’re looking for things of a humorous nature, then perhaps you could check out some of the work of our friends (after you’ve read the entire Skwib archive, of course):

Lobo is suffering from Damp Basement Syndrome. Alex has had an attack of the 60-foot communists. Alenja is eating her cake and having it too. Consummate Canadian, C. Fraser, is worried about invasive species, while Don (“Real Scientist” at Donco) is more concerned about polar bears. Finally, Archer explains why we are hopelessly illiterate.

And it is Father’s Day; you may be surprised to learn that my father is a respected arbitrator and the retired Dean of a law school. Nevertheless, it was he who introduced me to Monty Python. Thanks Dad!

YouTube Preview Image

Ask General Kang: What is the right amount of blogging?

By on June 13, 2008 in Ask General Kang, But is it art?

ask general kangFrankly, none. But never bite the hand that feeds you I say, particularly when it feeds you ripe fruit and vegemite sandwiches. This rule applies doubly for evil galactic overlords between gigs.

(And yes, the first continent to be occupied by my approaching armada WILL be Australia.)

But I digress. What is the proper amount of blogging? I guess it depends. Do you have something else to do? If not, then the sky is the limit. Blog ’till your fingers bleed.

Do you have a large audience who can’t wait to hear what stunning, insightful (or incite-ful) and elegant prose you will produce next? Then at least once a day, I suppose.

What if you’ve got a very tiny audience?

Oh, you sad and pathetic human.

Next time: What’s the best survival strategy for being trapped on a spaceship with a creature like the one in Alien?

Humor.blogs.com and Alltop are working on their strategy now, though I doubt you can make an alien laugh. (Maybe high-pitched screaming.)

Ask General Kang: Do you own a typewriter? And do you have 999,999 co-workers?

By on June 10, 2008 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangI have neither, nor do I have an infinite amount of time, so don’t expect to see me write Hamlet anytime soon.

I do, however, have this gripping script about an intergalactic overlord who comes to Earth, starts writing an advice column, and finds himself forced to beat one of his letter writers senseless after he makes a joke about the overlord’s hirsute back, bow legs and penchant for banana cream pies.

But back to your impertinent question: can a million monkeys typing randomly create a work of Shakespeare? No, Shakespeare has already written his oeuvre, so the best they could do is make a copy. (Which would be silly, because it’s now all available on the Internet.)

Some people have done the math, and believe it is impossible, thus proving the existence of God. Others believe that it demonstrates how the universe has evolved. Personally, I’ve watched a few movies by Million Monkeys Studios (a subsidiary of Fox), and I have to side with the first group.

Not only does God exist, It has a cruel sense of humor. More vicious even than Kragnarok the Icky, whose favourite pastime was eating the deep-fried skin of his victims while he bathed them in lemon juice.

Next time: Is it true that putting you face near a quasar will clear up acne?

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop could never be written by a million monkeys. Apparently a few thousand is enough.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides: Ruff ‘n Ready in Merry Olde England (Part 15)

By on June 9, 2008 in Hinky History, The Lost PowerPoints

The Lost PowerPoint SlidesQueen Elizabeth I

In her day, the first Queen Elizabeth (Queen Elizabeth I), was widely regarded as the scariest female to roam the planet since Lucy the Menopausal T-Rex. Of course, her closest advisers and the members of the English court knew that was far from the truth: Elizabeth would have destroyed Lucy.

However, amongst her subjects, she was known as Good Queen Bess; she was known as the Virgin Queen, and much beloved because she really did care about her people. The whole question of virginity was a potential PR nightmare, though in the long run, not as destructive as the lead-based makeup Bess spackled onto her face for public functions.

Good Queen Bess's Lost PowerPoint Slide

The Spanish Armada

In 1588 the King of Spain (Phillip II) finally got fed up with English privateers continually raiding his ships and colonies in the New World. (Note: Privateers were a kind of state-sanctioned pirate. Though they were obligated to give a portion of their booty to the monarch who licensed their pillaging, they still had hooks for hands, parrots for pets, and spent a great deal of time obsessing over “pieces of eight.”)

To put an end to English interference, Phillip amassed a ginormous flotilla — the didn’t call it an “Armada” for nothing — to support his invasion of England. The Spanish fleet might have sailed in 1587, had not the English hero, Sir Francis Drake, staged a preemptive raid on Cadiz.

Kiss My Golden Hind

For an armada of humor, set sail for the Isle of Laughter or the Archipelago of Chuckles. More Lost PowerPoint Slides can be found here.