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Me Doctor

By on January 30, 2008 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Dr. Ganglia Intrusion Finger - Ontario GP

Dr. Ganglia Intrusion Finger did not inspire confidence.

He had an impeccable bedside manner and a truly impressive CV. He’d graduated first in his class, and then gone on to study experimental neurosurgery at John Hopkins before ultimately deciding that he “wanted to practice ‘real medicine’ and not be a simple ‘meat mechanic’.”

Of course, Dr. Finger was being somewhat disingenuous when he said so; his nurse practitioner and general manager always took some care with new patents to explain about his failed attempt to do a right hemispherectomy on himself to “take the edge off.”

Sure. The hat was distracting. Not to mention odoriferous. And yes, the lit match was a worry, but his practice was in Ontario, so most of his patients were just happy to have any family doctor at all.

Photo Credit: Bolandrotor. Also not qualified to practice medicine. Do you have a family doctor, ’cause I’ve heard Dr. Finger is still accepting patients.

Professor Quippy: How would you like your robot apocalypse — in replicators or gray goo?

By on January 29, 2008 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyResearchers at the Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh are trying to kill us all!

Seriously, they are excited about a project they’re working on, the goal of which is to create “swarms of microscopic robots capable of morphing into virtually any form by clinging together.”

Seth Goldstein, who leads the research project says the goal is a distant one.

Seth, Seth, Seth, have you never read any science fiction? This little science project can only end one of three ways:

  1. you won’t be successful
  2. the tiny robots will start replicating themselves mindlessly, eating all living matter on Earth and covering it with gray goo similar to the kind found in Cloris Leachman’s strainer baskets
  3. the tiny robots will become self-aware, impersonate the human form, and proceed to run amok, destroying human civilization in an orgy of dispassionate, logical carnage (probably by turning their arms into broadswords and engaging in a grand human decranialization project).

According to the New Scientist:

Ultimately, Goldstein believes his claytronic robots may one day achieve this [higher intelligence], and much more: “I’ll be done when we produce something that can pass a Turing test face-to-face,” he says. “You won’t know if you’re shaking hands with me or a claytronics copy of me.”

Personally, I’m pulling for #1. No offense Seth.

Mark’s short story, Hounding Manny, (originally published in Oceans of the Mind, Fall 2002) is a touching childhood romp about the moon, bullying and gray goo. More romping (both gooey and childish) may be found at here.

Regrets

By on January 28, 2008 in But is it art?, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Regrets about her make-over

In retrospect, Judy wished that she’d said “no” when her mentally challenged beautician asked her if it was okay to “try something a little different this time.”

On the positive side, she was slated to appear on America’s Most Extreme and Humiliating Makeover the next week, so she wouldn’t have to live with the new look for long.

Good thing. Getting her the makeup right was a bitch and she was running out of willow twigs.

She also regretted her daily web reading. Photo credit: Joseph Roberson.

Why we write — screenwriters’ blog

By on January 26, 2008 in But is it art?, General Skwib

PenIf you haven’t had a chance to check out the blog, and you’re interested in writers, you really should. It’s a series of essays by TV and movie writers (striking to get a better deal from the producers) about why they became writers.

I liked this essay by Eileen Heisler, Writer/Producer of “Murphy Brown”. I particularly liked the story about people laughing out loud during a read-through, because I’ve had that experience too, and there are few feelings as good as a laugh earned.

(And if I recall correctly, Andy Poole fell out of his chair.)

You’ll find the why we write blog here, and a bunch of other writers that make me fall out of my chair here.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Caligula Edition)

By on January 25, 2008 in Hinky History, The Lost PowerPoints

Head of Caligula (in marble)Germanicus presents “On Campaign with My Three-Year-Old Son” (circa 15 AD) –> slide 4

  • Put him in miniature set of armor
  • Army mascot
  • They call him “Little soldier’s boots” (Caligula)
  • Isn’t he adorable?

Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (Caligula) presents “A normal childhood” (circa 35 AD) –> Slide 3

After father Germanicus died:

  • lived with mother until the Emperor Tiberius (adoptive grandfather) banished her
  • lived with adoptive great-grandmother (Livia) until she died
  • brother Nero died in exile
  • brother Drussus died in prison (either from eating bedding or starvation)
  • went to live with Tiberius on Capri
  • good times!

Pullox the fishmonger presents “A good start” (circa 37 AD) –> Only slide

  • Lots of gladiatorial games
  • Animals sacrificed
  • He’s the son Germanicus (great general that)
  • And let’s face it, after Tiberius anyone looks good!

Lollia Paulina presents “Something’s not right with that man” (circa 38 AD) –> Slide 12

  • My husband the Emperor has been acting odd since he got sick
  • I can live with the whoring
  • Excessive killings
  • But I really wish he’d stop insisting I call him “Hercules”.

Julia Agrippina (the younger) presents “My brother is a mad, mad pig” (circa 40 AD) –> Slide 2

  • Has sex with me, Drusilla and Livilla
  • Then declared us Vestal Virgins
  • Also, he thinks he’s a god
  • Dresses up like Hercules, Apollo and Venus.

Caligula presents “I’m not crazy” (circa 40 AD) –> Last slide

  • I only kill people when they upset me
  • Like, when they call me “little boots”
  • I really hate that
  • Besides, I’m a bunch of Gods, so I can do what I want
  • Now, I’m going to make my horse a Senator.

Cassius Chaerea of the Praetorian Guard presents “He’s gotta go” (41 AD) –> Slide two

  • He calls me “noodle dick”
  • (It’s a war wound and I can’t help it)
  • Luckily, there are lots of other groups that want him dead too.

Anniversary of Caligula’s death: January 24. Here is a group that has not slept with their sisters. Photo credit: mharrsch.