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Sunday O-Rama!

By on January 13, 2008 in General Skwib

Insanities lie here.

Cult of Qelqoth Anti-AwardWe are unreservedly, ecstatically, rapturously indifferent about receiving an Anti-Award from the gleefully demented Cult of Qelqoth.

Speaking of the gleeful dementia, you should definitely check out some of the other Anti-Award recipients on Qelqoth’s list, and I would humbly add that you should also investigate Ration Reality, who have tackled the sensitive and painful topics of Messianic circumcision and Emo politics of late. Also there are all the people at humor-blogs to keep in mind. (Not necessarily visit, but keep them in mind.)

And now, the fish-slapping dance:

YouTube Preview Image

Thanks again to One Man’s Blog for cataloging these.

Ask General Kang: Have you ever cried to win an election?

By on January 9, 2008 in Ask General Kang, Parody & Satire

Ask General KangThere are a few things you need to know before I can answer this question properly:

1) Über-chimps are physically incapable of crying standard tears

2) I’ve only ever won one election and after that there were no more elections.

Now, even though I can’t cry standard tears, I don’t think I would cry them, even to win an election. First of all, I was well-liked before the election. I showed my soft and cuddly side early on, without giving people the idea that I would be a pushover once in office.

Now, if the polls turned against me and I started getting all weepy with standard tears, who was going to take me seriously afterwards? Especially if I was hoping to become an iron-fisted intergalactic overlord.

Why do you keep saying “standard tears”? What kind of tears do über-chimps excrete?

It depends on their phase of life and job description. As an advice columnist and ex-intergalactic overlord, my tears are a mix of vitriol, LSD and despair. On the plus side, they smell like bananas.

Next time: When you’re, um, getting intimate with a love-bot and the low battery signal starts beeping, what’s the proper etiquette for plugging in the recharging prong?

Also posted at humor-blogs.com

Professor Quippy: Life-Extending New Year’s Resolutions

By on January 8, 2008 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyThe good news: Research at Cambridge University shows that those New Year’s resolutions to drink less, eat better, exercise more and stop smoking could add up to 14 years to your life.

According to the New Scientist:

The study found that for any given age, sex, social class, and level of obesity – all things that affect death rates – a person who did none of those things had the same chance of dying as a person 14 years older who did all those things. In other words, people doing all four healthy things effectively added 14 years to their lives.

The bad news: you actually have to drink less, eat better, exercise more and stop smoking, not just resolve to do so.

Worser news: The percentage of New Year’s resolutions that are kept: 3.

Abysmal news: humor-blogs.com

New Scientist story here: New Year’s Resolutions Could Add Years to Your Life

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Temporal Lobe Epilepsy Edition)

By on January 7, 2008 in But is it art?, The Lost PowerPoints

Joan of Arc, well after hearing the voicesJoan of Arc presents “Voices in a Field” (circa 1424) –> Slide 3

  • in field
  • heard voice of St. Michael, St. Catherine, St. Margaret
  • they told me to drive out the English
  • bring Dauphin to Reims for coronation
  • and to wear asbestos armor, whatever that is.

Joseph Smith presents “Correct church” (circa 1819) –> Slide 5

  • in grove of trees
  • God and Jesus appeared to me
  • told me no established church was correct
  • I should join none of them
  • and also, go treasure hunting.

L. Ron Hubbard presents “Xenu and You” (circa 1967) –> slide 12

  • in my private ship, and “researched” this story:
  • Xenu was galactic dictator 75 million years ago
  • brought billions to Earth in DC-8-like space ships
  • killed them with hydrogen bombs and messed with their souls.
  • Did I mention I was living on a diet of alcohol and pills?

Inspired by Joan of Arc’s birthday (January 6, 1412) and the funky pic by pwbaker. More hilarious hallucinations available at humor-blogs.com.