Most of them ARRRRRR!
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To err is human.
To ARRR is pirate.
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How do you know if you are a Pirate?
You don’t, you just AAARRRRR!
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And so on…. If that ain’t bad enough, ye can find more here, mateys!
Ask General Kang: Are there pirates where you come from?
You’re lookin’ at one, matey.
Ye don’t become an evil intergalactic overlord by inheritin’ the job, ye know. (Actually, Blugnarsh the Bloody did actually take over from his father, Bloodwash the Blue, but he had to fight his way back from exile in the All-Coconut Center, Not-Assorted Nebula and lobotomize his dad with a blowtorch and a paring knife.) Anyway, I rose to power through the tried-and-true methodology.
I started out as a cabin-monkey with a savage cadre of space pirates known as the Chimpaneers. We practically ran the whole Tasti Fruit Sector. And under the guidance of our fearless leader, Snowball the Fungy, we did pretty well. But eventually, I got better at working my laser cutlass, and it was time for me to take over.
Of course, the first thing I did when I took over my home planet, Neecknaw, and got my hands on a proper space force — The Orangu-Bangers were the first to come over to my way of seeing things — was to purge the galaxy at hand with pirates.
Now, if the pirates in my intergalactic empire had been as colorful and flamboyant as your historical pirates were purported to be, then I might have been tempted to let a few survive.
But apart from being unwashed and overly fragrant, the Chimpaneers just caused a lot of trouble. And you have know idea how long it takes to clean up a space cutter after it has been peppered by a broadside of simian fecal matter.
Next time: If you could travel through time, would you prevent yourself from doing whatever it is you did to lose your empire? And if you’re going back in time, could you stop off at last Thursday and remind me NOT to call my boss a crapulent, festering sack of monkey droppings?
Pirate Flowchart
Perhaps you are having trouble deciding whether a life at sea, working as a gentleman (or woman) of fortune is the one for you. We have created this simple flowchart to help you decide. You can click on it for a larger view.
Or, you can download it at Flickr here.
Avast! What Kind of Pirate Be Ye?
Ahoy mateys! There be many kinds of piratical tools ye can use to keep you out of the scuppers here on The Skwib. (She’s a good ship — a frigate with a raked bow and full keel — weatherly, stiff and filled with scurvy bilge rats.)
First of all, ye be needin’ a pirate name. Ye’ll find a name generator here, and a longer form here (tip o’ the tricorn to Collecting Tokens).
Or you can go to the Talk Like a Pirate site and find out what they think of you. Here’s the news about yer captain of The Skwib:
I am The Cap’n!
Some men and women are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any scalawag who stands between them and unlimited power. You never met a man – or woman – you couldn’t eviscerate. You are the definitive Man of Action, the CEO of the Seven Seas, Lee Iacocca in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. You’re mission-oriented, and if anyone gets in the way, that’s his problem, now isn’t? Your buckle was swashed long ago and you have never been so sure of anything as your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off his head if he shows any sign of taking you on or backing down. If one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones’ locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed – a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.
What’s Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!
Finally, you can tell yer Cap’n what kind of pirate ye think I be:
What kind of pirate am I? You decide!
You can also view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your own page!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey
The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Buccaneer Edition)
Roche Braziliano presents “Not a Buccaneer” –> slide 1 (circa 1655)
- “boucanier” is a French smoker of meat
- har, they smoke meat good there
- also, they smell like dead pigs
- now drink with me or I’ll roast you alive
- okay, maybe I’m a kind of buccaneer.
Jean-David Nau (François l’Ollonais) presents “Torture etiquette” –> slide 6 (circa 1667)
woolding
- fast and effective
- bind cord around victim’s head
- (always explain how much it will hurt first)
- tighten with wooden crank
- keep cranking until they tell you what you want to know
- or their eyes pop out
- either way, keep cranking!
Sir Henry Morgan presents “Exceeding Your Commission” –>slide 12 (circa 1674)
- no sea voyage is complete without a sacking of Panama
- not in my Letter of Marque and Reprisal, per se
- nor was using Jesuit priests as human shields (works well)
Sir Henry Morgan presents “Exceeding Your Commission” –>slide 13 (circa 1674)
- but I really didn’t know England was at peace with Spain
- thus, the knighthood
- arrrrrr!
Piracy 101 – Redux
A tall, strong and heavily muscled man enters the lecture hall; his nut-brown face is marred by a saber cut across one cheek. It has left a dirty, livid white scar that practically glows out of his dark face. He’s unkempt, his tarry pigtail falling over the shoulders of his soiled blue coat and his hands ragged and scarred, with black, broken nails.
He staggers noticeably as he walks up to the lectern, lets out a loud, sustained belch and then sings a snatch of song, drunkenly.
Billy Bones:
Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum …