Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

Foot Apparel for the Discerning and Fearless Lady

robot fitting shoe on hottieDespite his bulbous legs and intimidating appearance, customers liked Robby’s warmth and genuine desire to make them happy. (He was programmed that way, but still.)

The only down side? Robby’s occasional malfunctions ended up in a lot of foot amputations and limb rending.

Thus the stepladder and plastic sheeting.

Alltop enjoys a vigorous fitting. Photo via the tremendous Twisted Vintage.

The banished words list: futility in the Age of Fail

The Phrase FreakThe Phrase Freak heartily supports the efforts of Lake Superior State University to find those words that are most obnoxious, most odious, and clearly damaging to the glory that is the English language. However, this year’s list is a little weak.

Many of the words on the list are related to the Internet, and therein, we see the true motivations of this banished words list. It is link bait. (And very effective link bait, too. I noticed they had more than 9,000 shares on Facebook and I myself shared the link on Twitter.) As I say, I agree with many of the words listed, “epic” in particular, but I would like to confine myself to the term “fail”.

Fail is verb. A fine verb to describe something that is at the heart of the human condition. Without failure, there is no opportunity to learn. To live. So to turn it into a noun or adjective is not merely an linguistic excrescence, it’s symptomatic of the meanness of our age. (Unlike the nominators in the banned word list, I don’t want to turn this into a generational issue.)

Homer Simpson becomes the new Fail Whale

“Fail” is used to describe everything from mistakes, bad judgment, slip ups to non-human server failure, for example Twitter’s infamous “fail whale”. (Pictured above with Homer instead of the whale.) In fact, anything that is less than a success is seen as a “fail”. And this is all from the perspective of the person using the word too, so a “fail” from one, may be a “succeed” from another. (Yes, that would be the antonym in logic of this usage was extended.)

It’s meant to be funny and ironic, but it’s massively overused, though not on an epic scale. (Ahem.)

And instead of being funny, it tends to be mean, snide, snarky, and sometimes simply cruel. But it is now in such common parlance, that I fear this one may become a permanent fixture of our crude and roughshod culture.

You can find the banished words list here, and in yes, the usage of “fail” gets eight gob-smacks out of 10:

8 gobsmacks out of 10

Alltop is full of succeed. The hilarious Homer fail whale is by Ed Wheeler, found here.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Winter Festival Edition)

Sunrise at winterThag presents “Less darky!” (circa 11,564 BC) –> Only slide

  • Shortest day in year
  • Less darky after this
  • More light good
  • Pass mammoth rib please!

Catullus presents “Saturnalia ho!” (circa 69 BC) –> Slide 6

  • gifts
  • gambling
  • tomfoolery (masters serve the slaves, nudge, nudge)
  • public nudity
  • the best of times!

Snagur Snarfasson presents “Yule be guessing” (circa 215 AD) –> Slide 3

Julebukking is the best:

  • Disguise ourselves in masks and costumes
  • Carry dead goat’s head in honor of Thor
  • Visit neighbors
  • Scare shit out of them ’till they give us mead.

Origen presents “Nativity schmativity” (circa 245 AD) –> Slide 1

  • Christ is not like some pharaoh
  • Only sinners celebrate birthdays
  • Do you want to be a sinner?

King Richard II presents “Pig out with the Plantagentents!” (circa 1377 AD) –> slide 12

Christmas feast includes:

  • 28 oxen
  • 300 sheep
  • 2000 chickens
  • 1 Yule boar.

Thomas Nast presents “Fat Santa” (circa 1863) –> slide 3

  • Harper’s wants a Santa Claus illustration
  • Everyone else draws him like some emaciated string bean
  • I’m going to make him a fat jolly bastard.
Beautiful photo by Peter Bowers. He has nothing to do (that we know of) with Alltop. Originally published December 2007.